Saturday, November 9, 2019

The Dump #3: Annoying Animals (Again)

I'm not going to go back and look, but in each instance, I know I said it.

There's no way I will ever see the next one.

Yet here we are. Again. Twice.

For whatever reason (straight up mind control would be my best guess), my kids wanted to see The Secret Life of Pets 2Spearheaded by Dad, we more or less collectively hated the first one, so I'm not entirely sure what compelled us to rent the second. Well, outside of some FREE MOVIE RENTAL coupon one of my kids scored while scouring the street alone, presumably after midnight.

Anyhow, we totally rented it...and mostly watched it. If I remember correctly, everybody was there at the beginning, but by the half-hour mark, there could be only one. The one least on-board with this entire endeavor.

Me.

Even though you'll probably never forgive me, I'd still like to tell you what the movie is about regardless,  even if I don't remember it. The dog that isn't Louis C.K. anymore goes to a farm while Kevin Hart's annoying ass rabbit has to inexplicably rescue a tiger...and the girl dog loses a moderately beloved squeaky toy. Yep. Even my kids were like what the f--k does anything have to with anything for shit's sake, and I simply had no answer for my potty-mouthed hellions. And obviously, neither did the writers. But who needs answers when you've got money. Heaps and heaps of blood-stained money (this movie grossed 433 million on a budget of 80). I wonder what Scorsese thinks about that...




Speaking of someone who deserves a pen jabbed in their throat repeatedly, I was nine-hundred percent driving the bus when I took the wife and kids to The Angry Birds Movie 2. Now, let's not mince words here, upon exiting the theater after the first one, I wanted to not only burn down the theater, but basically our entire town too. Seemed a bit aggressive at the time, but even the almighty Thanos had his doubters, too.

Maybe I've softened in my old age (I've definitely softened [eww, not like that...okay fine...kind of life that]), but while the first one f--king sucked, hooray for school - this one just kinda sucked. There were a few moments of inspired idiocy, but nothing reached the level of that epic piss scene in the original. But frankly speaking, few scenes in cinematic history can hold a candle to one featuring a giant eagle taking a minutes-long leak into a pool the main characters just bathed in.

[This is where I mention Regal's 'See Three, Get Three' promo, and that seeing Angry Birds 2 afforded me digital copies of both Far From Home [review] and Men In Black: International [review]]

[This is where I realize, in terms of my life, I'm doing it wrong]

To my utter disappointment, Max was not eaten whole.
Yays and Boos - GO! For what movie, I have no idea.

Yaaaaay!

  • Shamed as I am to admit it, that damn turkey actually made me laugh out loud.
  • The credits? That means the movie is over! And what's this? Adorable pictures of real dogs and kids? EVEN BETTER.
  • Eating popcorn and listening to Sarah Mclaughlin? Yes, please.
  • I hate Chuck, but his speed demo was pretty funny.
  • And finally, at one point, my wife muttered to herself, ridiculous, and I have to tell you, I've never been happier. The movie was so bad, the word needed to be said aloud. Like, as a fully-functioning adult, she simply couldn't contain her displeasure.

Hopefully this is the line for the guillotine. 
Boooo!

  • Tiffany Haddish is basically the new Wanda Sykes. Ugh. (but damn that dog was adorable)
  • We should have Kevin Hart rap - signed, a furious Satan.
  • This movie is not only painful, but it's also painfully self aware. Letting us know that you know how bad all of this is, is basically the Cadillac of dick moves.
  • And finally, the inclusion of Baby Shark? Thanks for that, a-hole. I hope whoever approved licensing this song is eaten by a shark. Well, fine. Not totally. Just the part that makes babies.

Hopefully you and yours are avoiding unnecessary animated sequels and spending legitimate quality time with your family. As for me? Well, I'll get back to you on that one.

Once I finish pre-purchasing these Frozen 2 tickets, that is.

3 comments:

  1. These are two my son went to with my husband and I thankfully got to stay home. The How To Train Your Dragon movies are the only animated sequels I want. lol

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    Replies
    1. Lucky duck, Brittani. You dodged more than one bullet, here.

      I actually own the third HTTYD and still, perhaps unsurprisingly, have not even opened the disc, despite loving the first two so much.

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  2. As my kid gets older, I'm making the most of every single day that I don't have to watch movies like this...but I know it can only last so long.
    Admittedly, I laughed every time I saw the chicken dance thing in the Angry Birds 2 trailer.

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