Friday, May 18, 2018

The rabbit is correct.

Ten years is a long time to do anything. Especially considering many people have an attention span measured in syllabl-...and I've lost you.

Even more impressive than a decade of doing anything people still care about - is doing it well. Maybe the competition, after defecating on it and setting it ablaze, has set the bar impossibly low, but the winning formula, rote as it may be, is damn near undefeated.

Hell, even if you only like half of the films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and would be all for the rest of them quietly fading away from existence, you still need all your damn fingers to count the good ones. 

Half. Half. 

Half is a lot to love. And it's even more to lose.

I liked more than half of Avengers: Infinity War, shit, I pretty much enjoyed the whole damn thing. As the (current) culmination of a decade-long endeavor, Marvel's latest cash-cow is everything you could hope for in a two-and-a-half hour who's-who of the MCU.

Now that we've established a few dozen characters, a handful of allegiances and locales, it's time to unleash the Kraken. But instead of a tentacled anus monster, we're talking Thanos - a huge purple dude with a nutsac chin. Thanos has been looming large in the background for awhile, but apparently, the time has come. According to Gamora's step-dad...

...the world must end. So that it can survive.

Wait, what?

Actually, I'm a big fan of Agent Smith's Thanos' plan, as it calls for an indiscriminate swiping left of the entire universe. Turns out, half of you bitches gotsta go, or else eventually, we're all gonna die. So...yay, Angry Grimace, right?

Not exactly, as Tony Stark and his crew ain't exactly too keen on this whole kill half the population agenda, even if the last time we saw the whole gang...they were splitting into even sides and fighting to the f--king death. Well, fine no one actually died in Civil War... unless you count Rhody's ability to play hopscotch as an actually fatality. Which I do.

Vision is easily the luckiest dude in the MCU. Well, outside of Cap back when he had Peggy.
Look, this is the biggest f--king movie on the planet, so the odds are you know this sumbitch up, down and sideways. No need for me to (poorly) explain it any further. I've actually seen it twice theatrically (I said who wants to f--king touch me?), so in all honesty, I'm beyond good with the plot details and such. I enjoyed it, even more so the second time, and would bet that there's something here for everyone. Unless of course, you judge an entire movie on the last minute or so. Which I do.

Speaking of making a big deal over nothing, here are the Yays and Boos. I was going to snap my fingers and make half of them disappear, but then I thought, what power in the universe is governed by a snap of the fingers? (If my four year-old daughter got the Infintiy Gauntlet, everybody would be safe. (Poor Vi, she's pretty bummed about her inability to snap) Translation: there's a shit-ton of spoilers to follow.

RDJ seems totally reinvigorated in Infinity War.

