Friday, February 3, 2017

It's gonna take two flushes!

Sometimes, if the stars align (if it's Tuesday and I've got coverage for the wee ones), I just have to go. Regardless.
I wish I could come up with a clever name, or at least something not stupid, but when I know the film I'm about to see is a dog, I take solace in the fact that no matter what happens in the next two hours, three things will make it all worthwhile: previews, popcorn and...peace.
Maybe I could call it Triple P.
Nah, that sounds f--king stupid.
Just breathe in all that awesome.
While Triple X, (or XXX, I suppose) may not exactly sound f--king stupid, it more or less is f--king stupid. Gloriously so, in fact. xXx: Return of Xander Cage, the third film in a trilogy that no one ever asked for, cranks the moronic action to eleven. It not only rips the knob off, but takes a Mountain Dew flavored piss all over it, too. Take off your (sleeveles) shirt, grab your balls, check your brain at the door cause it's raining satellites, motherf--ker.
Wait, what?
Yeah, apparently some sort of doomsday device known as Pandora's Box is in the dreaded WRONG HANDS, allowing its owner the impossibly stupid power of raining down fiery death by, you guessed it, crashing satellites into them. While maybe shooting that person in the face instead would be way less EXTREME!, someone walking planet Earth decided that flaming garbage from outerspace was a better option. Oh.
And while the government and its infinite resources should probably be able to track down the aforementioned device (which looks like a case for the most futuristic dildo ever) without using a tattooed freak pushing fifty, they instead happily recruit the long-lost legend known as Xander Cage, aka xXx. When this dude isn't barreling through the Brazillian rainforest on a dirtbike, unnecessarily backflipping the entire way, apparently he's a badass super-agent. But, get this. He plays by his own set of rules, motherf--ker. And rule number one? There are no rules. 
Except his. And he doesn't have any.
Look, just about every minute of this movie is somehow stupider than the one preceeding it, but it really feels like everybody involved is in on the joke. I barely remember the original, never bothered with the sequel, and basically backpedaled into this third go-round, but somehow, I still didn't leave the theater disappointed. I mean, if you willingly order a shit sandwich and the waiter brings you, you know, an extra steamy shit sandwich, how mad can you be?
Just once. One time. I want to stand back-to-back with someone while dual-wielding.
It doesn't even have to be guns, either.
You and me? Shit. We could do it with four tacos and it would still be badass.
Speaking of things that you might have to begrudgingly choke down, here are the Yays and Boos. They just wanted you to know this was the only logistically-possible movie other than Resident Evil 17. And honestly, we would have went to that instead...but we haven't seen part 16. Yet.
Sorry, everyone. Party's over.
Someone hasn't done a backflip on a dirt bike...*checks watch* at least five minutes.
  • Knowing nothing about this one, I will admit to the beginnings of a full-on nerd boner when I saw two names flash upon the screen: Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa. 
  • Speaking of handsome men from another country, footballer Neymar, Jr. shows up. Initially, this was a Boo, but then he soccer-kicked a metal napkin holder into a guys face, and then he, too joined the boner parade.
  • Clearly, I know my way around poorly chosen words and phrases. So let me be very clear with you: the dialogue in this movie reaches a genius-level of utter f--king stupidity. 
    • Exhibit A: I'm worried that you might get dead.
  • Our boy Vin, er, Xander, drops in off the tallest cell-phone tower in the world...on skis. Into the jungle. Cause, you know, that's a thing that people do. But what makes it so much better/infinitely worse? There are two ski poles stuck in the ground, just waiting for him. IN THE JUNGLE. 
  • There's a point, very early on, that you kind of realize, yes, this is the best worst movie ever. And then one tear quietly slides down your cheek, because you know, at that exact moment, after all those years of watching movies, you've reached the top of Bad Movie Mountain. And there's so many people to thank/punch in the dick.
  • I don't know who Ruby Rose is, but while playing badass sniper Adele Wolff, I think I fell in love with her. You have to see the thing she does in the palm tree. You just have to. Do you remember that thing Pink did at the Grammy's the one year? When she's flying around on sexy drapes? It's like that. But worse.
  • F--k all you guys, but Exo gloves, however retarded, are also cool as shit.
  • So, remember I said Tony Jaa shows up? While it's not quite this [this best fifteen minutes of your life]), he does give somebody a flying double-knee to the head, easily worth $2.25 of the $5.70 cents I paid (and yes, on Tuesday's it's five dollars and seventy cents to go to the movies).
  • A guy on a dirt bike? That shit's old hat. A guy on a dirt bike doing a backflip? Eh, I've seen that before. A guy on a dirt bike backflipping into some other guy's face? *eats popcorn, nods* A guy on a dirt bike who after backflipping into some guy's face, then takes said dirt bike and transforms it into a dirt bike that can drive on top of the ocean and then chases a guy through a massive barrel? *removes clothes like Tim Robbins escaping Shawshank*
  • Fighting on top of a giant highway? Might as well jump off of it. Because, obviously, down below? A tractor trailer will be lumbering by, totally affording you a place to land and look cool. [this happens twice in three seconds]
  • Bad Henchmen in a narrow stairwell: "Fish in a barrel." Number of 'fish' Bad Henchmen shoots? Zero!
  • A thermal scope on a sniper rifle could be the death of many a bad guy. Good thing our main dude has heaters everywhere! (no seriously, that's f--king rad)
  • No shit, Donnie Yen knows where the fountain of youth is (this dude is 53!).
  • Cube, man. Cuuuuuube. I haven't been this happy since the last time I heard Steady Mobbin'.
  • And finally, let my quietly put my hands together for Dominic Toretto himself, Vin Diesel. For whatever reason, Vin has abandoned every franchise he's ever been in, only to eventually return...triumphantly? I don't know what it is about this dude, but even if he's pretty much in all the dumbest movies ever (except Boiler Room, 'cause that f--ker is awesome), I still have a soft spot for that massive bald head and sandpaper voice. 
Put your hands up if you're a useless dick.
  • You remember how I told you that the opening credits got me all hot and bothered? Well, they did, until I saw Toni Collette flash up on the screen. Say it ain't so, Ms. Collette! You're better than this, right? Right?
  • xXx, a top-secret agent, has a skateboard. With his f--king name on it. That's like James Bond having SCRTAGNT as his license plate. Or Jason Bourne, uh...well...having his mom write his name on the tags of his clothes (sorry...I've got nothing).
  • Xander has just skateboarded down a road at 900 miles an hour. Skied down a f--king mountain of trees and done seventeen unnecessary tricks along the way. Totally extreme, right? Right. Then why is he having regular sex with his (coughunderagecough) girlfriend? Shouldn't somebody be doing a handstand or something? The f--k is this?
  • Oh, and when Xander needs his Sexy Hacker Friend to help him? Guess what he has to do for her first? F--k nine twenty year-old models. Uh, I'm not joking.
  • Becky, the plucky support agent, looks like every chick you've ever seen at the start of a porno where people have sex in an office. Not that I've ever seen anything like that...this morning.
  • NFL great Tony Gonzalez. Appeared in the Super Bowl? No. Appeared in the third xXx movie? Yes. 
  • Xander assembles his squad, and most of them are pretty stupid (not Wolff though, love her). But this one dude, Tall Asian Guy? His specialty? The reason he's on an elite squad sent to save the world? He can start a party. And worse, WORSE?!! The one time he uses his superpower? HE'S AT A F--KING PARTY!
  • And that party? Totally ripped from the party in the second Matrix, except above ground. And terrible.
  • They play Hot Potato. With hand grenades. And somehow, this is dumber than it sounds.
  • I'm actually okay with riding dirt bikes in the jungle. Totally extreme, bra. But doing so without being accompanied by super-smart velociraptors? Only moderately extreme, bra.
  • Vin takes off his tank-top after a high speed chase, because, and I'm guessing here, as extreme as he is, he doesn't like when shirts cling to his tummy.
  • Bad Guy's master plan looks like this: There are 30,000 satellites orbiting the Earth. And if his demands aren't met, he's going to crash one into our planet every twenty-four hours. Uh, my math might be spotty, but that means this f--ker's willing to put 82 years into this, or else!
  • I want to talk to the editor of this movie. See, we are able to hear and see all the terrible conversations between the characters, but when they decide to fight each other (aka, Why This Film Exists), then it's a seizure-inducing spectacle of indecipherable muckety-muck.
  • At one point, someone is told to dial 9 if they're in trouble. I just checked my Call History: 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.
  • Xander is a giant bald guy with a massive f--king head. You've gone rouge and need him dead. You know where you should shoot him? The stomach.
  • Nerdy Porno Chick? She totally Jar Jar Binks like, seventeen dudes. Mesa tinks dis sucks many dicks to da max.
  • Um, the climax takes place on a crashing plane. Which apparently, reached peak altitude somewhere near Mars.
  • Samuel L. Jackson, playing the head recruiter for the xXx program, loses an eye along the way. But does he get an eye-patch? No. He gets regular glasses...with what looks to be one transition lens. Man...f--k S.H.I.E.L.D and their shitty vision plan.
  • And finally, while I had a good time and everything, this is movie is so, so bad. I know there's a place for throwaway action flicks, sure, but it seems like a Hell of a lot of money to not say anything, you know?
Previews, popcorn and peace. Unfortunately, I had to give up one of these to get the other (the f--king concessions line was, like this post, entirely too long), but I guess two out of three ain't bad.

