Monday, May 7, 2018

Why is sex even bad?

My prom night was the worst. Full-on golden sombrero.

1) I took my best friend's girlfriend. K looking.
2) I was named prom king, but didn't even dance with the queen, who was essentially the girl of my dreams/the girl I was no [super vague was how we rolled] Swinging on high heat.
3) I bailed on the all the post-prom parties, and instead went to the f--king movies like an asshole. I won't even make it worse and tell you what I saw. Down looking on a knee-buckling curve.
4) The fact that I'm willing to admit any of this, let alone compare it to my wife's own prom story (more on that never)? Strike three. Bases loaded. Get the f--k outta here.

Typically, teen sex romps (if that's a thing) are about a couple of horny guys trying to get laid (see: Porky's, American Pie, Revenge of the Nerds, etc.). Blockers, from director Kay Cannon, punches those traditions square in the dick, as it not only focuses on three young ladies trying to get lucky, but also the parents' quest to intervene. Sometimes sweet and routinely funny, this little R-rated comedy had me and my wife rolling.

But it also had me thinking. A lot.
And crying.

A little.

Julie, Kayla and Sam have been friends for, like, forever. As senior prom approaches (and college looms), it's clear that this night may be their final big blowout together. And what better way to never forget one all losing their virginity on the same night. Um, okay. Sign me up. Er, the 1997 version of me, that is.

Anyway, Julie (the blonde) has a super-sweet boyfriend and a Walgreen's candle, meaning getting boned should be easy-peasy, lemon-booty squeezy. Kayla (the jock) just kind of picked some rando named Connor, and he seems down for...well, for just about anything. Book this one, too. Just do it pencil, as Connor's a bit into herbs and spices, so who knows what condition he'll be in, come Hammer Time. But young Sam? Well, she kind of reluctantly entered the pact to begin with, and her date Chad? Well, he ain't exactly wetting her whistle, despite rocking such a killer fedora. Sam looks to be a long shot on the deal-sealing side of things.

I'm not sure you could ever unsee what they just saw. I know I couldn't.
While the girls are all interesting and charming enough, it's the parents that steal the f--king show. Leslie Mann plays Julie's mom, and it's clear she's not ready to let her daughter go, emotionally or otherwise. John Cena owns as Kayla's dad, the gentle giant willing to anything to protect his baby girl. But the most (relatively, anyway) interesting adult, is Sam's dad, played with scummy deliciousness by Ike Barinholtz, the absent douchebag dad tagging along to prevent the prevention. Sublimely crafted, this f--ker is the odd voice of reason throughout the night's adventure.

Less voice of reason, more whisper of insanity, here are the Yays and Boos. My wife may or may not have played hooky from work to attend this her suggestion. My vote was for something else entirely, seeing as we weren't gonna have the kids for a few hours, but this was also enjoyable. Still imagined getting blocked by Blockers? That's pretty f--ked up, right?

