Try something new, huh?

Last Sunday, about a hundred miles into our trip to Delaware (yeah, Delaware), we passed the massive Dover International Speedway. And because I'm a Dad, I essentially demanded that my kids look up from their devices and take a gander at that!

Now, since I'm not a backwards hillbilly, I've never been to a NASCAR event, but I almost pulled the car over immediately when my wife, gazing longingly out the window, wistfully said, You know, I'd go to race if you took me.

Wait, what?

You'd willingly want to go to a racetrack, surround yourself with a bunch of redneck a-holes, and watch a bunch of stupid cars drive in circles? Really?

But, didn't we just do that?

Even though it reminds me of the glorious time when my son was a wee lad, I hate just about everything concerning the Cars franchise. The latest installment, Cars 3, isn't the outright lemon that Cars 2 [review] was, but trust me, that ain't saying much.

What's that, you don't give a damn about the plot? Neither do I. But here goes anyway:

In the Piston Cup, a new wave of racers have cropped up, and these speedy youngsters are forcing all the old-heads into retirement. Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson), the once upstart rookie, now a seasoned vet, crashes in the final race and appears to be finished. But when he heads back to Radiator Springs for rehab, hanging it up is the last thing on his mind.

Honestly, at this point, I was kind of on board with what Pixar was offering up as Cars 3, at least initially, is a welcome return to the pace and themes of the original (again, not a film I want to sleep with, but I wouldn't kick it out of the bed, either). McQueen's nostalgia for his old mentor Doc Hudson (the late Paul Newman) was totally welcome, and the idea of going out on your own terms was also appreciated. But then...well...

...the girl showed up.

See, after Lightning finally realizes that he can't cut it on the track, he decides that his legacy will instead be tied to mentoring another racer: a female car named Cruz Rivera. Yep, somewhere along the way, Cruz was told she'd never be a race car, you know, because she's, uh...different.

Cruz and Lightning, training.
Or, as it's known around here, the part where I went to get more popcorn.

Whoa, whoa...whoa. Before you accuse me of being a sexist dickhead (uh, which I am), let me foolishly attempt to explain myself.

• First, I have a daughter, which doesn't really mean anything, but isn't that what a-holes say before they show you what misogynistic bastards they are? I'm pretty sure that's how this goes (Oh, and I have a mom, too). 
• Second, just about anybody you ask will tell you that Cars films exist solely to sell toys, and this female empowerment angle felt a bit sneaky, like the whole thing was designed to simply get into a different, more fashionable set of pockets. I guess girls also deserve the chance to needlessly buy dumb shit like boys do, right?
• Third, and I realize this makes me sound like a terrible person (uh, which I am), but we get it, girls are tough, too. Look, I'm not even close to saying that women/ladies/girls don't kick ass (trust me, they do), nor that they shouldn't be portrayed on film doing so, but good God, I feel like Disney is f--king relentless lately. As I guy who has been watching films for over thirty years, crying here we go again in regard to a female hero is the biggest dick move ever, but...I guess that's what I'm doing.

I realize this movie wouldn't have been any better or worse regardless of the hero's gender, sure, but I felt like, in this particular situation, the move was very calculated. And even worse? It wasn't at all interesting. 

Speaking of boring, misguided, and likely way off base, here are the Yays and Boos for Cars 3. I'm telling you now, this will be the last Cars film that will ever be reviewed at Two Dollar Cinema. Hopefully.

This scene, though entirely unnecessary...
...is a helluva good time.

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Dude, the short film LOU is nothing short of amazing. I'm usually scared of what's in the Lost and Found, but now I want to dive in and hug everything. 
• Even though it bummed me out, it was great to hear Paul Newman's incredible voice again. Same goes for Tom Magliozzi from Car Talk. I love that guy, too.
• Man, that crash was epic. Hell, looking at my kids, possibly even traumatic. 
• The whole beach-training sequence, while likely designed to sell Beach Training Playsets! was not only super cool, but also super sexy.
• As was 99% of the film, honestly, as shocking no one, Pixar's level of visual detail is peerless. I'm convinced that some of this stuff is actual scenery, not something animated.
• Man, that finishing move was fantastic. Night racing was too.
• Okay, so even if I'm down on the whole thing, any movie that reminds me of The Karate Kid can't be all bad (or should I say The Next Karate Kid?).
• And finally, even if I'm complaining like the world's biggest asshole about dang ol' girls girlin' up man-time! I actually thought the story, as a whole, was inspired. Wait, what? No, really. After sucking the exhaust pipe of the second film, I genuinely appreciated the way they brought the story full-circle. Oh, I still strongly dislike these movies, but at least it seemed like someone out there gave a shit, you know?

This is Jackson Storm.
And, like everyone that isn't old, he's terrible.

Boooooooo!

• I ate a lot of Chewy bars for this movie. A lot of Chewy bars.
• So...we're making trailers for shorts now? Hmm...
• Okay, c'mon, let's get this out of the way now: How are there little kid cars? So...cars have sex with one another? Is that what you're saying?
• Armie Hammer plays Jackson Storm. And shocking no one, yes, Jackson Storm is an a-hole.
• Chick Hicks is not played by Michael Keaton in this film. Yes, one of the best characters in a terrible franchise...was not voiced by Batman.
• Radiator Springs is apparently, back to being a vacant shit hole. Thanks, Lightning.
• Wait, they just covered Ramone's work? That's some bullshit.
• So, those ol' race cars, right? Uh, we're talking a little bit of racism and sexism, right? Damn, Pixar. Okay, that's cool. Social messages are good. Just uh...you know, don't make die-cast versions of the racist cars. That might seem insensitive.
• And finally, even though I ultimately thought the story was well-done, I'm not even remotely kidding when I tell you this movie is boring as shit. Seriously, it was the middle of the day and I had actually slept the night before and I had to fight to stay awake. Between you and me, I actually think it was more than just falling asleep. I think I was fighting off the light.

It turns out, my wife's bit of nostalgia for the racetrack, well, that was ultimately rooted in some dude she used to date a few years back. I think the race that f--ker took her to was the Daytona 500 of all things. Pretty fancy, right? Taking her to the Super Bowl of NASCAR races. Nice work, dude. We're all impressed.

But guess what? After two kids and three beach vacations?

Turns out the real hero...

...is my wife.

(Didn't see that one coming, did you?)