Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I'm all in on this.

The New Guy is always the Best Guy. Unless he isn't. Sometimes the Best Guy is the actually the Original Guy, even if he wasn't that good. But he was. At least he was back then.

See, that's the thing: no matter what, you can't mess with the Original, because he did it first. New Guy? Shoot. You're only the New Guy till the Next Guy. And sometimes, well, the Next Guy is the Best Guy.

Until he's not New anymore.

Then he just becomes That Guy.

I'm just curious if we'll ever get to the Last Guy.

My son has been waiting for this movie for months.
Me? It was pumped, too. But now it's time for the Apes.
Spider-Man: Homecoming is a really good time at the movies. It's fast-paced, fun and totally entertaining. I had a good time watching it with my kid. But let's be honest with ourselves, we've been down this road before. We've seen this story. A lot. We know these characters. Well. So when it comes to the excitement surrounding this flick, as a very wise man once said, Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.

This latest attempt, from director Jon Watts, likely whips out the last possible (not-stupid) innovation for the story of Peter Parker, and rubs it deliciously in the face of everyone who loves the MCU. Here, Peter's young. Like, young-young. And it's the absolute perfect way to play it.

With Tom Holland absolutely kicking ass as both the kid and the hero, Spidey has gone from whatever the Hell he was with Tobey and Garfield, to a young dude that we simply like. Holland's Parker (and his Spidey, frankly) is so stoked to be potentially an Avenger, he's literally bouncing all over the damn place. And I know it's cliche as Hell, but his enthusiastic is damn near contagious. He doesn't have to ride his skateboard like a giant douche, or dance down the street like an asshole to impress us. Instead, he just tries to do the right thing again and again, even if he keeps screwing up.

And this time, it's not really us (or a girl) he's trying to impress.

It's Tony Stark.

All you really need to know about the movie, you already know about the movie (those damn rad-as-f-k trailers showed all the good action bits), and the one thing you don't need to know about the movie, might just be the best part of the movie. As I said, I liked it a lot. Especially the parts without Spider-Man. 

Maybe all the passengers could run to the middle and help him the f--k out.
It might be short-sighted, but Holland is easily my favorite web-slinger ever (uh, I only saw the first Garfield one...so, yeah...That Guy), and I'm more than pumped to see him do his thing further down the rabbit hole of the MCU. But they better hurry, you know? The Young Guy can only be fifteen for so long. Especially when he's twenty-one.

Speaking of things that appear much younger than they actually are, here are the Yays and Boos. They've only been on this site for a couple of years. But their jokes? Much older.

Aunt May is supposed to help me find my pants.
Not be the reason I have to change them.
  • That new orchestral take on the old Spider-Man theme song was all kinds of tasty. 
  • Peter Parker needs to direct more films. No, seriously. I love his work. It's so...inspirational.
  • She's a very hot Italian woman. Indeed, Deli Man. Indeed.
  • I don't know how many more Stan Lee cameos were gonna get, but this one was pretty friggin' cool.
  • Again, heavily featured in the trailers, but I loved (like, more than I should) how small-time this version of Spider-Man was. Like, he gives an old lady directions.
  • Okay, those Cap PSAs were the best. But even better, the gym teacher's barely there enthusiasm for showing them (Buress rules so hard).
  • Come to think of it, most of the school stuff is hilarious. Those damn morning announcement kids were too awesome. And the shop-teacher? Sorry, Spidey. That guy might be my hero.
  • Ferris homage? Yes, please.
  • Man, you young people don't know what you're missing. You might think this Bokeem Woodbine guy is alright. But, mannnn...go check out Dead Presidents. This dude's been a stud forever.
  • Stark and Jarvis are lame. Peter and Suit-Lady/Karen? They might be the best couple in the MCU. He's so polite to her! And she's so supportive! Aw, dang it...now I've got something in my eye.
  • My son and I looked at each other and exchanged a telepathic hi-five when Peter threw that web grenade. Hell, he's still talking about that thing...
  • Hahahaha...that voice-changing feature was pretty funny. I mean, maybe for you. My voice is always that deep and intimidating. If I've just woken up. And you're two.
  • We've gone far too long with out talking about Ned. Man, this dude is like the ultimate best friend. He's got your back. He's helping you out with the ladies. He's (mostly) keeping your secret. Shit, he's not even hitting on your hot Aunt. And even more clutch? He's got the LEGO Death Star! When's this guy get his own show on ABC (that will run for one year and fade into obscurity forever).
  • I'm not sure what was better, the last line...or the credits that interrupted it.
  • The stinger actually infuriated half the weirdos remaining in the theater, but not me. I loved it.
  • And finally, the ULTIMATE YAY, that huge twist! I know, I know...you savvy types saw it coming. But me? And my son? We were floored. And it made the next five to ten minutes unbelievably tense. Most of us guys have never faced a supervillian. But we've all faced That Guy.
Everybody in this school is a nerd/Academic Decathalete.
Even Peter. And Ned. And the Hot Chick.
And the Bully. And the Loner. 
  • Let me get this straight, that's why the Vulture becomes a supervillain? Really? I accidentally spilled Capri Sun on my shirt today. Using this line of thinking, I should probably blow up an island.
  • Penis Parker. Really, Flash? Really? I'm pretty sure you're the last guy that should be talking about dicks, asshole.
  • You remember that time in high school where you blew everyone off because you were obsessed with something and thought it was the only thing that mattered? Yeah, me too.
  • I get it, man. Saving the world...totally important. But, dude. So was that party.
  • I'm pretty cool about losing kids on field trips (shut it, they've all made it back...I think), but uh, I ain't got shit on their coach. Not at all. This dude is super chill. Like, arrestable-chill, you know?
  • Anybody else think they were going for that upside-down kiss? Cause I would have bet my house they were going to go for it after the whole elevator thing. 
  • They have to YouTube how to tie a tie. Hahaha...so have I. 
  • Now it didn't bother me in Wonder Woman [review], but the final battle here felt way too long and explosion-y. No joke, I think I actually stopped paying attention, I was so unconcerned with it all.
  • And finally, I don't really know how my son made it out of Batman v Superman [review] alive, but he was pretty shook up seeing Spider-Man in actual peril, yelling for help. Like, hours later he tells me, very carefully, Dad, I really didn't like seeing that. Yeah. I'm a terrible father. Why's this kid so damn sensitive? *cries* I don't know where he gets it from. *cries harder*
Outside of Civil War [review], my son hasn't seen any of the other Spider-Man movies. Well, other than stumbling upon them on cable, where they seem to air with alarming frequencyAnd until he can own a copy of Homecoming to watch over and over, I'm not really sure where to begin. Do I start with Tobey, then hit up Garfield? Or simply work my way back?

