Friday, June 23, 2017

Up, back, forward, down.

I was obsessed with stand-up comedy.

I watched An Evening at the Improv every single night that it was on. And I swear that f--ker was on seven days a week. Hell, Budd Friedman was like a second father to me. MTV, before it was (extra) terrible, used to have a show called the Half Hour Comedy Hour, and I simply couldn't get enough of that shit (and host Mario Joyner). And whenever HBO had those free preview weekends (which as a kid, was nothing short of world-changing), I would record an expletive-filled hour long special...on something called a VHS cassette, and watch that f--ker till I memorized it.

Between you and me, and this is something I'm not sure I ever said aloud...but, funny or not,...I wanted to be a comedian. That was my dream.

And I never did a single thing about it.

Eddie Edwards, fortunately, wasn't such a pussy, and as detailed in the ultimate crowd-pleasing film Eddie the Eagle, this dude straight up made his dream come true. There are lots of ways to be inspired in this world, but Eddie's story is nothing short of astonishing, especially considering how it all began.

And of course, as these movies often go, how it all ended, too.

Taron 'Eggsy' Egerton plays Eddie, whom despite a youth spent on dodgy knees, is doggedly determined to be an Olympian. While this kid might not have the slightest bit of athletic skill, he's certainly bringing home gold in biggest balls on the planet. With the help of a reluctant coach named Bronson Peary (Hugh Jackman, donning the tightest jeans in the history of cinema), ol' Eddie sets the world on fire sixty-one meters at a time.

Ski-jumping. Or as it should be known, Why would anyone ever willingly do this?

While the plausibility of just about any minute of this movie seems f--king laughable, there's nothing remotely funny about what Eddie Edwards accomplished. This guy had an impossible dream and absolutely made it come by sheer force. Me? I never asked the question. This guy not only asked it, but then didn't give a f--k about the answer.

On a computer in Poland, there's a young woman Photoshopped right there in the middle.
(of Hugh's legs)
Sure, Eddie the Eagle may feel eerily familiar to anyone that has ever seen a Sports Movie, but don't let that deter you from checking it out. In the hands of Egerton, Eddie's goofball charm instantly disarms you, and you'll find yourself rooting for the guy in your grandmother's glasses. And if you're somehow down on that (you sick bastard), you've got the dreamy Hugh Jackman kicking ass as the failed jock turned reluctant coach who ain't interested in your damn dreams. 

Also uninterested, er, uninteresting, are the Yays and Boos. I started this film about a month ago, with the hopes of showing such a 'feel-good' drama to my students during the last few days of school. Unfortunately, Jackman's Peary character simulates feeling good a little too well, and I ended up tabling the whole thing til after school got out. And besides, if you really want to be inspired by a film, watch it the first few days of your sixty-seven day weekend.

Breaking and entering has never been so educational.

