Saturday, March 24, 2012

I want you to fight for me! That's all I ever wanted!

As a teacher, standardized testing is an interesting time of year. For a two-week period, the pressure of performance and effort actually shifts to the students. During this time we try to provide an environment where the students can thrive, and thereby perform extremely well on the mandated exams. When exams are over, generally we reward them with something special. This year, it was supposed to be a teachers vs. students basketball game, but the gym was too hot (especially for March) so we opted for old faithful: Movie Time.

The role is 900% ridiculous, but I still like Hugh Jackman. Dude's buried in charm.
Now, in Mr. Brown's class, we take movies a little bit more seriously than some of the other rooms. Some teachers will throw on whatever, but I'll usually give it a bit more thought than that. First and foremost, the me factorI want to be entertained. I know that at least a third of the students are going to be so bored (yes, they even complain when you show them a movie), so I can't put too much stock into their feelings. My next consideration, is the newness factor. To kids, two-years ago is an "old-movie." This means that Redbox is pretty clutch in these situations. Oh, and being a teacher essentially means I'm broke, so the $1.27 is just low enough to where I don't fire up Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the twenty-seventh time. And finally, the is this going to get me fired? factor. Sometimes, you'd be surprised what sneaks into a PG-13 (or even, PG) movie. Violence is generally okay - but surprise! Naughty words aren't. Every shit and ass (and there was a bitch, too) hits you like a ton of bricks. Brief language, butt.

When I was a kid, I used to love to hose off my robot
Obviously, I thought Real Steel would be a crowd-pleaser, and a winner on numerous fronts. I hadn't seen it. It's relatively new. And I was convinced that it was PG (I um, misremembered) - oops. All that said, it really did go over well. Considering the weekend was staring them in the face - they were hooked. They actually clapped at times, and I don't think it was that sarcastic, jerk-face, middle-school mockery clapping. I think it might've been...<gasp> sincere.

So, I'm going to bypass the Yays and Boos for Real SteelIt's possibly one of the cheesiest movies ever made, but in a very endearing way. If you hated it - that's fine, I still love you. And if you love it? I wouldn't hate you for it. In honor of standardized testing, I present...

12 Things I Learned From Real Steel's NEAR FUTURE
  1. Very little is more awesome than a robot fighting a bull. I'm not joking. A robot punches an animal.
  2. When people speak in the near future all subtlety is absent. We only say exactly what seems obvious.
  3. Rich, old, white guys? They will still talk (and dress) like Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island. Google that, kids. He's the grandfather of douchey white guys.
  4. Putting a mohawk on a robot will be thought of as a good idea. See also, cowboy robot.
  5. All cars will look the same as they do now. Except for Hugh Jackman's truck. It's oddly futuristic/ridiculous. Sort of.
  6. Robots will be capable of mimicking our every move. Technology has advanced so much. In fact, screwdrivers are now glowy.
  7. Eminem is the only music available. Either Em is still producing hits in his forties or everyone likes classical music.
  8. Kids screeching into a microphone is actually really, really hilarious.
  9. Dr. Pepper is the only drink available. And we have to talk about drinking them. Oh, and product placement is apparently alive and well. 
  10. If you are a patron of the Parkway Motel, it will not bother you that a 3,000lb robot is training outside of your room for hours on end. We're out of towels? Bullshit. But a robot being trained ten feet from my bed? No problem.
  11. Stereotypes haven't evolved. Douchey Texan? Check. Sexy Russian Ice Bitch? 10-4. Japanese Developer Guy (who wears a knit cap indoors)? Yep. Even in the near future, that guy is still convinced that his machine can't fail. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Indeed.
  12. And finally, the rope-a-dope fighting technique isn't reserved solely for humans. Somebody owes Muhammad Ali a dollar. And an apology.
Oh, and thanks to our science teacher. She ran crowd control while I took notes. James, too. He ran lights.


  1. While I found some of the movie to be realistic - mainly lack of women throwing themselves all over Jackman and Lily actually not passing out in the scenes they shared together - the film was really charming. Jackman is so good playing those mess of a mentor roles perhaps he mentors Efron to halfway decent acting in TGS. And yes this one was appropriate for kids, sadly for me :D

    1. lol *not realistic.

      I can't even type right after Eddie week.