Friday, July 21, 2017

King Kong is dead.

When the end of humanity is finally upon us, I hope there is a moment before the impending carnage, where we all take a second or two to realize how, more often than not, conflict can generally be avoided. Things don't have to end in battles or wars, but instead can end in conversation, compromise and ultimately, peace. Share a Coke and a smile, for f--k's sake.

Yes friends, peace is entirely possible, if people weren't such stupid f--king bastards, Hell-bent on ruining shit for the rest of us. Sometimes, it's a collective that destroys everything, like a political party, or a nefarious corporation damning us all in the name of profits and shareholders. Other times it's simply an unhappy prick, gleefully sharing his or her own personal misery with the rest of us.

That said, when the world as we know it is coming to an end, I ask you, dear reader, to tip your cap to the dickhead who started it all. You know, that blonde-headed twat, who had to ruin everything. Again. The one with the name you'll never, ever forget. The one, the only...

...Draco f--king Malfoy.

While Tom Felton has made a career out of being a no-good dipshit, the Battle for Hogwarts can't hold a magically floating candle to the War for the Planet of the Apes. Malfoy helped destroy Hogwarts, sure, but Felton's Dodge Landon (the douchey zoo-keeper from 2011's Rise of the Planet of the Apes [review!]) helped destroy the f--king planet. And unfortunately, he wasn't the only one.

Continuing the trend of awful human beings doing terrible shit, Matt Reeves latest Apes film opens with a tactical force infiltrating an Ape stronghold. Caesar, further evolved and as badass as ever (Serkis for Best Everything), manages a victory and even catches a few prisoners of war. Instead of killing them like, say, a wild animal, he instead releases them to return to wherever it is they came from, in an effort to stop all the senseless violence on both sides.

This gesture is appreciated, and the humans bid the Apes good day. 

And by that, clearly I mean they don't give a f--k, double back in the middle of the night and slaughter Caesar's sleeping family.

Wait, they did what? F--king people are the worst!

Caesar, genuinely attempts to live a good life with his family, but the humans, led by a man known only as Colonel (Woody Harrelson, doing what he does [be f--king awesome]), are determined to eliminate this perceived threat. And while it's easy to hate the humans for blindly wanting to annihilate something we've grown to love, what I've always adored most about these films, is the fact that no one's ever totally wrong. Hate and fear are real emotions, and when mixed with generous servings of survival and revenge, there are no absolutes anymore. The humans have lost everything, and you can't really blame for them acting so callous, especially when they consider the Apes the root of their demise.

I gotta real problem with these turncoat motherf--kers, you know?
You can probably take this incredible trilogy a million different ways, but ultimately the downfall of man is a direct result of our incessant need to be shitty to just about everything around us. Maybe it represents how we treat the environment, or maybe it's how we try to control what can't be controlled, or, quite possibly, it represents something as simple (and simple-minded) as xenophobia. Whatever it is (or isn't), the Apes trilogy makes a spectacular spectacle of the worst mankind has to offer.

I haven't seen the old ones, so I'm possibly speaking out of line, but these movies simply have no business being this good. Reeves and his team have created a big-budget allegory that amazingly gets better with each subsequent film. The praise may be overblown, sure, but it certainly isn't unfounded. And considering what usually happens in action-y trilogies, put me down for considering these three films nothing short of miraculous.

I did a podcast with a dude who just about hated this movie. He thought it was terrible.
But what he didn't hate (in the least)? Was this dude right here. Which is weird, because he's Bad. shitty, are the Yays and Boos. Shockingly, this blog has been around long enough that I have 'reviewed' all three of these films on Two Dollar Cinema. I'm not saying you should go back and read what I wrote, but I'll give you a link to Dawn just in case.

No lie, if I had another this point...
...there's a 50/50 chance he gets named Maurice.

