Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, disc included, in my Jeep, we'd all be better off. In fact, I should have just left it in the machine altogether. But damned if I'm not a sucker for a hot chick and a short runtime. Quite the diabolical duo, or so it seems.
Anyway, picked up on a whim as a naptime feature and even with zero expectations, I was still left utterly disappointed. Almost angry, in fact. I'll be the first to admit that I was in a shitty mood when I started it, but by the end I wanted vengeance. First, whoever greenlit this shit? They need an arrow to the balls and/or vagina. Secondly, most of the cast? You bitches need to be pushed into a hot oven for even signing up for this one. I just watched it. You a-holes made it. And finally, I blame myself. I might deserve a troll stomp to the groin for wasting $0.32 renting this one. Or slightly more valuable, my time.
If you care, and likely you don't, this flick tells an updated/reimagined/dumber version of the original Hansel and Gretel fairy tale. We still get the siblings lured into a strange candy house. And they still end up outsmarting her and cooking that nasty witch in her own oven. But these kids talk a little shit while they're at it, potentially severing all ties with the original German children's story. And from there? Basically all bets are off. From there it's all bad acting and even worse effects, with terrible dialogue delivered in atrocious accents. But just when you think you'd rather jam a lollipop in your eye than continue watching Witch Hunters, writer/director Tommy Wirkola wins you back with an awesome kill or some chick's shapely ass. To which I reply, as only another famous hunter of wretched beasts could, Clever girl.
Non-existent Robert Muldoon quote quota attained, let's piss off the townsfolk and hunt down the Yays and Boos. Or we could just phone it in and burn everyone at the stake willy-nilly. F--k it. Either way works for me.
|Good thing there's not this weird incestuous thing going, right. About that.|
- The Candy House. I actually couldn't give a shit about the movie version. But when I was a kid, my dad fully built one. For real. A life size candy house. Suck on that, every other kid in the world.
- Peter Stormare. This movie could have ejected itself from my PS3 and taken a dump on my chest and I would still love Peter Stormare. Shitty movie or not, the dude's the best.
- Speaking of those I love unconditionally, give it up for Famke Jensen. She's as beautiful as ever in this one, though she does turn into this ugly-ass witch at times. Whom I'd still do, of course. Hard.
- Someone is forced to eat worms till they explode. Seriously. That's what that sentence says.
- Though it's entirely ridiculous, I appreciate that almost every time someone is punched or shot they fly completely through the closest wall. Equal parts stupid and awesome.
- There's a scene where the lovely Gretel (played by the sultry Gemma Arterton) passes out, um or something. Anyway, in order to help the reviving process, the town fanboy finds it solid practice to clean off her heaving bosom. This is logic I can get behind.
- Ask any man alive if he likes Gatling guns. If he even hesitates, drive a stake through his heart immediately. He's probably a witch. Or a pussy.
- Speaking of badassery, there's a troll that absolutely devastates bitches for f--king with Gretel. More on that guy later.
- And finally, in a sad state of desperation, I invented my own game to try to ease the pain of watching Jeremy Renner run around yet another film with a gun and/or bow (and take it out with flair). Every time someone said a line with the word witch in it, I, like any lame twelve year-old boy would mentally substitute the word bitch instead. Oh it's stupid, but you can't argue with results like these...
- The only good bitch is a dead bitch.
- These bitches. They never learn.
- But, your mother! The most powerful white bitch.
- Sorry, I know they've made some decent flicks, but as soon as I saw 'MTV Films' I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
- But then the real jab in the nuts? 'Produced by Will Ferrell' flashed across the screen? What the shit? Ron Burgundy is responsible for this?
- Hansel is a diabetic. Is that supposed to be stupid funny? Or just stupid?
- The action is just weird. It's kind of like a bad kung-fu flick at times.
- I'm guessing that most of this movie is historically inaccurate, but even an idiot like me had a problem with the words yep and porridge being used seconds apart. C'mon guys, really? There's no f--king way this ever happened. Oh, Mummy, can I have some more porridge? Yep.
- I mentioned the troll earlier, right? Right. Well this troll, Edward, is one weird looking bastard. He's like three cups John Cena and friggin' half cup Samwise Gamgee. Add Ron Perlman, to taste.
- There's a witch on witch battle that has the potential to be cool. But in yet another Ultimate Boo, the scene is all too brief.
- But speaking of things that should never happen, there are zero breasts in this movie. Not man, woman nor beast allows us to view their magical knockers.
- But we get to see lots of other dumb shit in the third dimension. Well, maybe theater goers did anyway. I was stuck watching shit wave at the screen for no reason.
- And finally, in an all new category of Boo, let me present the You've got to be f--king kidding me Boo. Turns out they're making a sequel. And it's produced by Ron Burgundy.
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
Carefully place Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters directly on the center rack.
Bake for 88 minutes.
Should be germ free by then.