Monday, July 2, 2018

You work with what you got, not with what you hoped for.

I'm good for at least three or four a year.

One to two of them are adults only, meaning our anniversary or my wife's birthday. I say it's because she needs a break, but I think everybody involved (including my wife) sees through that selfless gesture. The other two are with the kids, and are usually the respite after a hellacious inter-state car ride that would make even Clark W. Griswold turn this damn car around. 

Clearly, the whole point of staying at a hotel is to relax and recharge your batteries. But whether it's alone with my wife, or together with my kids...I'm typically ten times more exhausted checking out then checking in.

Even if the reasons are wildly different (ahem), when it comes to a hotel stay, I can't get a decent night's sleep.

After getting less than nine hours sleep Monday and Tuesday night combined, I foolishly decided to celebrate the last day of school with a Wednesday matinee showing of Drew Pearce's Hotel Artemis. 

I raced to the theater high on the smell of empty lockers and disinfectant, knowing that this flick was about to begin the nine weeks of heaven I had earned for the previous ten months of Hell. But being that I had (kind of) already begun the celebration with consecutive trips to see the Red Sox buttf--k the Orioles (getting home after one AM each night), I overestimated just how far pure f--king elation would carry me. In short, I fell the f--k asleep.

Not entirely, which would have been nice, but more like the way my grandfather would nod off at the dinner table: long blinks at first, followed by the slow and steady drooping of the head, culminating in that awful snap back + snarl/snort combo. What'd I miss?

From what I gather, Jodie Foster is The Nurse, a kind older woman who runs a hotel/urgent care clinic in downtown Los Angeles. Hiding in plain site, this facility serves criminals and all sorts of bad mamma jammas, but only for members that are down with a set of non-negotiable rules. Think that badass hotel in the John Wick movies, minus the class and charm. The Artemis is kind of a shit-hole.

After a bank robbery gone wrong, the seemingly honorable Waikiki (Sterling K. Brown) stumbles in with his brother Honolulu, who after a bit of a shootout, is all sorts of f--ked up. The Nurse is game, and she and her monstrous orderly Everest (motherf--king David Bautista, further cementing his near legendary on screen presence) get to work stitching this dude back together. But as anybody who has ever worked in a hotel knows (*raised battered hand*), you can't give all your attention to one customer. Even if the other ones are f--king assholes.

I'm gonna ask you this one time, where is Hotel Artemis?
Yeah? I'll do you one better. Who is Hotel Artemis?
I'll do *you* one better: why is Hotel Artemis?
In addition to the brothers, there's a sexy assassin lady and a coked-out arms dealer at the Artemis. And all of these motherf--kers may or may not know each other. Well. But f--king things up further, word is that King F--k of Bullshit Mountain is on his way, and he's gonna need some serious attention. Not only is the Wolf King L.A.'s top crimelord, but uh...he also owns the f--king hotel. Ruh roh. The Nurse is gonna need the help. And not those ladies who shit in pies, supportive as they may be.

I'd like to say this moderately intriguing setup amounts to something, well, intriguing, but I won't. Or can't. I'm not really sure either way. I enjoyed the characters and some of the action was pretty f--king cool, but overall, Hotel Artemis didn't amount to much. Um, didn't you fall asleep, you clueless f--king a-hole? Maybe. But say someone shits on your pizza, right? You probably don't have to eat every slice to know it's disgusting.

Speaking of sentences that should never be constructed, here are the Yays and Boos. We thought about giving this flick another chance, but like a family of non-paying assholes I once waited on (with little kids and everything), it absolutely f--king vanished before I could get my shit together.

Us Browns kill with the ladies.
Fine. Sterling does. Mario? Not so much.

