Monday, April 9, 2018

Some of us live better in a broken world.

Peanut butter and jelly.
Eggs and bacon.
Captain America's ass and fill lighting.

While the aforementioned are all spectacular examples, there are few better combinations than robots and monsters. Like the above, either member of the set is beyond spectacular, but when you delicately place giant, metal machines together with tentacled beasts from space, and make them fight to the death, it's pretty much instant boner time.

However, it's inevitable that eventually you are going to finish your sandwich.
The clock will strike noon, and unless you're a drunken college kid, off-the-clock hooker, or lax vampire (or the unholy combination of all three), eating breakfast will be frowned upon.
And Cap, well, the way I see it, great ass or not, he might want to stay away from (any and all light), if early speculation holds.

But robots fighting monsters? That never, ever gets old.

Which is really unfortunate, when you think about it.

As much as it (unsurprisingly) guts me to say it, Pacific Rim: Uprising is exactly what you'd expect it to be: only interesting when loud things go boom. Because giant mechs using laser swords on oversized space-lizards will always be cool as shit, I can't imagine too many years will pass before we get another entry into a series that may have already run its course. When they fight, we win, but when they talk, we snooze.

Supplanting a fairly rad cast of adults from the original Pacific Rim [review], the sequel is yet another film featuring the next generation... of people we ultimately won't give a f--k about.

There's Dead Guy's Kid, the requisite Young Girl That Can Do Everything, Clint Eastwood's Son (ugh, that ol' archetype), Pointless Hot Lady, Russian Ice Teen, and of course, Handsome Asian Dude. Despite earnest and noble performances from most of actors who play them, each character seems to exist solely to out-generic one another. All we needed was a guy with an eye-patch and a cigar telling them they were the sorriest group of cadets he'd ever laid eye upon, and we'd have been in cliche heaven.

See, Pacific Rim: Uprising ticks all the boxes that Independence Day: Resurgence [review] did a year-and-a-half ago (including totally reversible, post-colon nonsense in title). It just didn't grant us the industry-standard courtesy of waiting two decades to do so. Mostly unknown cast with a few returning favorites? Check. Boring interplay between pretty much everyone on screen? You betcha. 

That moment when you realize you're piloting a giant Jaeger...without Poe Dameron.
But what Uprising does well (and Resurgence sucked at), extremely well, in fact, is the onscreen chaos that so gloriously follows giant mechs in all that they do. Initially, we're not even graced with the illustrious presence of snarling underground volcano monsters, and have to settle for mech-on mech-action. But it's still pretty f--king fantastic. And by the time the beasts emerge, and UNITE!, it was all I could do to refrain myself from smashing my large soda into my tub of popcorn and making 'splosion noises like a hyperactive second-grader. Good thing I only write like a child...

Speaking of ramming things together and making a sticky mess, here are the Yays and Boos. This feels like where I should mention that I brought my almost nine year-old son with me, but I'm not sure it would be appropriate. Hmm. Too late.

