Thursday, July 19, 2012

Tom Brady could do that.

I fill up my DVR with all kinds of stuff. Mostly current movies that I didn't see in the theater, but occasionally I grab random stuff to review for this site. June 26th, I recorded what I thought was going to be an awesomely bad flick from 1980, a little movie called Flash Gordon. Almost a month later, I still hadn't gotten to it. And Tuesday night, I paid dearly for my laziness. Tuesday night, I saw Ted.

I don't watch Family Guy that often, but I've seen enough of it to know that Seth MacFarlane is a Jedi-master of obscure pop-culture references. In his directorial debut, the trend continues. But for all the Joan Crawford and Frankie Muniz references, there is one constant point of reference. Yeah, you guessed it, motherf--king Flash Gordon.

Now it might seem like I'm spending too much time talking about a shitty action flick from thirty-plus years ago, but I'm just trying to keep up. It's all over Ted. Seriously.

Anyway, let's get on with it. If you smiled at all during the preview, then you are going to love this flick (though, the previews gave away a slew of the good bits). Say what you want about MacFarlane's sense of humor, but he takes so many shots, he's bound to crack you up at least once. Sure, he relies on simply saying the worst thing but it's still pretty amusing. And adding a thick Boston accent to everything triples the enjoyment for me. But my family is full of Massholes, so I have a legit excuse.

What there might not be an excuse for, is the down time (basically, any time Ted's not onscreen). Sure, Kunis and Wahlberg are beautiful and charming, but honestly, who gives a f--k? No one's on their first date. Nobody is taking their fiancee to this. Those bastids are at Magic Mike, watching Channing Tatum shake his wee wee.

On that note, let's make a wish. I'll wish for the Yays and you wish for the Boos. And by Yays, I mean a willing Mila Kunis, and by Boos I mean who-cares-I-already-got-Mila Kunis.

Confirmed: 'Cut the shit' is a Boston thing.
  • I realize that this reads as one of the dumbest things ever written, but Wahlberg and Ted have a very good chemistry. Maybe it's because Wahlberg spends a lot of time talking to animals. Say hello to ya mutha for me.
  • Professor X's narration. Loved the bit about the awesome power of the Apache helicopter.
  • Thunder Buddies for life. ( I can't shake that damn song...F--k you, thunder! You can...
  • Are you in one of those gay beat up clubs?
  • Turns out, every woman in Boston is hot. All three of her co-workers and especially the girl who works at the rental-car company. Jinkies.
  • Chris Brown can do no wrong! and You suck, Kareem.
  • Now, it lacks the insane magic of the original, but I give major love to the recreation of the dance scene in Airplane. Genius.
  • As any parent will tell you, dealing with actual shit is not cool, but the shit removal scene was hysterical.
  • Almost everything at the grocery store. His boss ruled, and the lotion/check-out lane bit was awesome.
  • The reaction of the guys when Wahlberg aims his fart was hysterical. That one guy loses his mind.
  • I thought the one celeb cameo was pretty funny. And I'm not talking Tom Skerrit.
  • Nora Jones is always welcome, even if it was a bit jarring to see her. I gotta f--k her again.
  • The violence! Punching a kid in the face is always funny, and the fight scene between Ted and John was brutally funny. Watch that lamp.
  • When Ted, um, comes back, that was a pretty tasteless joke, but the uncertainty on Wahlberg's face...

She's probably wondering: what's up with his hair?
  • The one scene that baffled Flem and I was the Flash Gordon ray-gun bit. Did I miss something?
  • When a joke involves reading and someone in the theater reads it out loud.
  • Garfield tits. Funny, a little. But that's it?
  • Cool scene in Fenway- Yaaaay. But in a movie where the main character is a talking teddy bear, we couldn't use a little CGI to put the Sox in first place? What is this a documentary?
  • And finally, there was a well, rape joke, and Flem and I were the only ones in the theater who laughed. Oh, what? Now we're drawing lines?
According to the breakdown, I really liked this film. The more I think about it, it was pretty friggin' funny. This, coming from a guy who hasn't seen Flash Gordon...yet.


  1. Good review M. I laughed a whole bunch of times during this movie and I was really surprised when I did because I don't usually like Family Guy all that much. Still, great jokes here and hopefully we get to see more of MacFarlane directing and writing movies in the future.

  2. Nice review. Didn't like Ted that much. There were some funny lines and ideas, but it was very lazy and it shouldn't have been so cliched and semi-serious at points with the romantic stuff...thought Seth McFarlane would know that by know.

    1. I don't disagree with anything you said.

      It was terribly lazy, but I still laughed enough to like it.

  3. Great review as always! I will see this one for Kunis and the Teddy Bear, though I'm sure I won't love it as much as the cute one from AI :)

    1. You don't like Wahlberg? C'mon, that's Dirk Diggler we're talking about.

      I don't remember anything from AI (I saw it in the theater) other then it being very sad and a bit creepy.

  4. I saw this with a buddy the other day and I thought it was hysterical. I agree it had a Family Guy touch and not all of the [very many] jokes land, but when they do it's awesome. My Yays that you didn't include: Lance Armstrong Nut show case, picking up the sh!t "you never cook with that hand again".

    1. I forgot about the nut joke. That was sooo weird and carried on waaay too long.

      Typical MacFarlane, I suppose.

      And yeah, Wahlberg's screams in that scene were hysterical.