If only the same could be said about this trilogy, 


  1. I can't with this franchise it's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen, and this one clearly isn't any different. I like dumb fun though, sometimes. I watched Gods of Egypt purely to snark. Maybe I'll do that with this too if it shows up on HBO sometime.

    Great review!

    1. Thanks!

      It is certainly dumb, and depending on your mood, possibly (kind of) fun, too. I'm not really a fan of any of Diesel's franchise (I thought the first Pitch Black was kind of cool though), but this XXX nonsense has to be the worst of them. HBO seems about right...assuming nothing else is on, and you can't move because your legs have been violently broken from water-skiing through a jungle.

  2. I can't say I'm going to rush out to see this, but it sounds like so much fun! Fun to err, make fun of at least!
    By the way, I've nominated you for a Sunshine Blogger Award!

    1. I don't think any effort should ever be put into watching this movie. I think opening the case to the eventual DVD may asking too much.

      Thanks for the nomination! I have done that one before, but I wouldn't mind doing it again. Very sweet of you to think of this dump!

  3. I. Spent. Money. To. See. This....... I regret that decision. I think I had a brain fart or something.

    1. You and me both, but unfortunately for me, I think my brain was fully functional.

      Did you like all? I eventually gave in and said 'f--k it' and had a decent time with this giant turd.

  4. Although I have a grudging respect for a movie that "cranks the moronic action up to eleven," I'll pass on this one. :-)

    1. Solid move, Steph. Solid move.

      But if you're ever feeling down...this might be a huge pick-me-up. Though as smart as the movie made me feel, I'm an idiot for actually watching it.

      Great. Now I feel bad.