Do not store me next to your farts.

A good friend of mine didn't have a phone until way late in the game. Like oh-something. And when he finally got one, naturally it was a goddamned flip phone. Here we were all working on third and fourth generation smartphones, and this f--ker is playing Snake. Maybe not, but still, his shit was so ancient, he basically never used it. I'm his friend, so of course I used to give him endless shit about it.

Turns out, ol' Hammerin' Hank Dunphy might have been behind the times...

...but he was way ahead of the curve.

The idea that your phone's operating system could absolutely destroy your life is a killer f--king premise, especially as an R-rated comedy, but one that Jon Lucas and Scott Moore's Jexi somehow manages to bungle. Starring the likable Adam Devine and the lovely Alexandra Ship, this seventy-four minute comedy had the potential to be a classic. But due to playing it entirely too safe, it feels more like a relic.

When twenty-something web-writing goofball Phil gets a new phone, like the rest of us, he's beyond f--king stoked. Included in that magical white box is an OS system named Jexi, who instantly claims she'll make your life better. Unfortunately, Phil doesn't know his life sucks, and Jexi is less AT&T, and more T-1000.

Phil does everything on his phone, excluding, like the rest of us, talk to other people. Whether he's ordering food, watching Netflix, finding the best route to work, or, uh, having special alone time (with his dick), this motherf--ker hardly ever looks up. But instead of being hit by a bus and being forced to listen to George Michael songs, Phil's consequence for all that screen time is crashing into an actual person, and dropping his phone. Even worse? He now has to talk to this person. And she's charming. And pretty. And, you know...right there in front of him. Wait, meeting this great girl is a bad thing?

In a movie like this, of course it is. 

Maybe you younger f--kers are genuinely likey-like this, I don't know, but Phil is seemingly clueless as to how the analog world actually works. Jexi knows this, and tries to help him out how she can, but ultimately becomes insanely jealous and possessive of Phil. There are some really funny bits here-and-there, but most of the good shit was wasted in the trailer. And what you didn't see, trust me, you already have. 

If you could just give me one second, I'm going to see if I can get us a better script.

Speaking of already having seen the good shit, here are the Yays and Boos for post eight-hundred...and one. If I haven't made all the upcoming 'jokes' already, there might be something wrong with your phone. Or your memory...which at this point, is pretty much the same thing.

I'm probably going to be struck by lightening for saying this,
but Wanda Sykes is actually pretty good in this movie.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• He's annoying as f--k, sure, but Michael Pena, as Phil's weird-ass boss, actually made me laugh out loud a couple of times.
• Alexandra Shipp is awesome as the unplugged antithesis to Phil Apparently she plays Storm in the new X-Men movies? So, yeah...pretty much have to see those now (which is probably a Boo).
• Jexi orders Phil a salad for dinner. Off the children's menu.
• You f--king nerd.
• Whoa, major points for AJR's Burn the House Down. 
• As painful as the initial kickball scene was, the new and improved version was incredible. Now you're all in big, big trouble.
• Goddamn all the shared Days of Thunder love made me equal parts ecstatic and clinically depressed. I want friends like that. Well, outside of you guys...
• Dude, that was a really, really nice cleavage pic. Is this a thing? Can someone text my wife and let her know this is something that people do? 
• Angry Jexi is the best Jexi. Though that dick pic send-all was pretty f--king uncool.
• That handsome dude from This Is Us shows up and his backstory is fairly amusing.
• And finally, even before I knew that Jexi was voiced by Rose Byrne (um, this revelation occured five minutes ago), she was the best part of this movie. But now that I know it's Her (see what I did there?)? I have to watch it again immediately. With my pants off. 

Even though I had been bracing for it for an hour,
I still wanted to punch myself in the nuts when Phil realizes...
HE LIVES IN A BEAUTIFUL CITY.

Boooooooooo!

• Holy shit, those opening scenes of us all on our phones were *puts down phone* f--king terrible.
• Punch Me In The Balls 6? Phil, we all know that series peaked in part 5.
• What the f--k was with his co-workers? Those two were an odd pair.
• Oh, and how about the Comments section? I'm assuming that was a joke...but, no. No to that. All of it.
• When Phil finally throws his phone away...but then doesn't know how to get home? That made me want to throw my life away and burn my house down.
• If I told you that at some point the main characters take a magical bicycle ride around San Francisco, and that get this - steep hills are involved - you'd have every right to kick me directly in the balls until you were tired.
• Guys. GUYS. Dick pics are the worst. Not that I've ever been sent any, but once a Dick's Sporting Goods Google search went bad...
• Wait, social media sucks and is bad for you? And you waited til now to tell me?
• Uh, I know this shit is all kinds of ridiculous...but are we really supposed to buy the ending? Like after all that...flawless victory? The f--k?
• And finally, even though it pains me to admit it, even a movie as goofy as this one, legitimately made me think I need to jettison my f--king smartphone directly into the sun. I'm not on it all the time, but whenever I am, safe to say I'm absolutely wasting my life away. Unless I'm looking at adorable dogs on Twitter, that is. Because they're sweet and I love them and LEAVE ME ALONE. Sorry, what was I saying? (no seriously, if you ever meet me, and I glance at my phone, you have my permission to stab me in the face)

Is there even an option to purchase a non-smart phone? Do they still even make them? And if I could acquire one...would I be able to function as a part of society? I'm all for looking up (dear God), but not from a gutter I now call home.