Thursday, March 1, 2018

I expect better manners from you, Dick.

Four years ago, it was clutch neighbors. The kind that would help you in a pinch. It was ode to all the people that have supported Two Dollar Cinema over the years.

Last year, it was boobs. Because, well, boobs. Boobs never need a boobs, erp, reason.

This year, for the third (and final?) installment of The Mt. Rushmore of Movies, I've decided to go with something you would simply never expect from a highbrow site like mine. Something you'd never expect to find carved into the granite walls of a majestic mountain in South Dakota. Welcome (former?) friends, to, you guessed it, The Mt. Rushmore of Dicks.

*spits out drink* Excuse me? 

Had I gone another way, Mr. Diggler totally gets enshrined.
No, wait. Come back. Not those dicks, silly goose. Zoom out, for f--k's sake. The dicks I'm referring to are those people who seem to live their lives solely to ruin yours. You know, dicks that are total f--king assholes. You know the type. And depending on who you ask, I might be the type.

While the competition for biggest cinematic dick was rather stiff, I'm think I've narrowed this group down to four of the worst people to ever grace the silver screen. And as a bonus (/nod to last year), each selection not only represents being a dick in their own right, but each also represents a larger collective as well.

Honorable Mention: Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter series 2001 - 2011)

First of all, Malfoy, probably since the day was he born, simply looks like a dick. As a first year, he fully embraced the slicked back date-rapist haircut, and never really looked back. I don't know exactly when Eminem was huge at Hogwarts (is that GIF real?), but Lucius' son never outgrew his highly punchable face. Combine that patented sneer with heaps of pure-blood privilege, two douchey sidekicks, and some major wand envy for one Harold J. Potter, and Malfoy easily headlines the little kids that are big dicks boy band. Even worse, if you end up being a schoolmate of a prick like Malfoy, chances are he's going to making your life a f--king nightmare for all of your formative years.

But they don't carve up natural splendor for participation trophy dicks, right? Here are, in no particular order, the four biggest dicks ever. I can see that you're tired already, so why don't we take the elevator to the top. But, watch your step. We wouldn't want anyone sliding down the shaft.

Showing you their ass is yet another defining quality of a true dick.
1. Steve Stiffler (American Pie series, 1999 to 2012) You know that person you're friends with (or your husband's friends with...), but you're not sure why? That's Steve Stiffler. He's rude, possibly retarded, and always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time. However, complicating everything, sometimes, his dickheadedness manages to work in your favor, so just when you thought you were officially done with that asshole, he momentarily redeems himself. And that, shocking no one, is a total dick move. Chisel in the Stiffmeister to represent all the cockblocking dicks of the world. See Also: Randal from Clerks, Trent in Swingers and Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski.

No lie, this is the first GIF I've ever been intimidated by. Well, top two...
2. Gny. Sgt. Hartman (Full Metal Jacket, 1987) Despite having the shortest amount of screen time of all the dicks on the list, Gny. Sgt. Hartman cements his legacy by doing a lot with a little. Impossibly relentless, wickedly condescending, and unrelentingly confrontational, Hartman is a major f--king dick (possibly with a capital f--king M). He represents those guys that seem to relish in making your life a living Hell. A minute with this ornery bastard and you're not even sure who you'd want to kill more. Hartman...or yourself. Or, option C. All of the above. File Sgt. Hartman down as the alpha of all the hardass dicks in cinematic history. See Also: Alonzo Harris in Training Day, Fletcher in Whiplash, and that kid who wants his two dollars in Better Off Dead.

It can be tough to decide who you want to screw over first.
3. Percy Wetmore (The Green Mile, 1999) Ooh, boy...maybe the worst dick of all, is this sneaky little weasel dick might be well known as the others, but that's by design. Operating on the sly, some little shit like Percy, a true sadist, gets his kicks on the low. Working on Death Row, this pathetic wannabe gets to bully and harass people, who under any other circumstance, would kick the living shit out of him. Percy, in an institute full of murderers and rapists, ends up being the biggest monster of them all. And he does it in such a sneaky, cowardly way, you might find yourself cursing this f--ker out. Lucky for us, Wild Bill gets a small measure of revenge and makes this dick piss in his f--king pants. Yeah, Percy's gonna ending up paying the ultimate price, but not before locking down perhaps the center spot on the Mt. Rushmore of Dicks. Fine, there's not really a center spot. Thanks for pointing that out. Dick.

What the Hell, dude? My mom loved that lamp.
4. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th series, 1980 until the end of time) Possibly an unorthodox choice, from where I'm sitting, Jason is probably the biggest movie dick ever. You've just screwed a fellow camp counselor? He spears you through the back. Wake up from a late night romp in the woods? He smashes your sleeping bag against a tree. Oh, you look over your shoulder and you're a mile ahead of the lumbering prick? Nope. You're gonna trip and he'll be murdering your face in less than a second. And even worse, he's not even going to say something clever to remember him by like Freddy or Chucky would. He's just going to kill you as brutally and silently as a total f--king dick. Mr. Voorhees? He represents all the dicks that want to impale you. LiterallySee Also: Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, Jack Torrance in The Shining.

