Sunday, August 31, 2014

I'm a hard guy to impress.

He loves the show. Absolutely loves it.
Loves the toys, too. Just got a bunch for his fifth birthday, in fact.

So I couldn't believe it when he said, rather emphatically, he didn't want to see the movie. There are few things I can recall him ever being so passionate about. It even got to the point where he said, You can go, Dad. I'll wait in the car, okay? Eventually he copped to being scared of them, but you know what? Maybe he just knew that the movie wasn't for him. Or me.

Or anyone?

Thanks for the offer, but my hands aren't going anywhere near your staff.
That might be a bit harsh, but seeing the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, without my son, was a bit of a letdown. Even with fairly low expectations. That actually should be considered shocking, though, as just about every single thing in the movie works for the most part. Except for one thing: the turtles.

Yeah, it's not so much Megan Fox being miscast as April O'Neil, the fact that Foot Clan aren't even ninjas (more like volunteer terrorists), or even that Splinter is impossibly horrifying to look at. No, the main problem with this film lies squarely on the shoulders on the man or woman who decided that the turtles should look like deformed pirates on steroids. Green deformed pirates on steroids.

Anyway, if you can manage to look beyond the creepy character design, everything else is serviceable enough. When the turtles actually show up, they kick just enough PG-13 butt to entertain boys (and probably not girls) under the age of ten. Unfortunately, I have the mentality of someone at least three years older than that, so I was left wanting more. More of what, I'm unsure. Though, a little Casey Jones would've been appreciated.

Now that I've mentioned my favorite action figure ever (dude, he came with a golf bag full of weapons!), might as well make the smooth transition to no one's favorite anything ever, the Yays and Boos.

She just found out that she is, yet again, in a movie based on a cartoon.
  • The animated beginning was kind of cool, even if it featured entirely too much fruit slicing.
  • Megan Fox on a trampoline three minutes in? Thanks for that.
  • That cat is playing chopsticks...with chopsticks!
  • Splinter, truly a product of my nightmares, at least redeems himself by punching someone five thousand times.
  • Oh, and his little scrap with Shredder was actually kind of cool (think Yoda vs. Dooku-esque brilliance/ridiculousness and you're on the right track).
  • Speaking of, if there was thing that was done right, very right, it was Shredder. He looked pretty badass (even when falling to his death).
  • Snow chase! Sure, it makes no sense. But that whole mountainside snow-battle scene was awesome.
  • The new turtle van was rad. Too bad it showed up at the end. Though, thankfully, the movie was ending.
  • And finally, that silly elevator jam. I don't know what it was, but we needed more of that. Less of everything else. Well, minus the trampoline bit, naturally.
  • Okay, what's up with April's roommate? In a movie with giant talking turtles, this is the character I don't buy. I mean, who dis bitch?
  • So, after the tenth mention of Skype in the first eight minutes, I was getting pretty annoyed at the barrage of product placement. In fact, I went home and Skyped everyone my anger.
  • Speaking of things said too much, I'm pretty sure the words crime and wave are mentioned together just over one billion times.
  • Whoopi. I think that being in this movie undid Ghost altogether. Every line she said made her prior career disappear like that photo in Back to the Future.
  • No offense, really, but that Asian chick looked frightening, She looks pretty hot otherwise (aka in any image not from this movie), too.
  • So, you remember how I said that the turtles kind of sucked? Well, so does this movie in the long stretches of their absences. A real dilly of a pickle, no?
  • One of the turtles, Mikey I think, mentions that the mere sight of April makes his shell tighter. Thanks for that, guys. The turtles are scary enough, now I have to imagine one of them with a massive green boner.
  • Ah, farts. Letting you know just how bad the movie is since....well, forever.
  • Hope you like spinning cameras!
  • Oh, damn! They done blown up the turtles' lair! Good thing Raphael wasn't inside. Or Splinter. Or April. Or their medicine. And computers. It's like your house burning down...six years after you moved out of it.
  • Their shells are bulletproof. Really? Hmm. Someone get me a gun. Now. And a turtle.
  • Megan Fox. Chick can roll down an entire mountain and hit the bottom with salon-quality hair.
  • And finally, even though not enough of them were, one of the turtles felt compelled to say that asses were kicked. I hate it when characters swear when there's no need to. It's f--king pointless.
My son turned five today, and the bulk of what he got (toy-wise, anyway) was Turtle-related. Which despite this movie being completely underwhelming, I'm completely in favor of. Though he did make it clear that he wanted the toys from the totally rad Nickelodeon cartoon, and not the freaky figures based on this flick.

