Tuesday, July 24, 2018

You are the World's Greatest Grandma.

My wife, seated three seats to my right, leaned forward, beaming. She was saying something, but with my brother Bryan next to me, and Violet next to him, I couldn't make it out. The house lights were coming on, and all the rookies were leaving.

She basically doubles over, saying, I said, 'pretty much the best Marvel movie ever', right?

I nodded. And then sat back, disappearing behind my brother, who, along with Violet, may or may not just have rejoined the grownups in consciousness.

Best Marvel movie ever? It barely makes the top three. Of this year.

It's not that I didn't like Ant-Man and the Wasp, it was fine, but I honestly don't think I was ready for how small small-scale would be. Obviously, following the universe-enveloping events of Avengers: Infinity War [review] is an unenviable task for just about any comic book film - I get that. And of course, someone had to take that bullet/vicious finger snap and be up next, so I commend Peyton Reed and his crew endlessly. But, even as it was happening, the more I thought about the second Ant-Man flick, the less I cared.

It's not that I don't get it, of course I would drop everything for Michelle Pfeiffer - who wouldn't? But heading into the Quantum Realm to rescue the original Wasp wasn't as intriguing as I hoped it would be. I don't know how to explain it, but I wanted more Ant-Man. And more Wasp. I'm not even sure this is possible, but I felt like neither of them were in the movie that much. Hank's fine, Luis is beyond awesome, the secondary dudes in the crew absolutely slay. There's not a character I don't like.

But during all the silly bickering and back-and-forth, what I found charming in the first film...felt like filler. The daughter (adorable as she was), the villain (cool as she was), both great, but haven't we got bigger fish to fry, ladies? Purple Cable is (about to be?) up in the sky tossing Uhura off a cliff and we're down here arguing over a tackle box? C'mon.

Remember, I'm a dad: I can only take so much of people fighting over the same toy before I lose my mind and start yelling things that don't make sense. And if you two don't quantum settle this soon, I'm definitely turning this quantum car around.

Marty McFly would be proud.
On that note, the real Yays (and Boos) of my life - my kids - totally enjoyed this film (Matty gave it an elusive nine point-five). The key being the s. Ant-Man and the Wasp was Violet's first theatrical Marvel flick and even if she didn't make it all the way to the end (she passed out about two-thirds through), apparently she enjoyed what she saw. Though, in full disclosure, every time we go to the theater, she's pretty much begging to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Ants, as adorable/underused as they may be, can't hold a candle to the majestic glory of a genetically-engineered super dinosaur. That's logic I can't find holes in.