  • Stay standing if your boss is an asshole. I actually like my boss, but I like this line even more.
  • California Dreamin' gets into the soundtrack HoF first-ballot, right?
  • It night be overkill to actually show Charlie Day snorting coke, but I'm going to allow it.
  • The score has a Stranger Thing kind of vibe, and I'm basically here for it.
  • Cheddar Bob? Is that you?
  • Bad movie, lame character...whatever. Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum. And he's always a Yay.
  • Do I want to live in a future where you can 3D print yourself a gun and shoot bitches in the head with it? Yes, yes I do. As long as I can 3D print my skull after somebody shoots me.
  • That hallway fight scene doesn't outrank Oldboy, but it's still pretty f--king cool. Like eating cooked squid, you know?
  • And finally, there's a line in this movie where somebody says...Just another Wednesday. Well, yeah. Maybe all of this is just another Wednesday for you. But for me? It was the last day of school, goddammit. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Super Bowl, Opening Day...all ain't got shit on the last day of school.
A raptor? Bit you in the ear? 
  • Protip: murderous bad guy, or knowledge-giving educator - it's a dick move to steal anyone's pen. And, the consequences could be dire. The Wolf King might loudly kill you. Me? I'll just quietly hate you.
  • Dude, was that Spock? The Boo is this should question should never be uttered. If you have Spock - use him. Quinto f--king rules.
  • I'm sorry you guys, but Jenny Slate shouldn't play a cop. Ever. Not when she's currently narrating my summer as Nanny on the rebooted Muppet Babies show. And yes, Violet loves the friggin' Muppets (which I support...for now).
  • I wasn't exactly thrilled when I realized that this is a film about a group of unsavory individuals begging to see the nurse. I mean, that ain't silver screen magic. That's my homeroom.
  • What was with those weird flashbacks at the pier? Was that a dead hobo, or was I just dreaming? No, I'm serious. What was that. I'm pretty sure I was asleep.
  • Fine, I haven't seen any of my brothers in over a year, but even still: if they are all shot up and dying, and I'm about to get f--ked because I'm dragging them around? Welp, it's been real. I'll tell Mom you said bye.
  • If I ever die in a 3D printer, please, please...say I went a better way. Like, saving orphans from a fire, or getting my dick stuck in a VCR. Anything but a 3D printer.
  • I'm not really in any position to say this, but by the end, I found this whole f--king thing rather convoluted. I swear, everybody has some sort of intimately shady past with everyone else. Even if you aren't blinking for thirty seconds at a time, I'm pretty sure this doesn't make any damn sense.
  • And finally, me. Falling asleep in the theater is a major f--king party foul. My bad, Hotel Artemis. I shouldn't have done you so dirty.
Seeing that it's after two in the morning, I should probably get some much-needed sleep. Last week, we went away for three nights, and I took one for the team and slept on the pullout sofa. With my four year-old daughter. Who I'm convinced tried to burrow inside me like I was a hollowed-out tauntaun (to be fair, it was pretty cold in the room). And with my wife asleep on the couch, I've got the greenlight for a good night's rest.

And if you just read all of this? Hell, I'm pretty sure you're getting sleepy, too.


  1. I wish I had gotten some shut eye during this but I stayed awake throughout and got rewarded what I'm pretty sure is the shittiest movie I've seen this year yet.. and I've watched some pretty questionable Netflix movies this year.

    What a waste. What a fucking waste.

    1. Holy've got some fire or this one. Maybe if I had been 100% cognizant I too would be scorching the earth in the name of Hotel Artemis, but I was just mildly let down. I thought the premise was at least...interesting?

      'Questionable Netflix' is basically my favorite genre.

  2. I was falling asleep at the airport. Reading this was the worst idea ever lol

    1. Ha!

      Wait...I'm not entirely sure why reading this is the worst idea ever...but whatever you're probably right.

  3. Oh boy, with that cast I was really hoping for something fun! Now, to wait for a home release where I can do something productive whilst watching, or go to the cinema for a chance of some uninterrupted sleep...

    1. I know you are currently living in a state of extreme exhaustion, so in that regard, I fully recommend it! Cheerzzz.

  4. This looks terrible and inferior than that upcoming Hemsworth is all wet in a hotel movie. Why is Goldblum in such trash lately?

    1. Ha! I don't know what Goldblum is thinking, but I'm all for it. If he just popped up in the corner of every movie and hesitated to say something profound I'd gladly pay an extra dollar per ticket.

      I am not investigating this wet Hemsworth hotel business any further. I'm just gonna let it happen.