Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Laser focused with a half thought-out plan.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg,

There are a lot of stands to take these days, as the world, on a daily basis it seems, is becoming an incessant us vs. them cage match. I can't think of anything I've ever been staunchly opposed to, as I tend to roll with my good buddies, indifference and sarcasm. I'm not proud of this way of living in the least, but the things I love and the things I hate are so blatantly obvious, it would seem frivolous to make a stand one way or the other.

But if you believe in something, and it means a lot to you? Well, I support that.

As long as it's for the right reasons...

I 900% support the boycott of Sony Pictures' Peter Rabbit, but it has nothing to do with allergy bullying (I guess that's...a...thing...). The real reason parents should march against this film is because it's just short of f--king abysmal. I'd rather have a catastrophic allergic reaction induced by a small woodland creature shitting down my throat, than to ever see a single minute of this movie again.

Fine, maybe I wouldn't exactly line up for a squirrel to take a nutty dump in my face, but at least it'd make for a better story than the abomination that is Peter Rabbit. What I recall was a rather charming (if ultimately boring) series of books, has been bastardized into the most unlikable children's movie I've ever scene. And trust me, I see a ton of them.

Peter, voiced by the moderately douchey James Corden, is a total prick. Living in a picturesque little garden with his sisters Floozy, Boozy and Swampass (possibly not their names), this rat bastard harasses some codger named Old Mr. McGregor (the still [somehow] awesome Sam Neill) to f--king death. Literally. Cue McGregor's f--kwit nephew, Thomas (a severely demoted General Hux), fresh off getting shit-canned for being an asshole, to move to the country and into the old man's house. Thomas hates the rabbits, the rabbits hate Thomas, and me, well, I f--king hate everybody.


Rose Byrne shows up, thankya Jesus, and becomes the object of affection for both Peter and Thomas. And yes, that's as weird as it sounds, a bunny and dickhead fighting over some dame, but being that Byrne is essentially an angel that cascaded down from heaven on a rope ladder made of unicorn tails (sorry, I blacked out there for a second...), it at the very least makes sense. But nothing else does, as the entire runtime is comprised of joyless, vile little a-holes, constantly one-upping each other in a race to the bottom. It's mean-spirited, soulless, and lacks even the most basic tenets of decency. Basically, it's the direct opposite of the Paddington movies.

And with that record-scratching, mic-drop of a oh no he didn't level dis, let's hop on down the bunny trail with the Yays and Boos. And while we're here, can you hold these oily rags? These damn matches keep blowing out...

Aw, they look so soft. You just want to snuggle up with them.
If only those bunnies weren't in the way...

  • I had totally forgotten that Rose Byrne was in this film, you know? I had just sort of settled into my misery, locked in that f--k this look I'm so fond of....and then? Then...it all went away. Momentarily.
  • There's a tight rope bit that's not terrible.
  • Sad as it is to say, I was a fan of the wet willy maneuver, even if the mere thought of giving and/or receiving one makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
  • Cab Driver Lady is almost funny. Like, pretty close in fact.
  • And finally, even though I clearly wasn't a fan of Peter and his crew (and perhaps a rotten bastard myself), there's one stupid character that actually kind of cracked me up. Not so much during the movie, but afterward...if that makes sense. Actually, it's my daughter who is making me laugh, every time she impersonates the deer that always stares blankly and says headlightsssssssssssssssss. I'm actually laughing as I type this, because my daughter does the voice so well. You should stop by and ask her to do it. In fact, you can hang with her for like, two, maybe even three hours. Just long enough so I can see something better, okay? 
This looks like something you'd describe to a police sketch artist.
  • You know how I always complain about kids' movies featuring dead parents? This might be a record. As far as I remember, the dearly departed were just dead. Not cooked and eaten.
  • And when the old man dies his horrible on-screen death? The animals throw a f--king party on his corpse. Okay, fine. I may have made up the last three words of that sentence, sorry about that. (I also made up the last three of that one, too)
  • Hey, Thomas, your uncle is dead. Yeah, great. Did I get the promotion?
  • One of the rabbits is obsessed with breaking all her own ribs. Funny? Not in the least. Weird? Very.
  • Oh, and speaking on unfunny animals, there's a running gag featuring a rooster that is so bad, I'm actually not sure it even happened. Like, I know it did, but it would be best for humanity if we all just pretended it didn't. I'm pretty sure if you laugh at one of these bits, your room in Hell only overlooks the parking lot.
  • The electric fence bit? Atrocious. Same with the elaborate dance number that followed it. 
  • The moment that had angry parents up in arms, comes when Peter basically attempts to murder Thomas by launching blackberries into his mouth (we've been told he's deathly allergic to them). I think a boycott is pretty f--king silly, but holy shit, who the f--k thought that that would be remotely funny? Why not sell Tide Pods with Peter's face on them while we're at it?
  • Remember the air-bag gag from Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising [review]? Well, they pretty much stole it here, with some brutally violent results. I was all for it in a rated R comedy. But in a flick about a talking bunny wabbit aimed at kids? Not so much.
  • And finally, Peter Rabbit has to be the most unlikable star of a movie in years. Seriously. Think of a character in a movie you absolutely hated. Like, they annoyed you to the point where you wanted to leave the theater, or take your laptop and throw it directly into someone's smug face. You got one? Good. Now shrink that character down. Cover him in fur. And now have him voiced by James Corden. 

Luckily, it looks like Peter Rabbit isn't going to be a hit by any stretch, which means we are all likely to be spared a sequel. Holy shit, could you imagine? Like, they'd have to ramp up the hilarity to an unholy level just to keep up. In this first flick, Peter tries to jam one carrot into the ass of an elderly man. But in the sequel...

*shudder* He'd probably stick his whole head in there.

Which I'm very much opposed to, by the way. Unless it's for the right reasons...


  1. THANK YOU. Peter Rabbit was an asshole. I wanted Thomas to skin him alive. And those people bitching about allergies clearly didn't watch the movie and only heard about it because if they had, isn't bitching about someone waking up and getting their wrists caught in bear traps almost worse?

    Fuck this movie.

    1. What the fuck kind of snuff films u guys take ur kids to

    2. You're welcome! Peter is an asshole, and I wished the worst for him at all times. But, I didn't root any harder for Thomas. I wanted that prick to get hit by a bus. You know, leaving Bea all by herself....

      I agree they didn't see it, but I totally understand why. If only I had some f--king principles, maybe I could be so lucky.

      Right in its ass.

    3. Sati...I don't even know what to say. My excuse is that I'm a terrible person/parent. I'm assuming Brittani just made a mistake.

    4. This isn't even in your top 3 worst offenses.

      1. Seeing 2 Sam Rockwell movies in 7 years
      2. Losing Frost/Nixon Blu Ray
      3. Liking Baby Driver

  2. So what you are trying to say is skip this and watch how to make Haffenpfeffer.