And as my wife watched me happily putting his giant playset together, she leaned over and said something to the effect of, whose birthday is it? That's funny, because I don't even get presents anymore. At least, not the ones that I asked for.


  1. Happy birthday to your little man!

  2. Aww, happy (now belated) birthday to your son! I think Megan Fox has super powers. She made it through two Transformer movies without even getting dirty.

    I had to laugh at your son being afraid of the turtles. I took my son to the movies yesterday, and he took one look at the big Transformers Dinosaur standee and promptly freaked. I forget how scary things can look to children sometimes.

    1. Thanks, Brittani! He had a decent time...until he got super sick and had to go to the doctor. Ah, the memories!

      Megan Fox does have super powers. Honestly. From thousands of miles away she can shrink men's pants. It's amazing.

      Matty was terrified. I was pressing him hard to go with me, assuming it was just one of those weird 'line in the sand' things kids pull for no reason, but he REFUSED to see this. I even gave him an out if he didn't like the first ten minutes and he wouldn't budge.

      Maybe your son is a genius, huh? I mean, people spent three hours of their life to find out what your son did in five seconds! Brilliant!

  3. The only good thing about the movie for me was this review.... and yes, that elevator jam was also cool. I'm not a turtle fan, like, my childhood cartoons were Tom & Jerry and that obsession will most likely kick in when I'm 40, single and living with 50 cats.

    And since I'm a woman, I couldn't even enjoy Megan Fox.. and there was no man candy.. not even weird turtle fantasies, just disappointing.

    1. Ha, thanks for that!

      Oh, boy. I wonder if there's a Tom & Jerry movie in the works? Probably. And I think you've nailed when the obsession will kick in. The ol' 40/50 thing (age to cats ratio).

      I hear you on Fox. I'm a dude, so I have to like her, but she's not really my cup o' tea.

      Turtle fantasies! Sounds like my next blog title.

  4. Reading through the list of boos totally reminded me that this is a Michael Bay production. I'm in no rush to see this, at all. Your son probably has the right idea. Happy (belated) birthday to him!

    1. Thanks, Dell. Yeah, I'm not sure who directed it, but the guy certainly read the Michael Bay handbook cover to cover. All we needed was Leonardo to don a mask made out of the American flag and we'd have been in full-on Bay glory. Oh, and maybe if Shredder's armor was made out of Bud Light cans - that would've been clutch!

  5. I am pretty confident that I am going to avoid this film since it basically screams a Michael Bay Production and happy belated birthday to your little one.

    1. Thanks - I'll let him know.

      As for the flick, it's an easy pass. The Nickelodeon cartoon is a million times better and infinitely less terrifying. And I'm pretty sure it's Bay-free.

  6. Bah, my girls had the same reaction that your son had to those trailers. They closed their eyes and told me that the turtles were scary and they wanted me to change the channel.

    I have no desire to see this, but your review is pretty always.

    Awww, and five is such a big milestone! Happy for y'all. My oldest turned seven two weeks ago, and I'm terrified.

    1. That's awesome. My son would gut out the trailers...but yeah, super scary.

      Thanks, man. Awesome reviews are what we're all about here. One day, seriously, I'm going to write one. I can feel it.

      Dude. Seven? That's like pretty much a teenager at this point. My girl just turned one. So, I've got a couple of years, though she's already sassing me.

  7. Where in here do you mention that...

    99 cheese pizza?

    Which is obviously the most important thing. Even if the elevator jam was awesome.

    Agreeing with Mettel, though, your review was the best part of this film. All with the unfair dissing of the 99 cheese pizza.

    1. You are so ridiculous, you know that, right?

      I actually took note of said pizza, but upon revisiting those notes (weeks later), I couldn't even recall what the shit '99 cheese pizza' even meant. And since, clearly, clearly, my credibility is of the utmost importance to me, I just couldn't mention it (yay or boo) without really knowing what the Hell I was talking about. So, yeah. *stops wildly gesturing*

  8. Your review reminded me of how annoyed I was when this movie pretty much drove Guardians of the Galaxy away from the cinemas (except a few) just when I was about to see it. Awesome review! I always thought Megan Fox would stop working with Michael Bay after her Transformers stint got cut short.

    1. Whoa. I saw Guardians a few days later and had I not been able to due to the Turtles, I likely would have burned down the cinema months later, when I would have realized how severe that level of injustice is. Honestly, after seeing Guardians...they probably should have never even bothered with TMNT in the first place.

      I almost respect Fox for the fact that she simply can't get enough of this kind of stuff. You'd think she'd move on. You'd think.