  • Young Eddie is all kinds of badass. I think holding your breath should be an Olympic sport.
  • I'd like to personally endorse the rather liberal use of the term Oi! in this film. Oh, and the constant thumbs up, too. Very solid.
  • Yo, Petra is all kinds of friendly, right? Would you like me to visit you? Yes, Fine Old Woman. I would.
  • The overhead shots of the jumps are nothing short of exhilarating. I'm not scared of heights or anything, but even watching this film on my TV, I almost shit my pants.
  • Jackman, as usual, rules. Get off my slope! isn't quite Get off my lawn! but it's pretty damn close. 
  • Oh, and he's super-clutch with the advice, too. I'm not sure which tidbit was more effective, Give up or Don't die. I'll try both on next year's students and get back to you...
  • But if we're gonna talk about Old Man Logan truly kicking ass, can we talk about the ski-jumping scene? Holy shit. It's like the f--king Marlboro Man soaring over planet Earth on ten foot skis. F--k the jump, I think my pants were at 70 meters. Even if he had the reading glasses on (and his tight-ass pants off) there was no way that scene was going to be any f--king cooler than it turned out to be.
  • I want to know, but I don't want to know: Did he really land his first crack at the 70? Really?
  • Man, I wish my mom was as cool as Eddie's mum. Okay, fine. I just wish my mom was British. And supportive.
  • Hall and Oates as montage music? Yes, please.
  • I thought the Olympics were for amateurs. Oooh, solid burn, Eddie.
  • Eddie and Bronson's scene at the restaurant was possibly my favorite.
  • Was that a mention of the Jamaican bobsled team? Shared Universe, anyone?
  • That announcement press conference was f--king epic. 
  • As was Christopher Walken's appearance. Why isn't he in everything?
  • No bullshit, that was the best slow-motion screaming scene in the history of cinema. Hands down.
  • And finally, that f--king finale completed my life. Upon seeing the final five-minutes of this film, I not only wanted to immediately jump off my roof with hastily-created skis strapped to my feet (I'm thinking every empty paper towel we have taped together would suffice), but I wanted to stand and f--king cheer like an asshole. Really. Oh, and I also wanted a hug from Christopher Walken. But that was even before I'd seen Eddie the Eagle.
If the Unabomber had a less-confident younger brother....
  • The tin full of broken glasses really bothered me. I mean, I'm stoked that he's putting his shit away, sure, but I'm not sure I want my boy taking all these head shots, you know?
  • But then again, I actually love my son. Eddie's dad? Uh, not so much.
  • I actually loved the relentlessly uplifting score, even if sounded like the soundtrack to a montage of Mike Seaver studying for a really big algebra test.
  • Frankly, Eddie, you will never be Olympic material. May the Olympic torch burn the hair off my ass if ever say something so discouraging to a kid.
  • Honestly, how does Eddie get access to the training jumps? Can you just show up? At least tell me he had to hop a fence or something, damn...
  • Um, I think we've exceeded the naked sweaty guys quota, yes? Especially considering they're aren't any women in this film. At all.
  • Not only does the number-two ranked jumper in the world eat shit so f--king hard, but Eddie just kind of strolls up to him mid life-threatening emergency. AND STILL HE ISN'T DETERRED. I almost shut the movie off just watching it.
  • No, really. Some of the shots of the jumps? Straight-up horror movie-level of uneasiness.
  • Wait, that guy knocks out Peary? The f--k is going on around here?
  • What's with Peary's glasses? Are you maintaining the grounds, or creating a monster in a lab?
  • It says here Mr. Brown, you were fired from your precious teaching job for showing something vastly inappropriate to sixth graders. Care to explain? Bo...Derek.
  • And on that note, I think I've been doing it wrong forever. You're supposed to scream out the name of the person you're f--king? I always just go Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, dismount, and then check my phone. Just kidding. I don't dismount.
  • Did anyone else ever get the vibe that this was essentially the British version of The Karate Kid?
  • I'm not sure who's the bigger douche, Zach or Erik. Gotcha. It's totally f--king Zach. After watching that f--ker, I gotta change the batteries on my Giant A-hole Detector. Okay, I'll admit it. That sounds like a terrible device.
  • That's all the Jim Broadbent you're going to give me? Unacceptable.
  • And finally, all the people who didn't support Eddie. Are you guys for real? What would it ever hurt to support someone's dream, even if you thought it was foolish? 
Two summer's ago, I thought about doing what movies have so often told me to do, and I thought about going to an open-mic night (without telling anyone), and giving stand-up a shot. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, no one laughs at my jokes? That would be hysterical. But instead, I did a different thing movies have so often told me to do.

Go see other movies.

Well, what the f--k, man...I couldn't help it. It's summer for f--k's sake. THAT'S WHEN ALL THE BEST MOVIES COME OUT!


That was, like, my best joke.



    Jackman and his faking orgasm scene - and many instances during promo tour when he made a joke it lasts much shorter in real life - were amazing but those goddamn jeans almost killed me. And I just hope bookangarooconda is OK after being....trapped there. Release it I say.

    I am so psyched that you liked the movie. Honestly I think no one can dislike this one. It's so uplifting, charming and funny. Taron was so good and Jackman was hilarious and also it was a very moving performance but just with so much comedy gold like when he spat that drink out during Eddie's annoucement and yes, "Dont die" advice. Also how the fuck was the snow on that slope not melting around him? And yes the jumping scene...oh sweet God.

    And since this showed us dreams come true can God please photoshop me between his legs in real life?


      I don't even know how to address paragraph number two. Uh, basically, if I'm reading this right, HJ spoke of that Bo Derek scene a lot, and between that and the baby kangaroo he keeps in his pouch, you almost died. Your solution to this pain, is that he de-pouches said kangaroo...and you go from almost dying to sure f--king death.

      Hahahaha...the jumping scene. So f--king awesome. The whole thing was so equally hysterical and badass...I didn't know what to do with my face.

      C'mon, God. She's asking you nicely. Step up, dude.

    2. I told you will 1. ruin the girls because no man can ever compete with this man 2. I shared the screenshots of his orgasm scene about a dozen times on my filthy as hell twitter. But what happened there exactly? Did he start moaning and you just ejected the disc in panic? I love imagining that :D

      "de-pouching the kangaroo" is the most adorable and filthy thing I've ever read in my entire life. God, you're a genius.

      God probably has me on shitlist, I should probably start asking the other side.

  2. Hahaha, that Poland reference.. haha. :D

    I enjoyed this one a lot.. I took my flatmate to see it and even though she didn't really want to see it, she ended up crying in the end. So.. good movie!

    1. 'Poland reference'? I have no idea what you're talking about.

      Any flick that makes your flatmate cry is a good time. I mean, I guess so, I haven't had a flatmate in years, but when I did...that f--ker cried all the I'm just gonna take your word for it.

      Sorry...I'm currently feeling (extra) stupid.

  3. I remember when Rupert Grint was attached to this for well over a year, I wanted to see it when he was in it, but then he dropped out and I lost interest. I'm glad to hear it's good, if it ever comes on TV I'll probably watch it. Great review!

    1. Holy shit, Ron Weasley could have been in this? Damn. Imagine him and Egerton together? Wow!

      All stupid nonsense aside, I would definitely recommend it. It's super cliche, but it's such a feel-good're bound to, you know,...nope. I just can't type it.