Monday, June 27, 2016

I think the history I know is a little different.

If given the opportunity to undo large portions of the past, I really don't know where I'd start. I've lost a few extremely important people along the way, so that's the obvious answer. But the (unintended) ripple effect of bringing them back may undo something else. But rules are rules, and they must be followed. It can be hard work, though, you know? I mean, you can only carry so many personal versions of the McFly family picture around, before time travel becomes a real bitch.

But a simple thing I wish I could go back and change? Something that wouldn't likely make it rain donuts or change the genders of my kids? That's easy.

I'd un-watch about three quarters of the films I've seen. Starting with...oh, I don't know...

X-Men: Days of Future Past probably isn't a boring film, but holy blue Beast shit did I have to labor to complete it. Watched over three nights with maximum effort (think a milder version of the Ludovico technique), seeing 2014's hit sequel was supposed to pump me up for a theatrical viewing of the new one. But instead, left me like Storm's accent, uninterested and incomprehensible. 

Actually, the story isn't all that hard to follow, as long as you know the rules of Hollywood time-travel (as opposed to what other time-travel, I'm unsure). Shit has been hitting the fan in the future, er, present day, as the gigantic, super-adaptive Sentinels have been exterminating mutants left and right. Seems these Iron Giant-looking motherf--kers were made using fluid found deep inside Mystique's mammary glands (a boy can dream, right?) back in the 1970s. So our guys, in the future, er, present, send Wolverine back to prevent all this nonsense.

Uh, well...they try to, anyway. While the future, er, present is a Sentinel-laden shitstorm, the past isn't exactly a warm summer breeze, you know? Wolvie, with vast knowledge of what is to come, has to convince a young, upright Charles Xavier (currently hepped up on goofballs) and the federally-imprisoned Magneto to check their egos and cast aside their differences. But, as it always appears to be, we're balls deep in an era where anti-mutant sentiment is as high as ever (um, it seems no matter the decade the world collectively thinks, f--k all mutants in their gifted arses). Will this patchwork plan succeed? Or will all the mutants die awesome, fiery deaths, thereby devastating the only non-Marvel studio franchise that anyone seems to give a (relative) shit about?

I don't want to spoil it for you. Maybe we should ask someone coming out of X-Men: Apocalypse if our favorite mutants survived?

Had I not seen this movie, there is no way I ever would have known that the guy in the middle?
Well, he's the coolest motherf--ker in the room. By a mile.
Speaking of something that should get you rightfully punched in the face, here are the Yays and Boos. We have a free pass to Apocalypse which presents quite the paradox. Do we waste our time by going? Or do we waste our money by not? Especially considering that time is money. I mean, amiright?

Clothes? From the past. Hallway...not so much.
  • Okay, so all the initial deaths are f--king awesome. Our dudes put up a pretty good fight...
  • ...especially Portal-Throwing Lady. I haven't read an X-Men comic book since 1987, but I'm just going to assume that's not her actual name.
  • Hey, uh, Wolvie, you can be the one to go back. And, uh, you'll look...well, pretty much the same as you always have. F--king Jackman, you handsome freak.
  • Oh, sexy Army-style Barbie is my favorite! 
  • Ah, Dinklage. I love you so.
  • I've always heard Fassbender had a big one, but dude, this guy's got some killer balls, too.
  • The ending is pretty cool. It's like a high-school reunion with old friends. Except these ones are all famous. And in shape. And likable.
  • And finally, even though you probably already know this, Evan Peter's Quicksilver is the star of the f--king show. He may only really get two good scenes, but they're easily the best five minutes of the entire movie. I'll probably end up dragging myself to the next one, solely to see this guy do his thing one more time. Funny, as bored (that should probably read as tired, honestly, but whatever) as I was, I actually wanted time with Quicksilver to go even slower.