  • I really liked the cool recap of the other two movies. Since I'm an idiot, it totally helped me out.
  • Man, that overhead shot of the initial raid was stunning.
  • As was the 3D in all honesty. We're were lamenting the fact that was the only show we could make, but damn dude, that shit was dope.
  • You probably can't overstate how brilliant the visual effects are. I mean, that shit is bananas. Like, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. In fact, if I worked at a zoo, I'd be updating my resume immediately.
  • Speaking of the zoo, let me give a little golf-clap for the overwhelming (though entirely appreciated) absence of ape-dick. Seeing apes in real life? That shit can scar(e) you. Forever.
  • I didn't like seeing those laser-scopes. But I also really liked seeing those laser scopes (in 3D).
  • Sometimes, it's the little things, you know? Certain quiet scenes, like where Apes are just walking around holding automatic weapons, they just made me the world is an okay place.
  • This has got to be one of the quietest summer blockbusters in the history of cinema. There's a point you realize, I'm watching a drama...full of digital monkeys...and they're using sign language...AND I LOVE IT.
  • I don't know what's better, Bad Ape (Steve Zahn, devouring the screen) himself, or his travel attire. But what I do know, is the levity and heart he brought to the film was f--king priceless. New friends, special day!
  • I've gone too far without mentioning Caesar's crew. These three(ish) friends that go with him are ridiculously inspiring. Maurice may be my favorite, but don't sleep on Luca or Rocket. I love these dudes so much. Oh, and Nova, too. Even if I'm not sure she's technically in the crew.
  • Man, as far as prison uprising scenes go, War just might contain my favorite. When the inmates quickly rally around Caesar, I almost lost my shit.
  • I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the image of Bad Ape's head sticking out of that hole. 
  • Nor will I forget monkeys throwing poop. Oh, and what was that shithead really thinking he was gonna do down there?
  • Now, between you and me, the 'war' wasn't really all that I'd hoped it to be. But what we did get, with the helicopters and such, was pretty frickin' cool. 
  • And finally, instead of just typing Serkis Rules 900 times, let me briefly reiterate how untouchable this man is as a performer. He played Caesar from a baby chimp all the way until he was a grizzled veteran of countless battles, and there wasn't one single frame where I didn't but it whole-heartedly. I know he doesn't do it alone, but it's so f--king remarkable, I think I'm gonna throw-up and die. Happily.
I wish Caesar would have went all Nic Cage, you know?
Leaned in, thrown his hands up and shouted DO IT!
  • Dude, all those Apes working with the humans angered me so much. Winter? F--k that guy, right? And Donkey? What a giant dick.
  • I don't fear you. Tough talk, a-hole.
  • I'm sorry I spoiled it up there (and didn't put a tag...oops), but I think I covered my mouth when Caesar finds out that his wife and son have been killed. Oh God, and then the little one? Shit...I almost died.
  • Look man, I know you're upset, but going up that rope in the waterfall? Not a good move, Caesar. Not a good move at all.
  • Who's this asshole guy yelling Don't shoot! Don't shoot! What the f--k, bro? Aren't any humans decent people? Well...any humans that can still talk?
  • Yo, that dream scared me. Not as much as that one guy not being dead, but still. (thank Movie God I didn't bring my son to this one, by the way).
  • Is is nit-picking if I had a problem with the fact that Caesar almost never looks at the Apes that are speaking to him...with their f--king hands? 
  • That horseback chase was kinda silly, no? I mean, did that guy steal the fastest horse or what?
  • Ugh. The Human Zoo sounds extra shitty. No thank you.
  • I know they needed to be, but for f--k's sake, the humans guarding the super important weapons depot...are the worst guards in the history of time. The guy who pretends to reconcile my cart and receipt at BJ's is about a million times more thorough and he's guarding a wholesale club, let alone humanity.
  • Hey, fictional Apes I love more than tangible humans, stop bravely sacrificing yourselves, okay?
  • I hope when our irrational leader decides to build a wall, he at least feeds the people doing it.
  • Oh, and what's with this place they're trying to protect? Why's it made entirely out of barrels full of gasoline and oily rags?
  • I wanted to hate Colonel. But I couldn't.
  • The doll. Really? That kind of made want to microwave all my daughter's Barbies when I got home. And not cause I was worried. But because I was furious.
  • He readily admitted it, but I couldn't shake my disappointment in Caesar's ultimate quest. While I accepted in human characters, I kept thinking, Caesar, you're better than this, dammit!
  • F--k you, Preacher. F--k you right in your stupid face.
  • And finally, the end. Not only the silly bit with the snow (that was kind of dumb, I'll admit), but the very, very end. That's how our boy's gonna ride off into the sunset? Really? That's the same way my wife falls asleep every night, for f--k's sake. He deserved better! (and so did we!)