  • I'm not looking for, like, credit, or anything, but I was the person who shut the damn house lights off in the theater. Everybody else was just sitting there, eating popcorn like an a-hole. But when I saw The Meg trailer starting? Earth's mightiest heroes...just got a new member.
  • Loki pretty much goes out like a motherf--king champ, right? Assuming, you know, he actually went out.
  • A little Pepper goes a long way. I like your tracksuit, Ms. Potts.
  • Dude, Wong might be my favorite character in this movie. He shows up, busts out his PowerPoint on the stones, then heads back to the sanctum to eat a sandwich. While the universe is being ripped in half.
  • I think we all need a friend like Ned.
  • Yet another solid cameo from Mr. Lee. Can't wait to see him tomorrow night in Deadpool 2.
  • If there is anything that genuinely surprised me in this film, it's everything to do with Dr. Strange. His solo flick ranks near the bottom of my personal MCU list, but looking back? It's all worth it now. I still think the character is kind of a dick (I mean, compare him to Cap in any capacity), but man, he is incredibly clutch here. And that wink! So rad.
  • Please get lost, Squidward. Ah, Mr. Stark. So dreamy.
  • I'm not sure my wife was a fan, but that chunky hand flopping out of the portal? Tasty.
  • D-hole Groot, while still being my least favorite Groot, is still really f--king funny.
  • Poor Quill. He really is one sandwich away...
  • Thor's summation of his family history almost had me crying. And not because it was so sad.
  • I'm better than mentioning the fact that Scarlett Witch is too damn sexy, right? And that she's always taking impressively deep breasts breaths. I would never stoop to mentioning that they always seem to shoot her low-cut top from slightly above, yes? I would never cheer such a thing. In all caps (typed with my wiener), anyway.
  • Cap catching that scary chick's wand-thing and not having the slightest inclination that he gives a f--k about what he just did....well, that might be the greatest thing ever. 
  • Well, check that. Drax is the greatest thing ever. Of all the laughing I did, ol' Drax is responsible for most of it. (the invisibility claim and the why is Gamora line neck-and-neck for the top spot)
  • Thor is totally my MVP, despite everything else I've said above. His scenes with Rocket are surprisingly touching, while still being pretty f--king funny. And when he shows up in Wakanda? Good thing they didn't cue the Zeppelin....or I might have been a goner.
  • Dad, did you see the guy from Elf? Yes, son. His name is Peter Dinklage. He the President of Joy.
  • I thought the cast was supposed to be tight-lipped about spoiling the last film. Pretty sure Dr. Strange said CONGRATS ON THE WEDDING. (that was rad, slipping that in there)
  • Okay, what? For a second, I was thinking: This place looks like Mordor. And then who shows up? Motherf--king drastically sunburned Elrond! 
  • Of course, brother. That big Jabari dude only gets one line, but you have to cheer for that guy, because...I'm pretty sure it's a rule or something. 
  • Groot really does give an arm and a leg in this one. Well, at least an arm anyway.
  • If you ever decide to say something about Tom Holland not being the best Spider-Man, I'll help you out. You know, with picking up your teeth.
  • The only thing cooler than an epic brawl, is when a little section is reserved for the ladies to unleash some kickass girl-on-girl action. 
  • I know we hate Thanos and everything, but I'm telling you, minus the wrinkled chin...he looks just like my late grandfather. Aw.
  • Motherf. That was the perfect way for Nick Fury to go out. 
  • And finally, despite all this gushing, don't think that I think this movie was perfect by any stretch. It wasn't. But it was fun. And exciting. And silly. Which was all I was hoping it would be. Look, nothing is ever guaranteed, and there was always a chance this massive team-up would under-deliver (coughcoughJusticeLeaguecoughcough [though I liked that, too]), but I dug it, my kid liked it, Hell, even my wife liked it...and she's seen, like, four Marvel movies. 

The image is bad enough. But the sound....? *shudder*
No way to treat a pirate-angel baby....

  • Hey, Hulk's here. He's gonna whip Thanos' aaaaaahhhhh nevermind.
  • This question haunts half of the movie: Hey, Thanos. Ever think of killing any of the Avengers when you, you know, have the chance?
  • Talk about inability to perform, you're really letting the team down.
  • And speaking of Hulk, almost everything Banner says is kind of ridiculous. Ruffalo is permanently stuck in the same mode my grandmother was when I'd try to explain technology: a healthy mix of fear and awe, with a dash of disappointment and confusion.
  •  I just feel you. It's not the line, I'm jeering. It's the juvenile snicker I couldn't contain upon hearing it.
  • Man, me and my wife should have honeymooned in Scotland. It has absolutely zero people in it. I'm assuming Vision left that TV on....
  • This is pretty f--king heartless, but Young Gamora...ahh nevermind. She's, uh, well...adorable.
  • Fast forward twenty five years, and my goodness, Gamora's cry-face? Yikes. But I guess I'd be sad too, if my hair changed colors and styles from scene-to-scene.
  • "The White Wolf? THAT'S RACIST!" - the idiot behind me, likely out of his house for the first time.
  • Is it just me, or does that one bad guy kinda look like Tom Petty after his last dance with Mary Jane? (for the record, that guy was badass in that first fight in New York)
  • Wait, you can take Groot as an elective? My whole life is a lie.
  • Ooooh...remind me to never borrow an eye from Rocket. Though to match, I would need a brown one...
  • Dick Move #15: Thanos kills 299 space dwarves, leaves Dinklage alive...without his f--king hands? That shit it so. Even for a guy who's gonna kill half of everything. leaving Eitri in this spot is not cool, man.
  • Dick Move # 26: I'm sorry, little one. *rips m.brown's heart out, throws it off a cliff*
  • Does anything arrive from space en masse that isn't totally pissed of upon being unleashed? Like, these monster just hit the ground pissed off at nothing/everything.
  • Quill, that was kind of a selfish move, my man. I'm sad, too. But,'ve got bigger fish to fry.
  • Speaking of long-gone ladies, can we talk about Black Widow for a second? Yes, ScarJo...super-hot. Sure. Definitely an idea I can get behind (or under, ohhhhhhhhhh). Anyway, what is she doing here? Honestly. She has a gun and can kick...well? Just have someone find a note that says she's busy or something. At least that would be interesting.
  • Unlike the reason we were given for no Ant-Man and Hawkeye! What the shit, guys? Sure, Hawkeye isn't all that super either, but I don't care. When Lion-o threw up the Thundercats symbol, everybody came. Even those stupid kid things. I'm sure whatever program they're in, the end of the universe might trump it, yeah?
  • But back to Black Widow, for a tick. They are giving her her own flick, but not Scarlet Witch? Say it ain't so, Marvel.
  • My son admitted to me that he almost cried when Peter said...well, what he said. The good news? My son has compassion, and perhaps even a soul (unlike many kids I come across). The bad news? He's just like his dad.
  • And finally, despite just mentioning that I'm a compassionate individual/ caring father/ human being, can I just take a quick second to address the people leaving the theater enraged/engulfed in tears? Guys, I'm all for getting fired up/emotionally wrecked at the end of a fictional story, but what the f--k? Were you not watching this film? Do you not realize there's more to the story? Chill the f--k out (says the guy who just wrote ALL OF THE ABOVE).