Oh, and do they make a version of Spider-Man 3 that doesn't have Topher Grace in it? Cause his version of Venom is the worst. 

Good thing we've got Tom Hardy taking a shot at Venom up next. That dude's not even New Guy, Next Guy, or Last Guy.

He's just The Man.


  1. Oww you're a good dad. It's not like you took him to see Logan. But seriously that poor kid and all of us having to sit through BvS.

    It opens here on Friday but I think I rather stare at the hole and inhale paint fumes. I just really cant with Marvel assembly line fun time anymore. Ragnarok at least looks different but after completely forgettable Doctor Strange and laughanbly devoid of stakes Civil War (scene- oh noes! Rhodey's legs! next scene - lets fix them and crack jokes!) I just really dont care enough to make an effort to go to the cinema. I will catch it on DVD. Garfield ones are imho unwatchable and McGuire ones overrated as hell.

    1. Hahahaha....maybe. He's actually scared of Logan, only because I told him about that scene where Prof. X freaks out/malfunctions. I was stabbing my hands into the walls of house, then into the heads of imaginary bad guys. He winced and waved his hands in surrender. So....maybe not actually.

      You and that damn hole.

      I'm not recommending you shit ever again, but I still would have my fingers crossed that you would find something to like here. But...then again, I like THE WORST SHIT EVER, so...who really knows.

      Doctor Strange was completely forgettable. I'll probably be mildly excited when he shows up for two seconds in Marvel Movie 9000, but that dude did not need his own flick. Damn. I'm VERY pumped up for Ragnarok though. I love THOR and Waititi is essentially my hero.

      Unwatchable!! HAhahahahaha....poor Andrew.

  2. I had a good time with this one too. I love that you pointed out the Spidey theme during the opening credits, that was great. My iPod needs that.

    Spider-Man yelling for help was pretty heavy. I'm glad they did that scene though.

    1. It's nothing crazy, but definitely a good time.

      Both credits were awesome, but I'm glad you're with me on that opening bit. And oh shit, I just found my iPod yesterday (teas a big day cleaning out my shed) and I gotta follow you and get this sumbitch.

      I actually had to have a little talk with my son about this scene, and I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. That scene was VERY important.

  3. Yes!! What was it about that scene when Spidey was trapped? I felt awful, like I couldn't breathe. Kudos to Marvel for that one.
    THAT TWIST! I feel like I should have seen it coming, but oh man it was great. The most tense car ride in history, like, ever. I was laughing under my breath to hide my terror.
    I thought I was gonna be disappointed after the trailers showed us kind of the whole movie, but it was just too much fun to be mad at!

    1. I guess for a second there, Peter became an incredibly vulnerable kid and that messed us all up. I wasn't exactly thrilled or anything, but my son was soooo worried. It rattled him.

      YES! I felt the same way! You take that moment, one of the most tense in a young man's life...and you multiply it by infinity. AND LIZ WOULDN'T STOP MAKING IT WORSE! HAhaha...it was too good.

      Glad you liked it!

  4. Lucky it's not an origin story

  5. That twist almost had me but I started to think of it and just before it happened I was like.. it's gonna happen, and then it did but damn, it still was a twist. And the way it was handled, I think it deserves a slow clap named "yaas" for it.. I loved it.
    There are so many other things that I loved about it but overall, man, was it me, or did the pace really not feel as fast as I expected `? Maybe it was the late hour or maybe I'm just getting too old for after nine cinema trips, but I wanted it to be a little bit shorter.

    PS: Also my favourite Spidey by far!

    1. Would you like to see Spider-Man team up with Black Panther?

    2. Hahahaha....you're smarter than I am. Easily. I was stoked during that scene, but I was totally blindsided.

      I thought it started fast but then somewhat dragged toward the end. I'm with you in thinking it was late...and I saw it a little bit after lunch. So, yeah...I'm basically a decrepit old man at this point.

      PS: ME TOO/ He's so...adorable.

    3. Uh, I'm not sure who that last question is for...but put me down for 'WHY NOT?'