My wife and I saw the first two Apes films together, and unfortunately, she wasn't able to make it to see this one theatrically. Oh, she hadn't come down with some mysterious illness or anything (where she forgot how to speak, for example), but as my mom's in Hawai'i for the month of July, we simply didn't have anyone to watch our own little chimps/Mudbloods.

Could I have done the honorable thing, and waited till we could go together, thereby completing the trilogy as one? Probably. But I'm only human, you know?

You know, like Dodge Landon. Or better yet...

...Draco f--king Malfoy.


  1. "didn't bring my son to this one".

    I legit was so glad to read that. Like at least with Logan there are jokes and a major part of my brain is more focused on coming up with...elaborate scenarios instead of being sad. This whole trilogy just looks bleak like hell with nothing to hold onto and it's not even that fictional because people are this shitty and this could easily happen in RL. I saw this documentary Project Nim once and it just infuriated me to no end. I would so totally root for monkeys watching those films.

    Dude dont microwave her dolls

    1. Man...he asked to go, and I checked out the content guide...but I couldn't do it (also, Woody holding a gun to an ape's head in the trailer was more than enough). He can learn about how terrible the world is later.

      It is bleak as Hell, but there's a level of beauty in the whole thing that's astonishing. I'm not recommending it to you, however. As the only thing I'm ever vouching for (for you) is a yet unmade movie, featuring a gigantic Australian man, walking tiny dogs in nothing but reading glasses, before he goes home and has onscreen sex with women much younger than he (but not, inappropriately younger).


      Fine, but can I put my son's fidget spinner in the over? Please?

    2. Put it in the oven. Put all of them in the oven. That thing appears to be pure evil.

      I had that trailer before Dunkirk yesterday with that shot and it was so upsetting. They also showed his dead family. I was like what the hell. Then they showed Annabelle trailer and I almost shat myself. Justice League trailer was actually relaxing even though the more I hear about this movie the more worried I am.

      I am just imagining him on my bed naked and just wearying those glasses. Dammit.

    3. It's almost her birthday, so might as well start a new doll collection. *preheats oven*

      Hahaha...saw a bunch of new trailers today during Valerian...and nothing but shite. What's with Reese Witherspoon banging some 14 year old kid? And why was that trailer attached to Valerian?

      Why does this anger you? Shouldn't it be...soothing?

    4. Trailers for shite movies attached to a movie with Shitchantress and Rihanna seem like a good choice by me.

      It angers me because the only creature on my bed is Gustav and he is farting on it.


    5. Hahaha....I totally f--ked up with Valerian. My son was pretty interested...but what a dismal flick. My goodness.

      Aw, Gustav. Lighting it up in there.

  2. I'm trying to see this over the weekend. I'll be back after I do.

    1. Roger that, Dell.

      Let me know when you do!

  3. I lol'd at microwaving the dolls.

    Preacher did kind of get fucked in the face with a rocket launcher so we got some sense of justice.

    I too was devastated at Caesar losing his family. Because I'm a loser, I read the official prequel novels as well and the War one mostly follows Blue Eyes and Rocket. Cornelia has a few chapters too, so to see two of those three killed off right away just destroyed me.

    Great review!! I'm so glad you liked this.

    1. Damn that doll!

      You're right about Preacher, but it wasn't enough. That guy was quietly the biggest douche on the planet. Like...he had no (given) reason to be so unrelentingly shitty. Caesar spared his ass!

      Holy shit! I didn't even know such novels existed. You are way hardcore, Brittani. Damn!

      I loved it! Thank you!