Monday, January 17, 2022

In & Out [post]: Batman: Hush

There are no ex-criminals, Father, only ones who aren't breaking the law at the moment.

Rating: PG-13    Year: 2019    Runtime: 81 mins (imagine?)        

What's it about? Somebody is pulling the strings on Gotham's greatest villains, wreaking havoc and chaos all over the city. In order to thwart this seemingly endless threat, Batman teams up with (and opens up to) the lovely and mysterious Catwoman, who is juggling her own cadre of famous and infamous super, um, men? Turns out she's falling in love with Bruce Wayne...and the Dark Knight...who apparently feel like totally different dudes when you make out with them.

What works: If someone told me the next live-action Batman movie was just a retelling of this story, I'd be absolutely stoked. I don't watch a lot of these direct-to-disc releases from WB/DC but Hush was consistently intriguing and fairly action-packed. Does it hurt that every major villain ever is in this flick? No. No, it does not. And hand drawn or not, Selina Kyle is as sexy as ever, and her arc is surprisingly satisfying. Ol' Batsy ain't exactly the easiest one to settle down with, but you can't blame a girl for trying.

Yays: The voice-cast is stellar, with Jennifer Morrison's Kyle (clearly) my favorite. And speaking of aural pleasure, every punch (and there are a slew of them) is so cranked up, I thought there was something amazingly wrong with my soundbar. Nope. I guess the consistent sound of bones breaking need to be heard by neighbors, too (sure they didn't mind). Look, I may be a rookie to these DC discs, but literally every DC character I could think of made an appearance and I'm here for it. Even Dick Grayson kicked some ass here, and his small scenes with Catwoman were good times. Oh, and was Poison Ivy always so...awesome? Yes, please. Made me want a salad, youknowwhatImsaying?

Boos: Maybe it looks good to some of you (the internet seems to love it?), but I found the character designs (especially when out of costume) a little too...angular? Bruce Wayne's neck has the definition of glass brick, which is troubling enough, but Selina Kyle's jaw is so sharp you could kill the Joker with it...assuming that guy can ever die (honestly, I've never really been cool with the guy's so crazy you can absolutely beat the shit out of him and he's fine? what the f--k?). Whoa, whoa...whoa...Batman has a kid? And he sucks? Why didn't anyone tell me? And this is probably something I should never commit to, uh, whatever the Hell this is, but I found myself way too interested in the curves of Ms. Kyle. Like, who's the bigger perv? Me or the artist who lovingly drew her ass? Don't answer that. Turns out one of the signs of COVID is misguided horniness (apparently I've had corona since 1993).

Batman or Iron Man? This isn't a real question, is it? Yeah, Tony Stark launched the MCU...and saved the world, but there's no way he's cooler than Bruce Wayne, even in a second-tier DC animated movie. 

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