Thursday, January 2, 2020

I bet you're wondering who we are and why we're here.

The first time, I got the story.

Parents die. Sister gets hurt. Other sister leaves. Rock trolls show up for some reason. Someone sings an epic ballad. Hearts thaw. Everyone lives happily ever after. Getting it was equal parts easy and peasy.

It was the phenomenon that I didn't understand.

This time around, the phenomenon makes sense (as much as anything that people lose their minds about ever does), but it's the story I can't wrap my head around. Wait...why are they fighting? Why is there a salamander, and more importantly, can I buy it in Funko Pop form?

While my wife was absolutely riveted by every single aspect of Frozen II, to me it felt like nothing more than the prettiest cash-grab ever. But in this case, the sequel wasn't necessarily unwarranted, but more just...indecipherable. 

Yeah, it's been a minute or two since we caught Disney's latest animated feature, but I don't think it's the elapsed time that's making my head foggy. Instead, it's a story written by five people (probably the industry standard for a Disney mega-sequel, but still) that is way more complicated than it needed to be. Well, that, or I was just really tired that day (code for: I'm not that bright).

Anyhow, because clearly, I've got nothing, I decided to call in some experts to lend a hand in all things Anna and Elsa (and unfortunately, Olaf [he's literally the worst thing since Mater]). Some other people around the Two Dollar Cinema compound/abandoned warehouse have been a bit miffed about my daughter being the only one featured in 'reviews', so this time, and hopefully only this time, the whole gang is going to contribute. Their job? To tell you, dear reader, what exactly this movie is about. Up first? In a shocking turn of events, my lovely wife, Kim.

This was the only scene where I didn't want to put Olaf in the nearest oven.

Quick question, what was Frozen II about?

KimFrozen II was about, um...Elsa was being called from the spirit -which turned out to be her mom- to help free the Enchanted forest. There's a whole bunch about why the Enchanted forest was you need more? [foolishly shakes head indicating no, that's enough]. She's the fifth, fire, water...what else? Wind? Remember all the little spirits? The chameleon...

[stares blankly]

The story might be lacking, but visually, shocking no one, the film is absolutely stunning.
I did forget about the spirit things, but let's be honest...that's a whole lot of gibberish. Let's see if Violet, a six year-old girl, can provide any clarity.

Violet, what was Frozen II about?

Violet: It was[flops to floor like a child] I don't knowwww! *Mom intervenes/encourages/furrows brow* They ended up having to try and save the voice that was calling Elsa.

Kim: It was like Pocahontas inside of Frozen, basically.

Anna, tripping balls.
Ohhh, now I get it. *runs* My son will save the day. If you can't get thorough information out of a ten year-old-boy, who can you get it out of?

Matty, what was Frozen II about?

Matthew: Am I on a timer? [I stare at him disapprovingly] Are you typing that I just said timer? [shakes head/lies to his face] It was about the spirits that their dad had told them a story about. And later they found out how powerful they are and how to contain them.

That's what the story's about?

Yeah, I guess. [pauses] Dad, are you still on Frozen II?

*closes laptop*

Not anymore.


  1. Apart from hating Olaf (excuse me how dare you) I'm with you 100%. I ADORED the original Frozen but the sequel was messy and the songs were meh. And the next time someone asks me what it was all about I'm directing them here because your family did a much better job at explaining it than I could!

    1. Stop it. You seem like a reasonable person, Allie. There is no possible way that you, you know, actually like Olaf. I refuse to believe this.

      This whole endeavor, while not offensively bad, is so...derivative. At least, song-wise. The story? Well, who the Hell knows about that. Clearly not me. Or my family, honestly.

  2. Ohhh God I love that Matty is shading you over your pace 😂 doctor sleep is probably gonna hit itunes before your review appears

    1. What a punk, right? Maybe if him and his sister would leave me alone, I could get some things done around here, you know?

      As for Doctor Sleep...yeah, probably. Dammit.

  3. LOL this made me laugh. I actually preferred this one to the original, but that's probably because I no longer have a 2 year old that is forcing me to watch it every night for several months.

    There are some very stupid moments in this film though. Like "omg your mom is from her? ALL IS WELL LET'S SING!"

    1. kids were never really all that into the first one. I think my wife liked it the most, honestly (my daughter already has that thing where she arbitrarily hates everything she's supposed to love [this should be fun when she's older]).

      There a lot of stupid moments in this one, for sure. I think it was a bit too 'edgy' for it's own good.

  4. Why am I not suprised that this movie is an incomprehensible mess? That's what happens when sequels everybody (but you and me it seems) asked for take 6 years to come around. I can't say I've been less interested in a big movie this year.

    1. I'm hoping it was just me, but man, this damn thing is so unnecessarily convoluted, you'd think in six years they could have tightened it up a bit.

      I wasn't really interested in it myself, but I have a pretty weird 'if anybody wants to see anything, I'll take them' policy (which bites me in the ass more often than not with family films...because I think the kids just feign interest for popcorn)

  5. Awwww, I loved this! But also.. I'm yet to see Frozen II and I might never will (I know, who am i? oh yeah, an adult who keeps avoiding Disney stuff) and honestly, this didn't help. I love a good coherent story that has a point.

    1. Hahaha...thank you. I don't think anyone needs to see this movie, but my wife might (rather passionately) disagree with that statement. Clearly, her judgement is suspect, but maybe in this case...she's right?

      (It actually might be coherent for someone who's not a if you see it, feel free to explain it to me anytime!)