Goodness, that was a long post. If only either one if us could snap our fingers and cut this f--ker in half. This might not have taken me ten years to write, but it probably felt like it took ten years to read.

I mean, you did read it, right? All of it, yes?

You started to skim, didn't you? That's fine. I still love you. And that's why I have to do this.

*snaps fingers*



  1. I NEVER skim. I read every word.

    Oh so you did take your son! Damn I hope he is OK after that opening and Nebula scene.

    Yes, Doctor Strange! I was SHOCKED how cool he was here because his solo movie was so meh. That wink and his interactions with Stark as well as that rad thing he was doing with his hands before conjuring those magic shields was awesome.

    No bullet point for Cap's beard? No bullet point for T'Challa's bulge? Sir, your audience is mostly the ladies. Come on.

    1. Oh, dear God. They typos you must find.

      I took my son (and my wife) the second time. They sat together, and I, like a weirdo, had to sit in the row behind them. I think he really only got freaked out about Spidey.

      Me too, holy shit. He was SO MUCH better in this flick. He was such a confident prick, I actually kind of dug the whole thing. It almost makes me wanna go back and watch the original...but.....uhh......probably not.

      Wait, so know I gotta put points in specifically for the ladies? I guess I can add the Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooongs.

      Hahaha...'mostly'. Indeed.

    2. Typos are hilarious :)

      I actually rewatched his solo and yep it was bland as hell.

      Dude, omitting the mention of T'Challas massive bulge aint even not satisfying the readers it may be a symptom of going blind. That was.... a lot

  2. I agree about Doctor Strange, I liked him so much better here than in his solo movie.

    But "Poor Quill" Nah, fuck Quill.

    I agree this movie isn't perfect, but it keeps rising on my MCU list. I've seen it twice in theaters and even though I said I was going to see Deadpool, I'll probably go see this again. lol

    1. Oh, and when this movie comes out on blu ray, one of those web geniuses needs to play Zepplin over Thor's entrance scene. I'd die.

    2. At this point, I'd actually be excited for a second Strange film...if that's in the cards.

      F--k Quill. F--k Shrek. F--k e'rybody.

      I'm with you. Seen it twice and I had a good time each time. My brother didn't like it - he said there was too much going on, and I thought? Dude, there are 50 people fighting all over the universe. What's not to love?

      C'mon, web Genuises. MAKE THIS SO.

  3. The Bleeding Edge is the coolest Iron Man armor in the MCU I've ever seen 💛❤️

    1. I didn't even notice there was a different one this time around. I guess...I'm a fan of them all? (or none?) Either way, glad you dig 'em.

    2. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is 100% here to stay

  4. If you wanna buy The Wiggles Reunion Show on iTunes, You'll have to pay $11.99.

  5. Love this review! Dude, in my screening, about 7 teenage girls behind me were SOBBING during the endless end credits. Like... audible gasps for air sobbing. It was hilarious. I actually got out my phone and recorded a voice memo of it, because I didn't think my friends would believe me.

    And I love that you had the stones to actually turn off the house lights. Movie theaters are such a good societal capture of fight or flight. The lights are on, the sound is messed up, the image isn't in focus - who's going to get up and do something about it? You... You... You...? I love watching people squirm when that stuff is happening, and then I'm usually the one who gets up and tells someone haha.