Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Why do they always pick on my hat?

I don't know if it's because I've now set my summer movie-loving sights on the upcoming Expendables sequel, or simply because I've spent too much time at the always awesome Comeuppance Reviews, but last night I felt compelled to fire up some (mindless) action. Though I've seen just about every Stallone and Schwarznegger flick ever, I'm not as dedicated to the second (and third?) tier guys. So, who did I turn to for a cinematic roundhouse to the face?

F--kin' Chuck Norris.

Forced Vengeance hit theaters in 1982. I don't know what audiences made of it then, but now it's pretty ridiculous. Chuck Norris has morphed into a bit of a sideshow in recent years (I put the blame on that Walker, Texas Ranger lever that Conan O'Brien had, though I don't know if that predates the 'facts' craze), but in his day he was pretty legit. Sure, he lacks any semblance of range but makes up for it with his no-nonsense style of ass kicking. Maybe other roles allow him to actually change expression, but in Forced Vengeance, Chuck's stuck on slightly disappointed. He'd prefer it if everybody would just be cool, but if bitches step out of line, Chuck's going to do something about it. He's all business, even when it gets personal.

The story is pretty standard. Norris plays Josh Randall, the muscle at a casino owned by his old friend/father figure, Sam. Sam's son, David, runs the day-to-day operations now that the old man has basically retired to a life of desk collecting and pool installations. Guess what? David's not the best at this job, and has got himself (and therefore, everyone) in some deep shit. He can get out if he sells the casino to some unsavory types, but guess what? His old man's not interested. Guess what else? Those unsavory types? Who knows why they ever ask in the first place, because those dudes are going to do whatever they want. And that's when Chuck gets pissed involved. Oh, you done f--ked up now.

Before my silhouette gets spin-kicked to the face, I'm going to unleash my special move. On my knuckles, some spiked Yays. In my boot, I keep a couple of razor-sharp Boos. But I don't want any trouble. I just want to play cards. Or something.

These guys literally come out of nowhere.
  • There's a pool? Well, might as well kick someone into it. 
  • Flashback Norris doesn't have a mustache. You know, because it takes time to grow those.
  • The guy who played Sam, the old man, was surprisingly solid. RIP, David Opatoshu.
  • The score. It's overpowering. This thing can kick some ass. Say the wrong thing? SCORE! Right to the face.
  • Chuck's ol' Nam buddy, Leroy. He was a solid guy. Until he gets f--ked up by Gigantic Asian Date Rapist (from here on out, GADR, for short).
  • At one point, all of Hong Kong is looking for Norris and his two lovely ladies. So, random dudes will challenge him. One guy shows up and does his Nunchuk routine. Chuck shows him a pistol and it really dampens what was a rather enthusiastic performance on the 'chuks.
  • There is the best slo-motion roof jump ever. And, you get to see it twice.
  • Okay, this is probably a Boo, but it's just so awesomely terrible. Chuck provides a lot of voiceover work in this one. What's great, is that he barely moves his mouth when he speaks, you're never quite sure what the Hell is going on.
  • In one fight, a toilet is removed from the floor and thrown. It's not a horse-throw, but it's pretty cool.
  • And in that same fight? Chuck unleashes three, yes three, slo-motion moves. I thought one was the limit.
  • And finally, the ending credits sequence. I don't know why this practice disappeared, but we get to see all of the great stunts again. Let's bring this back. Now.
Bravest man I ever knew was a homo-sexual. Ugh.
  • Isn't vengeance always forced?
  • I did a 'bastard' tally and only hit five. Way too low.
  • And I did a women's blouses torn open pre sexual assault tally and I hit two. Way too high.
  • At a rival casino, Chuck swindles some a-holes in this hard-to-understand dice game. I think it's called Yahtzee.
  • As a threat, Chuck holds a lighter to a guy. Tell him what he wants, damn it. He's got a lighter.
  • This guy pictured above, is a real jerk. But my mom will be happy to know that the red shorts she lost in 1981 have finally been located.
  • When Leroy gets his ass kicked by GADR, the finishing move is pretty much an overenthusiastic hug. I'm pretty sure my uncle Jack does this every family reunion and he has yet to snap any spines.
  • The boss during the yacht level finishes himself in the most ridiculous fashion. He misses a kick and somehow ends up hanging himself. Damn it. This is a Yay, isn't it?
  • And finally, this line. Sweet cheeks. You could have been a toasted marsh-mellow.
That might be my only foray into 80's action for awhile. Though, as a little history lesson before The Expendables 2, it was welcome. Between you and me, the first Expendables was pretty stupid, but I liked it anyway. That pretty much sums up my feelings for Forced Vengeance, too.


  1. I liked the first Expendables movie too - sure it was dumb but it was fun too. And I do like Jason Statham even if his movies are mostly retarded. I loved that bit with the lever on Conan's show - always made me laugh. Just like this review, great work!

    1. I never in a million years would have pegged you for someone who saw (and enjoyed) the first Expendables. That's awesome.

      And, yes. Statham is the best, though he's better than 90% of the movies he's in.

      I'm glad I know someone else who liked that lever. It actually makes me laugh just thinking about it.

    2. Oh yeah, I'm a huge Statham fan I think I've seen like 90% of his movies. I wished he stayed in kind of stuff he made with Guy Ritchie though, he is so funny there.

      I will never forgot the moment he pulled the lever and the clip of little kid saying "Walker told me I have AIDS" showed up and then it cut to Conan standing there completely stunned. Hilarious.

    3. I wish Guy Ritchie stayed with the Guy Ritchie stuff, too. Statham needs to be in something that's a hit, asap.

      I checked out that AIDS clip (I don't think I'd ever seen that one). Conan's reaction is priceless!

      Whatever happened to Little Forrest?

  2. I saw Arnie's Total Recall yesterday and instead of pumping me up for the new remake in a couple of weeks time, it got me anticipating for The Expendables 2! Typical 80s absurd but fun action sequences. I haven't seen much of Chuck Norris' work and wasn't even aware of this one. But always did enjoy those "facts" jokes.

    1. Agreed! I have now put all of my eggs in the Expendables 2 basket. Hopefully it will be insanely violent and stupid, and a shit ton of fun (ugh...that rhymed).

      I keep forgetting about Total Recall. That looks surprisingly good. Hard to top the original though...