Sam, Julie and Kayla. All, perhaps shockingly, fairly awesome.
  • The previews were all so good, I thought I was in the wrong movie. Damn.
  • Holy shit, do I love Leslie Mann. All versions. Though bewildered, disappointed and furious are my top three.
  • Aw, that was a nice little montage of the girls growing up together. Makes me wish I had...friends.
  • I think it was Julie's version of losing her virginity that was hysterical. But I could be wrong...
  • I'd rather eat ten dicks than one Mound. Straight up, these are words to live by. I haven't tried ten dicks (uh, or one), but Mounds are the f--king worst.
  • In two minutes of screen-time, Colton Dunn almost steals the show as Rudy, the limo driver with a crushed leg.
  • Dude, Angelica was quite the catch, even if the cape was a bit much. Go get her, Sam.
  • Jesus, Austin's parents (Gina Gershon and Gary Cole, for f--k's sake) are living life the right way. I'm totally jealous for many reasons, least of all naked animal games.
  • Yeah, that was a lot of throwup. Poor Chad.
  • Those subtitles almost took my life. 
  • Cena's interpretation of Lit AF couldn't have been more wrong/more awesome.
  • And finally, it's kind of pathetic, I know, but there were a few moments here that made me think about when it'll finally be my turn to be the Dad of the teenage girl/young woman on prom night, instead of the douchey kid picking her up. Some of the father-daughter scenes, though funny, were genuinely pretty f--king emotional. My girl isn't even five yet, but holy shit am I going to have a hard time letting her grow up, you know? Assuming I make it that far...
  • Look, for real. We're changing everything about schools, right? If we're gonna dump books, attention spans and art class, can we bail on prom, too? Seems only fair to me.
  • Um, what the Hell was with that boobcake?
  • Why you gotta be a dick to Frank?
  • And speaking of Frank, let me just make amends for an ill word I may have once thrown Hannibal Buress' way. THIS DUDE IS THE F--KING MAN. I was very, very wrong before.
  • Did we really need that butt-chugging scene? It's bad enough if that's a thing as it is. But if it isn't? Well, a whole bunch of frat boys just found out what they're doing this weekend.
  • Um, no hotel in the history of time has ever had an under the bed like that one. Nope. Not allowing this.
  • #nocondoms What the f--k, ladies? Seriously?
  • And finally, as a father, I wanted to hate the shit out of all the boys. Like, f--k these needle-dick a-holes. But guess what? All of them, all of them!, were actually pretty legit dudes. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to put each one of them through a wall just because, but no lie, they were totally, like,...okay individuals. It was kind of shocking.

Okay, clearly my own prom story sucks ass, so it was good to be a part of one that I actually enjoyed. I didn't really ask my wife much about hers, as I just got the impression it was something I wouldn't enjoy listening to (remember, we live in her home nostalgia can be a real bitch sometimes). So...I ask you, dear reader: what happened on your prom night? Anything you want to share? And don't worry about it being appropriate or not.

I won't block you.


  1. Yeah unless you give me one of the boo boos no prom story from me

    Speaking of boos that is a handsome rooster on that poster

    I figured that this one is gonna be fun for you given you have a little girl. If I were cruel I would point out that me and the rest of pervy twitter horde were little girls once too and now look at us go... Oh wait I just did point that out:)

    Anyways I like the main trio so I am definitely gonna watch that one, whatever the hell butt chugging is

    1. Wait. What is the deal? Boos boos for prom story? Explain this to me. Do I have to watch The Bad Batch again?

      Quite a handsome rooster, I'll admit.

      I think this one is good dumb fun for everyone, but yeah, it definitely helps being a giant, sappy Dad myself. That said, thanks for not pointing THAT out. Otherwise placing that visual in my head would have been a total dick move. Good thing you're better than that.

      The main trio is really funny.

      So you don't know what butt chugging is? Lucky!

  2. My first prom was awkward because my date told me he brought a condom at the end of the night and I laughed, walked away, and got drunk with my older friends from work. Ahhh prom.

    I'll probably watch this on DVD, even though I'm not sure I can buy John Cena is a parent. I'm glad to hear it's actually funny.

    1. Yeeeeesh, smooth move, playa, mentioning the condom. Super romantic.

      Cena, outside of being F--KING MASSIVE, is low key over-the-top here, which is just about perfect. His daughter is so f--king cool, too. They might be the best part, honestly. I hope you dig it when/if you check it out.

  3. Prom was so lowkey for me. I did manage to drunkenly fall into a pile of dog shit my senior prom (yes, all over my dress) that was special.

    Also, I'm extremely impressed that you took the time to see this.

    1. What? That's horrible. Where the Hell are you that dogshit is even in the equation? Is this pre-festivities, or post? Details, dammit!

      I have no idea how to take your usage of the word 'impressed'. I mean...on paper? Total compliment. But my spider sense is tingling and you're calling me a moron. Either way? I'm all for it.

  4. Sex is natural for everyone

    1. I wish it were more natural for my wife. *rimshot* I tell ya, I tell ya.

  5. What did you think of Avengers: Infinity War?

  6. The Wiggles Reunion Show will be on iTunes by May 25th.

    Profits from The Wiggles will all be on donated to Soldier On Australia who look after our wounded warriors!

  7. Wanna play?