Thank you very much for the being the opposite of a dick, and stopping by Two Dollar Cinema. Make sure to come back tomorrow, as I'll post links to all the awesome blogs that participated in this absurd blogathon. Maybe those posts won't have so many dicks in them.

Or maybe they'll have more?


  1. At first, I was gonna protest the inclusion of Jason cuz every one of those pimply faced he killed had it coming, but damn you have a point. No problems with the rest, even though I kinda love Gny. Sgt. Hartman.

    1. Jason could be kicked out on a technicality, sure, but last year I included Meatloaf in a Mt. Rushmore of Boobs, so I felt obligated to include one curveball. And c'mon Dell, you've just shagged that counselor that you've been eyeing all summer and BOOM, Jason sticks a pitchfork in your balls.

      Dick. Move.

      I did want to make sure that no one was likable...but Hartman is f--king awesome. But if I had to deal with him? Not so much.

  2. This is even worse clickbait than Mettels last post on her old website. And u feature a movie featuring Rooster Boo to add insult to injury. Come on now.

    This was puntastic but now I am even more depressed u didnt see In The Loop because if u did Malcolm Tucker would so be here

    1. Clickbait! I love it! And, yes...I thought I'd at least tease a little of Mr. Rockwell, right? But, watch the scene again...Wild Bill is a murderous f--k, and we couldn't love him more for what he does to Percy (even if it ultimately f--ks Del even more).

      Thank you for noticing that I went full pun. I've never spent so much time thinking about that kind of stiff. Er, stuff. It was hard. Difficult. It was really difficult. Boner.

      I have to see that movie. No, check that. I WILL see that movie. I'm changing my April?

    2. LOL oh my God if you watched at least one movie i told you to watch I'd start thinking impossible is possible. What is happening in this review index, I now have to wait to see Jumanji because I don't know if it's any good until you publish your review.

  3. I mean, the other kind of dicks wouldn't have been bad either! I love this so much. I went to school with someone who acted exactly like Stifler and I never realized it until I was sitting in American Wedding with a group of friends - and him - It ruined it.

    Jason is an interesting choice, but he deserves to be there on that gif alone.

    1. No, no. They would have. I'm not sure I even want to search out dick GIFS. That could have been disastrous. And had my wife caught me? Even worse...but probably hilarious, too.

      I knew a couple of guys like Stiffler in HS. And then, because I'm old, American Pie came out...then those dudes just dialed it up to eleven. It was the worst.

      God, I love that GIF of Jason. It cracks me up so much.

  4. I opened this thinking you were talking about dicks as in assholes, then I saw the Boogie Nights gif and I was like "nope, not those dicks" and then I started reading and I was like "damn, I was right all along!" Turns out I don't the dirty mind I thought I had haha

    Anyway, these are great dicks! I watched The Green Mile all the time when I was a kid and the way I hated Percy, I never hated any other character like that.

    1. That seems like a lot of dick tricks, right? Totally my goal! Oh, and you might win my day by typing "dicks as in assholes". I might have shed a tear reading that one out loud.

      Thank you for the dick appreciation. I kinda thought that Percy would be too obscure, so I'm thrilled that you hated that bastard too.

  5. Mark Wahlberg's arms and hands must be tired by now:) Draco deserves a mountain of poo created in his image for sure. Yes, I knew someone that was/is a complete idiot and always did my best to avoid his creepy hugs. Jason is a jerk because he never warns them and he keeps walking really slowly as if he is playing with his prey. The prey deserve it though because they are just idiots

    1. Hahahaha...yeah, he looks beat.

      Draco was such a dick for such a long time, it almost commendable. But, no. Screw that. There's nothing to admire about that little shit.

      Ooohhh....creepy hug guy is the worst. I knew that guy very well in high school. *shudder* I apologize for all guys about that.

      Jason is really the worst. Killing people? Not cool. But letting them think they're gonna make it? Even worse.

  6. Got July 5th booked to see The Wiggles in concert

  7. Ooh, I think I remember being utterly mad at Percy.. I can't stand such characters at all, they irritate me and I guess that's what makes them dicks.

    Also, I want to comment your "third (and final?" little bit there and say that if you really think you can quit after three, then well, you are going against the Mt. Rushmore rules! And you should know those rules better than me, since you came up with it but.. isn't there supposed to be at least four posts aka four years worth of mountains, a year for each of the head space? ;)

    1. Percy is the worst! He's probably beyond actual dick status...but, screw it. He's making the monument.

      Welp, I can't argue with your logic. If I'm going to do this...might as well go four-for-four. Is it cool it's going to take six years to do it? Oh, and since I already did boobs and dicks...I guess we all know what I'm carving next year.