Tuesday, May 22, 2018

I can't believe we survived that.

Look, it was a bad game. Let's be honest with ourselves.

The graphics weren't even that good (for the era), and any time a neon sign is the reason you're dead, well, f--k that noise. Same goes for that f--king tank they'd trot out when you'd just about wrapped up a level. That was some ending up naked and afraid when you'd just destroyed Cleveland.

But, and there's always a but, if you were ever lucky enough to eat the guy on the toilet, or even better, punch a commuter train over to your friend, only to have him or her immediately punch it back to you - well, that shit's basically heaven, right there, you know?

Because sometimes, it really is the little things in life. Especially when those little things turn into big things...

...and f--king eat and destroy everything.

Discerning adult, lover of time, you really have no business being on this website at this hour, just like motherf--king Rampage has absolutely no business being so f--king good. Read it again, I'll wait.

Based off of the Midway arcade game from the mid-eighties, Brad Peyton's latest action flick is not only a helluva ride, it's also further proof that The Rock can make just about anything must-see cinema.

Some nefarious coroporation is running some sketchy ass operation in space, when things go decidedly tits up. The result? Not everything burns up upon reentry and toxic debris cascades all over the f--king planet. While bad shit raining down from the heavens is a general cause for concern, multiply that by eleven when it tuns out that the aforementioned sketchines is actually some gene-tinkering tomfoolery.  Seems this bad corporation has been mutating (space?) animals for, you guessed it, in order to weaponize beasts.

Meanwhile, at a zoo in California, the most handsome and casually-dressed primate handler in the history of time has noticed that his best bud, an albino gorilla named George, woke up much taller and stronger than the day prior. In fact, if I remember correctly, in addition to swelling, George f--ked up a grizzly bear like it was a gummi bear, and this, friends, is a problem. A delicious, delicious problem.

George is kind of a dick with his sign-language shenanigans.
Cue the hot lady-scientist to examine the monstrous ape. And the slimy government agent to f--king neutralize it.

I realize that that was entirely too much plot, but for the first thirty minutes or so, that's exactly what Rampage feels like: bad exposition, terrible characters and even worse jokes. But once this sumbitch finally gets going...it never f--king stops. Ever. It's just giant set piece after giant set piece, with just a few little cut-scenes that are brief and laughably to the point. It's almost like, dare I say...an old-school video-game?? *spits out drink* Wait, what? For reals?

What's weird, is it's the dog's presence in the city I'm having a hard time with.
Speaking of things I used to spend a lot more time with, here are the Yays and Boos. If my movie-watching year ended tomorrow, Rampage would undoubtedly/shockingly find itself in my top 5 best-of lists. Granted, I've only seen 5 movies since I actually published my own year-in-review, but feel free to stick that logic straight up the ass of a giant, flying wolf, okay? I can help you if you need it.

The Rock, back when he had two legs.

