Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Monsters exist.

My kids don't really like movies

Hopefully, I can double back in a few years and change that don't to didn't, but for now, watching a flick isn't a thing they are consistently into. Aw.

Unless - UNLESS - giant monsters are involved. Then it's like let's f--king do this shit (minus the profanity, of course).

In preparation for Godzilla vs. Kong, we - as a family (gasp!) - watched the somewhat dubious Godzilla: King of all Monsters [review], and despite all the rainy, electrical storm battles during the darkest night ever recorded, that viewing experience was a resounding success. Please sir, I want some more. Logically, Kong: Skull Island was our next stop along the way, right? RIGHT?

It should have been. But after consulting some family-centric websites, I couldn't do it. Not with the kids. Not with my wife. Check that, not with my kids AND my wife. I get in enough trouble as it is. And allegedly...there was some stuff. Stuff ol' Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema might find objectionable. Aw.

Anyway, after years of sitting in my VUDU account, I finally unleashed heck and dialed up Skull Island and can I tell you, I effing loved it. Not only is Kong somehow infinitely cooler than Godzilla (blasphemy, I know), I COULD SEE EVERYTHING. Like, the sun was out and it was shining directly into my eyes (while cool shit was going down, no less). My retinas were torched, and I couldn't have been happier.

Now, I've lost my way in the universe (both the films and...ours), but best I can gather, the sneaky bastards at the Government want to map out the Bermuda Triangle-esque Skull Island, and naturally, weaponize motherf--king Kong. They send an elite team of Marvel Superheroes (Loki, Nick Fury and Captain Marvel) to complete the job, but thankfully, everything immediately goes tits up. Kong goes ape-shit on all of them - but with, alas, good reason.

(isn't that always the case?)

Yeah, turns out Kong isn't killing all humans because it's fun and looks awesome, sure, but instead he's protecting their selfish asses from all kinds of spooky shit buried deep in the Earth's core. Isn't that kind of how Godzilla rolls? Something along those lines? Eh, ultimately it really doesn't matter, as it's almost immediately obvious who the real monsters are...those f--kers who didn't grab me by the shoulders and demand I see this bastard theatrically. Sigh.

No shit, this is an oddly beautiful flick.

Speaking of theatrical experiences, ye ol' local cineplex is back in business, and I may just have to take the Yays and Boos on a little field trip. Yeah, it might be strange re-entering society after such a long hiatus, but not any stranger than looking hard for Kong's super monkey balls to make an appearance...and being upset when they didn't. Wait, what?

If you don't think that's cool, we can't be friends.
Okay, we can, but I don't ever have to call shotgun
  • Mark my words, there'll never be a more screwed up time in Washington. Well...
  • Is it hot in here, or is it just Tom Hiddleston? Man, I feel like I've only ever seen this guy as Loki, so it was great seeing him minus his...horns?
  • Oh, and absolute bonus points for featuring a masked Hiddles skulking around a smoke-filled with a goddamned ninja sword. *swoons
  • Uh, was that Samuel L. Jackson telling us to hold on to our butts? Good sir, I never let go.
  • Seriously, is Skull Island a real place? Not like that, a-hole, I mean, where they filmed. Because if it is...um, it might me the most beautiful place on the planet.
  • The tone is set very early on: Kong is gonna smash shit real good, and we're going to get to see it even better. The opening barrage was nothing short of f--king tremendous.
  • That southern gentleman - Billy's dad? I loved that guy so much. Not enough to pick up his name, but still.
  • I'm not entirely sure why John C. Reily is in this, other than the fact that he's one of the coolest dudes walking the planet. So, I guess that checks out then, huh?
  • So there's this one dude that gets tail-whipped into the side of a mountain, moments before he explodes into a million pieces. And outside of the fact that his family will have to explain that whenever someone asks how did your Dad die?, that's just about the coolest shit ever.
  • I don't ever really want to call the Continuity Cops unless I have to, but I'm afraid my (sweaty) hands are tied. Hi, yes, I'd like to report Brie Larson. Charge? Constant violations from scene to scene. No, no. Not all of her. Just her boobs actually, thanks.
  • And finally, I just can't thank the sun and daylight enough for their work in this film. Together, these two industry stalwarts damn near stole the show from countless incredible actors and arguably the best CGI monster ever. Yeah, cool people doing cool shit against an even cooler monster is rad, but, uh, it all ain't shit if you can't see what the Hell is going on.
Looks like Wreck-It Ralph stumbled into Mortal Kombat.
  • Man, stopping a sword with your hands? Oh, f--k that.
  • Never really flown a choppa, but I kind of get the feeling that formation was a little tight, no?
  • Hey, let's map this place out. Cool, how? I was thinking, I don't know...bomb the absolute shit out of it. 
  • That f--king spider-thing, as cool as it was, was the reason I couldn't watch this with my kids...yet? (yo, that was pretty graphic)
  • Dude, what they Hell were those Skullcrusher things? I was kind of hoping Kong would go hard-R on them, you know? (even though he did pretty much did, when you think about it)
  • Pretty sure we don't have time for this cigarette break, fodder, er, fellas.
  • This is pretty stupid (well, this is all pretty stupid), but I've never really been cool with something fifty-feet tall sneaking up on you. I mean, my son is like 5'2" and I can hear that jerkface coming from two miles away.
  • There's one point where Kong decides to get a little face-time with Brie Larson's character, and I'm not a hundred percent sure what the heck was going on there. Was it beauty that killed the beast? Or was his nose just itchy?
  • Speaking of Ms. Larson, pretty sure two gigantic-ass monsters fighting to the death might be worth taking a picture of, yeah? Just a thought...
  • And finally, what was with that post-credits scene? That was somewhat...odd, right? I felt like I went from watching an action movie set in the 70s, to a 70s porno with no action.
Now, I'm not going to call this work, but I cranked this one up not only to do some reconnaissance for my kids, but also so I could come in to Godzilla v. Kong prepared. And in typical Two Dollar Cinema fashion, that's exactly what I was, sort of, as we started the film...and never finished it. 

Before it left HBO Max.

The good news? It's actually playing in the theater by my house? The bad news? There's no f--king way my wife is letting me take the kids to the movie theater at this point. Meaning...I'd have to go by myself.
Wait...that's the bad news? 

Those bastards don't even like movies, remember?

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