Like...this is basically a naked girl. With big boobs.
And...I...hate it? How is this possible?
  • I've never been to Moscow, but, according to movies, color does not exist there.
  • C'mon, 70's wiseguys. You guys really think f--king with Wolverine is a solid plan?
  • Um, a soused-up Charles Xavier tells Wolverine the same thing Wolvie once said to him: f--k off. But, um, you see, *pushes glasses back from bridge of nose*, I believe the line Wolverine said was Go f--k yourselves. So, technically...
  • Speaking of Charles and his mistakes, you're telling me he gave up his mutant walk...around an empty school, no less? The Hell? That's like giving up having giant dick to have an uglier face. At least I think it.
  • Mystique breaks a guy's neck...with her foot? Not buying it. A titty to the spine? Sure. Snippity snap. But a foot, really? Who uses a foot? I mean, honestly.
  • Whoever thought mixing in Zapruder-style film sequences was a good idea, should be mysteriously shot from all directions.
  • Okay, was that Chris Christie playing Richard Nixon? (okay it wasn't, but this dude looks kinda like him, right?)
  • Why is the plan for peace always killing mutants? That makes no sense. That's like saying I'm going to make this blog better by adding to it.
  • Dude, I've been to RFK Stadium. There's no way that place stays in one piece if you jump up and down in it, let alone fly it across the f--king city.
  • Wolverine being thrown into the Potomac was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Probably shouldn't have been, yes?
  • And finally, I really think this undoing everything that's already happened shit is ultimately a pretty hearty f--k you to the audience. Now, you're telling me those other four movies never actually happened? Then what the f--k did I pay good money to see? I think Fox has to starting cutting checks to everyone who saw the first X-Men flicks. Make mine payable to Giant Asshole.
All bullshit aside, I'm sorry for wasting all of your precious time with this pointless post. After some serious coding, and some Primer [review] level scheming and schematic-uh, ing, I have created a simple device that lets you travel into the past, allowing you to undo anything unpleasant that has happened to you. Like, for example, reading (most of) this post. All you have to do is push the button below.

Ah, Hell. Didn't work, did it? You're still right where you were, your time still totally wasted. F--k.

Wait. Shit. *scribbles something onto legal pad, before throwing it at the wall*

Are you, are you...wearing clothes

Dammit. Did you forget the rules? This shit's pretty scientifical, okay? F--k it, if that guy across from you at work sees your junk. You'll be outta here in just a second. Let's go, lose the shirt. Yep. Pants, too.


  1. I'm never wearing clothes. through this?


    1. Wow. 'Never' is pretty impressive. I mean, even though you're a dude and the male form in all its glory is just the worst.

      But, yeah man. I sacked up for this one and it...just...kept...going. Honestly, I don't even know why I pressed on. I'm oddly committed sometimes, you know?

    2. I'm beautiful as f***


    3. As 'f--k' you say? Well, in that case. I think I'm gonna need pics...

      ...of a naked woman. Oh, wait. I'm on the internet. Phew.

  2. I thought this movie was convoluted AF and I hate myself for actually watching most of it because I didn't like First Class. I just wanted to see Rogue, and of course they cut nearly all of her scenes from the movie.

    I also fucking hate this Quicksilver. Age of Ultron's was so much better. This one looks like he stole his wig from Hot Topic.

    Your review is 100000000 times better than the film itself.

    1. LMAO!!!! Quicksilver is the worst!

      But I suddenly feel like the only person who liked this. Maybe I'm not remembering it right. Maybe I hated it and I'm just remembering it fonder because I don't remember it much at all. That must be it.

      Time to click the button above.

    2. I think, like any time travel movie trying to be serious, this one is totally convoluted. Or, I'm just really, really stupid.

      Hahahaha...Rogue! I think she got two more seconds of screen time than I did.

      Whoa. While this Quicksilver looks (and sounds) like an a-hole, his scene was the best part of this one. I don't care what you f--kers say.

      And Fisti, I think most people liked this one. When I started telling tangible people my dislike, they were like, 'no way, it's really good'.


  3. They should've laid the X-Men franchise to rest by now. It started out great, but...

    1. While I'm pretty much in full agreement with you, I'm starting to think that maybe they weren't as good as I remember in the first place. They have this very low-budge feel to them, which takes away from the spectacle, at least for me.

      But back in the day? I loved them. At least the first two.

  4. I barely made it through this one. McAvoy's acting was impressive considering everything around him minus some good stuff here and there was painfully mediocre

    1. I was so uninterested, I didn't even notice if anybody really delivered performance-wise. McAvoy's pretty much always good, as are Stewart and Jackman. I don't think Fassbender gave a f--k one way or the other. Not that I blame him.