Not entirely sure why her dad would design a suit so....
  • My goodness, Catwoman. Me. Yow. If things keep trending in this direction, I'm not sure my heart/pants will be able to handle seeing Pfeiffer when she hits 80. 
  • And on the other end of the age spectrum, how about we cheer whatever the program was that de-aged Michael Douglas? Impressive. Side-note: Does the young version not have the throat cancer from all the....you know...eating at the Y? Asking for a friend....
  • I think I got lazed!
  • I'm not sure if that three-day montage was supposed to show how bored Scott was, but hot damn - that looked thrilling! I mean, aimlessly bouncing a ball around a house? Sign me up.
  • While I'm still pissed that Evangeline Lilly isn't in this more, my word, do I love her regardless. Easily the most badass woman in the MCU (that isn't green and/or dead...or blessed with witch powers). Her fight against Ghost was sooooo good. 
  • Walton Goggins should be in everything. I'm not joking. Everything. If you need a charming sleazebag....there should be no auditions held. They just cast Walter Groggins (as he's known in my head) immediately.
  • I probably shouldn't cheer Baba Yaga, as she'll likely eat my face and/or crotch when I go to sleep tonight, but Kurt's constant talk about her cracked me up.
  • Let me get this straight. Not only is there a college where Professor Morpheus can teach you cool shit, but uh...he'll also let you get out early from time-to-time? I'm old, now. Save me a seat in the front row. And I'l have lots of questions.
  • Any time the truth serum comes up is a great time. Honestly.
  • Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and play a girl bunny? No. But that time when Paul Rudd was acting like Michelle Pfeiffer....
  • I heard somewhere that Netflix is going to spend something like 18 billion next year for content. F--k me, that's a lot of scratch. But, for all the movies and shows that Netflix doesn't have, can we just get a five-minute re-telling of the plot from Luis? I'l start the GoFundMe now, if it helps.
  • Top five Stan Lee cameo. Easily.
  • Man, a case full of Hot Wheels cars. Wowzers. That's rad on at least a dozen levels.
  • That truck chase scene might have been the action highlight of this film. 
  • And finally, that was quite the frickin' whopper to throw into a mid-credits scene, right? Like, the whole world was basically sharing a Coke and a smile and then aw, snap- shit done gets real. I think I even heard a older woman (or younger man) audibly gasp when things took a turn. Well played, Marv- *fades into obilivion*
Cool? Yes. Logical? Um...
  • Wow, Scott. That was quite the maze that you built in your house for your daughter. Quite. The. Maze. Jerkface.
  • I'm sure wherever the Hell this movie takes place (the Bay Area?), someone, maybe just like, one dude, would possibly/maybe notice a giant f--king building shrinking and being rolled away by the dude from Black Rain. No, just me on that one?
  • I'm not sure what concerns me more, how much I want a giant ant, or how absolutely terrifying they are upon close inspection.
  • Ugh. Of all the ways to die, at the bottom of my list is having Ghost reappear with her hand squeezing my heart from the inside. No thank you.
  • Oh, and speaking of Ghost, as much as I dig the whole character and vibe she gives off, I couldn't shake that she was equal parts Fiona Apple and unfairly-expelled Hermione Granger.
  • Thankfully Scott addressed it, but um, for real...there was way too much (barely-passable) technical jargon thrown around. Someone say defractors again, and I'm torching this whole theater.
  • But I'll take quantum everything all day over the heaps and heaps of expository dialogue any day. 
  • Scott, on what could be described as a fairly important top-secret mission has to clue in Luis in case he's needed for a business meeting? Really? You've barely got me buying this whole house-arrest nonsense, and now he's worrying about how he's going to pay his cable bill? The Hell is this?
  • Truth Serum Guy was scarier than any Marvel villain ever. Yikes.
  • First they keep pecking Yoda on the head at the beach (that video will never, ever get old), and now they're eating ants mid-flight? Damn, seagulls are the worst.
  • There was a point at the end where I had no idea what Ghost actually needed. 
  • So it was a good thing that Janet Van Dyne came out with not one, but ten magical E.T. fingers! 
  • And finally, stop me if you've heard this one before, but that was quite the frickin' whopper to throw into a mid-credits scene, right? One could argue that something like that was a little too important to toss in after the end, ya know? Either way, that was a pretty heavy ending to what was basically Marvel's version of an after-school special.
Though it shouldn't really surprise me (as we hardly agree on anything), I still can't believe that my wife loved Ant-Man and the Wasp as much as she did. Especially considering she didn't even see the first one, which was much better. It had all the same great characters, same light-hearted tone, but --- erp, nevermind.

I get it now. 


  1. Great review! I wouldn't call this the best either, but I really enjoyed it. I prefer it to the first Ant-Man. I loved the "World's Greatest Grandma" gag. It was so adorable.

    1. Thanks! I'm glad you had a good time, but maybe it's something about hindsight or whatever, but I remember totally loving the first one. Though, I've never revisited it since the theater.

      Totally adorable, right?

  2. 100% agree on that Stan Lee cameo. Sooooo good.

    1. I hate to think that we're nearing the end of these incredible moments.

  3. What is this? Complaining about scale? I thought it was a delight. But that mid credits scene was such a bad call. I dont know how else they could do this but I am pretty sure they could have moved the order of films around so that the stinger doesnt betray the tone of the whole film

    1. Again, so did my wife. I thought it was fine, but it needed a lot more Rudd and Lilly. A LOT MORE.

      And, yes, totally with you. Hey this was fun-----RIPPPPPPPPPP. And my dying heart is on the floor.

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    1. If only we were stuck in the Quantum Realm.