Saturday, August 30, 2014

I'm a bit lost, really.

If there's one thing you should never do when you're tired, we all know it's operate heavy machinery, right? Right. It almost goes without saying. I mean, you could really hurt yourself driving a forklift on two hours sleep. F--king lose an eye, or a toe or something.

Recently, I found something else you should never, ever do half-asleep. Luckily, the only thing I lost was my bones. All of them. Oh, and my f--king mind.

Honestly, I didn't have a f--king clue what Under the Skin was about before (or after, sadly) I 'watched' it. Deafened by the buzz, I had stayed away from anything resembling a review and went in totally blind. And exhausted, apparently, as I found myself routinely making those gasping noises one makes when their head -mouth wide open- snaps back into place after a seconds-long coma. Obviously it's no way to watch any movie, but I'm telling you, it makes this one literally impossible. I probably had a better chance of being invited to Brad and Angelina's wedding then ever making it through this um, experiment film.

Days after, I had checked out a review that Sati at cinematic corner. linked to (it was Angela's review at Cinema 13), and at last got some clarification. Had I not read that, this post simply would have been random letters and numbers as I would have likely typed it exclusively with my tear-strewn face.

Anyway, according to Angela, this movie is about an alien. A fairly hot alien, that is (even if a little dirty, and dressed like a Romanian hooker), who drives around in a van, luring men into some sort of death trap. If you can call an infinite ocean of black goo a death trap. Anyway, this chick is pretty content at devouring the random douche from the club, until one day she sees something that sort of derails the mission. Apparently, she develops a bit of humanity and everything is knocked on its sexy ass. Again, this is my poorly written version of a much more elegant post.

Look, I was alert and excited when this f--ker started, but due to some um, stylistic choices in the presentation, not too mention being a f---king moron and unable to think for myself, I felt like I'd been run over by a van as the film progressed. Like the guys in this film simply trying to get laid, I ended up having the life sucked out of me. There were some scenes that I watched probably a half dozen times, simply trying to ascertain a reason for their existence in this film. And no, they weren't the nude scenes, either. Dick.

It's pretty much just like that scene in From Here to Eternity.
Bottom line, I'm in no position to recommend (or not recommend) this flick, but all I can tell you is, for the most part, I didn't care for it. Maybe had I read the book, or maybe had I injected Five Hour Energy directly into my heart prior to starting the film, it's possible I would feel differently. Hell, maybe I simply need to see it again. But the way things are around these days, I can fall asleep pretty much standing up. I don't even need a thirty-second shot of ScarJo driving a f--king van. Again.

After a ten-day absence, here are the Yays and Boos. There was a minute where I thought I might hang them (and this whole blog) up altogether due to my new job stripping me of ability to function beyond 7pm. Turns out, it takes more than 60 eighth graders to kill them. Though the four-day weekend doesn't hurt....

I bet no one called in sick the day they shot this scene.
  • Dude. That was an intense score.
  • The atmosphere, while at times, completely baffling, is so thick and heavy, I think it could actually cave in your head.
  • Stepping out. This easily could have been a role for someone like, say, Charlotte Gainsbourg, but it was certainly interesting to see Johansson deliver in a way that she never has. 
  • And I don't mean the naked bits, but we might as well cheer for those while we're here.
  • And finally, because I'm more or less at a total loss when it comes to this one, let me throw a Yay at the film for being unlike anything I've ever seen. 
  • Redbox summary writers. These dudes had me at the first three words. A voluptuous woman...
  • I like long takes. I do. It always ratchets up the tension. But here? Sweet Jesus. Turns out they can also ratchet down the tension. You know, if that's a thing...
  • What the f--k was that at the beach? I actually rewound that scene twice because I thought I must have blacked out. I didn't. (but I wish I had - poor kid)
  • Speaking of, my wife was pretty angry with that bit. No. I mean it. Furious might be putting it lightly.
  • Man, that one guy? He freaked me out.  A lot.
  • That ending. I kept hoping the end would answer maybe a few of my eight thousand questions. It did not.
  • And finally, I hate to spoil the whole movie for you, but here it is in five words: Drive van. Weird Shit. Repeat.

Well, I'm pretty tired now, so I should probably head to bed. All I have to do is brush my teeth, take a leak, and maybe I can get some much-needed rest. Shit. I almost forgot. I shouldn't operate heavy machinery when I'm tired.

Guess I'll just brush my teeth then.


  1. I think reading the book actually made me hate the film more. They only adapted 1/3 of it and left out the most interesting parts. I was so disappointed with this.

    1. Even though this movie may have given me narcolepsy, I think disappointed is an apt description for me, too. I don't know what I wanted....but honestly, it wasn't this.

  2. Based on your review and Brittani's comment, I think I'll skip this movie and read the book.

    1. I think 'review' is a bit of a stretch, but I'm with you either way. I think the book was the way to go. I mean, at least I understand words.

  3. No, don't even think of shutting down the site! What will I read? Shame you didn't like it more, but it was crazy abstract, I wish they just sticked to the book story. The film really is somewhat impossible for those who didn't read the book to understand and for us who read it it's a disappointing adaptation because the most thought provoking bits are missing.

    1. Ha, well, I might do it informally, you know, by not having time to watch/type anything. We'll see. These last few posts have been from movies I saw three weeks ago...

      As for this one, c'mon now, Sati! What the f--k was going on? I'm all for abstract (well, I'm not really), but this flick asked a little too much of me, honestly. I'm willing to figure things out....just not all of them. Maybe I'll check out the book, though...I wouldn't mind knowing a bit more about what the Hell was going on.

      ...I always have time to read. At school, anyway.

    2. I have time to watch 1-2 movies a week and I write and comment at work :) Yeah, it's fun :/

      The book is superb and there is actually a very clear story there :) It's really a shame they decided to literally strip this movie out of one, but it's certainly was a unique movie. That beach scene was horrific, though. Worst shit I've seen in my life.

    3. Hey, your job sounds cool...mine? Goodness. And apparently they watch what we do online like hawks...probably rightfully so.

      The book will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

      And I think my wife almost called the police after that beach scene. She was irate! Just terrible!