Go! Go! Pointless Sequel!
  • I don't know about you, but the score sounded eerily reminiscent of the what Daft Punk did on the Tron: Legacy soundtrack. But, plagiarized or not, I'll allow it.
  • Charlie Day reprises his role as whacked out science guy and we're all better for it. Actually, he gets to little more here, and it's kinda lame, but I'll take sucky Charlie Day over no Charlie Day any day. Okay?
  • That Sydney battle was why I was there, and it didn't disappoint. Laser swords, giant spiked balls - and that was just in my pants. The stuff the mechs had? Even deadlier.
  • Typically, a flashback to that time your family was murdered by a kaiju whilst visiting the pier on a sunny day would likely lock down a Boo. But when it's so over-the-top horrible? Well...
  • Again, I'm not sure what the sexy Adria Arjona is even doing here (she has four lines and they are all meaningless), but thank Movie God she was.
  • Alright, sensei. 
  • Tokyo ends up being attacked, and other than the fact that they evacuate the entire city in less than seven seconds, the whole scene is a breathtaking orgy of chaotic destruction. Though when people emerge and find out that 70% of the damaged buildings was due to cool robot posing, they're going to be super pissed.
  • And finally, as far as finishing moves go, this one's right up there with Liu Kang turning into a dragon and swiftly biting half your torso off in Mortal Kombat II. In Uprising, they've got one chance to kill the final boss mega kaiju as it nears Mt. Fuji, and what they cook up is pretty f--king awesome. Death from above ain't even the half of it. FINISH HIM!
What military contractor signed off on giant spiked ball?
  • I basically hated everything about Scrapper. Yes, I get it. She built him. FROM SCRAPS. But the whole underdog theme is suffocating and janky.
  • When cops throw you into an interrogation room, you're pretty much obligated to punch or kick the door as they close it, right? 
  • Shocking no one, Uprising is beyond cheesy at times. Imagine watching a Sunday-school re-enactment of Starship Troopers. Then multiply it by John 3:16.
  • Good God, Annoying Russian Girl is the worst. Sure, every military outfit needs that person that arbitrarily/vigorously hates any and all outsiders, but this junior Kate McKinnon chick is off-the-charts terrible. Why are you so miserable Cadet Viktoria? At least you didn't get sent to Whore School.
  • Clint Eastwood's son is kind of a dick, no? We get it, man. You're King F--k on Bullshit Mountain. He actually says the term desk jockeys at one point. When he should have been yelling ROBOT JOX!!!!!! instead.
  • The water in Sydney gets real deep, real fast, doesn't it?
  • No one at the academy is over 25 years old. Ah, now it makes sense that the world if falling apart. [m.brown shakes his fist as kids from his lawn]
  • And speaking of those pesky kids, in the most modern of modern times, these goofballs are one talking dog away from rebooting Mystery, Inc.
  • And finally, even though I was begging for the movie to finally end, when it did, it's pretty f--king abrupt. Sure, I wasn't exactly looking for a Star Wars-esque, post-battle, Gungan led victory parade or anything. But I was hoping for a little something else at least. Shit. I even watched all the credits, too.
While I don't think it's doing much at the domestic box office (anymore, anyway), I'm pretty sure Pacific Rim: Uprising is kicking all sorts of ass globally. The math ain't hard, you know? A handsome, culturally-diverse set of kids joining forces to save the world from building-sized creatures from the Earth's core?

I mean, what's not to love. That shit's basically universal. 

Way more than a PB & J, or bacon and eggs. Combined. 

Possibly even more beloved than Chris Evan's magically illuminated man-ass. 

Which is really unfortunate, when you think about it.


  1. Does Charlie Day's character not age? That confused me a little in the previews. Honestly, I didn't like the first Pacific Rim at all despite Idris Elba's gorgeous ass being in it, so I haven't bothered with this one either.

    1. I don't think so, but he does wear, obvious sign of maturity, yes?

      The first got better only in my mind, so I convinced myself I would enjoy the sequel. I did not.

      But...and I guess for me it almost goes without saying...the action was so f--king cool.

  2. We live better in a fixed world.

  3. You comparing it to ID2.... means I will never watch this. Which I already knew before reading this, but this review proved my point. This is stupid. :D

    1. Sweet zombie Jesus ID2 made me root for the f--king aliens. This flick isn't as bad....but it's not very good, either. At least Boyega gives it a good effort.

  4. "And Cap, well, the way I see it, great ass or not, he might want to stay away from (any and all light), if early speculation holds." you need to explain this paragraph to me, what speculation? Is his ass hiding something?

    I aint ever watching this one because why would I when they killed Elba but I may watch whore sql this weekend

    1. His ass is hiding his fate. I think.

      What I'm trying to say is that Cap is going to die. At least, that's what people who don't know shit are saying.

      You will miss nothing if you choose not to see this. Nothing at all...except robots fighting monsters, of course.

  5. Independence day resurgence and this Pacific rim uprising both sucked balls almighty.

    1. The almightiest of balls, indeed.

      Though, to be fair, the ID4 sequel sucked much larger, much sweatier balls than PR:U.