  • I guess they knew something I didn't, but no shit, the theater was absolutely packed.
  • I don't think the trailer does George enough justice. He's not only fantastic looking, but he's a fully-fleshed out character, too. Andy Serkis is either proud or pissed about this one, I'm sure of it.
  • That new chick at the zoo basically throws herself at The Rock, and he ain't having any of it. 
  • So, let me get this straight, the evil corporation is doing experiments on animals...in space? I fully endorse this level of nonsensical f--kery. Especially when the result may or may not be spiked rats.
  • The Wyoming level scene was friggin' fantastic. When that wolf leaps out of the woods to eat a helicopter? I'm pretty sure I felt it move.
  • You know the one government guy in these movies, the one who's a real hardass prick that everyone hates? Here, he's played with delightfully greasy aplomb by Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Oh, but one quick curveball? He's actually f--king awesome. 
  • You'd think that just about everyone would know it's a bad idea to take a rabid, mutating gorilla for a cross-continental plane ride, right? Well, almost everybody knows that. And thank the good Lord for those people who didn't. And may God rest their souls.
  • You're welcome. I see you, Maui. You sneaky f--ker.
  • The last thirty or forty minutes is straight up bananas. Monsters are just destroying everything left-and-right, and even better, it's all for no other reason than it's f--king awesome. 
  • They don't kiss. They. Don't. KISS.
  • Edge and Christian? Awesome. The Natural Disasters? F--king rad. But what just might be the best tag-team ever? The Rock and George the Albino gorilla. Seriously. Don't sleep on these two.
  • And finally, the level of violence is incredibly impressive. My wife might have gave me the dagger eyes had she been there, but since it was just the boys, lemme tell you, this shit is disgusting in the best possible way. There was one bit at the end that my son was like, holy f--king shit dad, that was seriously f--ked up. Well, not suite. But he did say, grrrrrrooooooooooosssssssssss, which when you're eight, is basically the same thing. But what's really great, is the worst thing you're gonna see is totally implied...but also right there, too, ya know? See the movie, dammit. This makes sense.
I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?
  • The first five minutes made me think I was in the wrong theater. My son? Dad, this is Rampage? Of course it is. *checks ticket stub*
  • Connor, you little bitch.
  • Speaking of, even in this silly movie, The Rock needs some better co-stars. Everyone at the zoo looks like they should be in a commercial for going to college in your pajamas.
  • Hey, George has doubled in size and killed a f--king bear. Fat Nerdy Guy? Go in there and shoot him with a tranq gun. Should be fine.
  • Wait, that fancy office has an original Rampage arcade machine in the back? Why? No, I get it. But why?
  • Ah, the overzealous member of the task force. I hate this guy. Well, when he's not being eaten.
  • What is Malin Ackerman doing here? She's so distracting. Honestly, every time I see her, I imagine her rhythmically shagging Patrick Wilson in Watchmen ... and I'm not even sure any of that actually happened. Ever. But it's what I always think of when I see her.
  • Douchey Guy is basically a requirement, and Rampage's version is damn near top-shelf. The Boo? I'm pretty sure everything about him was modeled after Don, Jr. *shudder*
  • The generic character that really lets the team down? Colonel A-hole. I'm sorry, Colonel A-hole who ain't got time to hear none of that science mumbo jumbo. Just nuke those f--king monsters, goddammit. And that's an order!
  • This flick kind of goes full comedy about half way through. I didn't even mind the awkward tonal shift really, except that it came so late in the game, you know? Embracing the goofiness sooner would have been so clutch.
  • And finally, can we please, please get a sequel to this or, at the very least, San Andreas [review]. Clearly, when Brad Peyton and The Rock get together, it's legitimately bad movie magic, and I'm worried this may be the end of a wonderful marriage. Hell, if we're really making dreams come true, let's split the difference and just combine the two into something epic. Have The Rock play twins Jean-Claude Van Damme style (one gets a scar) and save the world from an earthquake that ejects mutated f--king monsters out of the ground. The script will write itself, I'm sure of it. 
Even though this is faint praise at best, like being the biggest turd in the bowl, go ahead and mark me down as saying that Rampage is the best video-game movie of all-time. Better than...uh...Mortal Kombat??? Okay, that's the faintest of faint praise, I realize that.

Fine, how about this? The movie is waaay better than the game it was based on. 

Just think about that for a second. They took a bad game...and made it a good movie. Which is amazing.

And scary. Really, really scary. Even more so than monsters eating and destroying everything.


  1. Plot for Avengers 4's been revealed.

    1. Mario I beg of you to consider comment moderation

      And you you Marvel shills are putting me off the franchise

    2. Omg Omg Omg is Wolves review next?!

      I am really looking forward to Rampage. My mood and what is left of my brain allows me to pretty much watch only stupid and funny stuff these days

      Malin should be bringing up the memories of Rudd psyching himself up in front of a mirror too :)

    3. We'd show Marvel some respect if we were you Sati! Until the Shazam movie hits theaters in April next year, Stick to the MCU and never say things about their fans or anyone else again.

  2. No fan of Marvel EVER deserves to be called a shill. Well Done on the review by the way ;)

  3. Edge and Christian totally reek of awesomeness!

    I'll probably watch this on DVD. I would've been sold on it for sheer batshit factors if Jeffrey Lean Morgan wasn't in it doing his Negan lean. I seriously cannot stand that guy anymore.

    1. Good for you Brittani.

    2. Good for all of us.

      (ah, I used to love Edge and Christian!)