Because everyone is lying.

With both my kids playing youth sports, it should surprise no one that, as a family, we frequently find ourselves wandering the aisles of Dick's. And yes, that is the unfortunate name of the largest sporting goods store in our area. Nine times out of ten, the kids and I end up in the hunting section, and ten times out of ten you'd find us collectively wearing permanent WTF faces. Camouflaged everything is bad enough, but hides? Deer calls? Frickin' treats!?? All of this seems like a way unfair advantage, and honestly, the ultimate dick move.

But then again, outside of a bargain, I don't hunt shit. I'm not a f--king hillbilly redneck. *scoffs*

Lift your plates a-holes, as The Hunt, seemingly released a decade and a half ago in the shit-soaked darkness known as 2020, fully turns the tables on the ol' murderous prey for play genre. But this time, it's the right-wing red-staters who are running from the liberal elites. Wait, what?

It's true, but not because of a freedom-crushing infringement on their lives, with like, a mask mandate or a children's book by an African American author, no. Instead these likely card-carrying Trump fans are ducking and covering from high-powered rifles, landmines and a general sense of absolute f--king chaos. I'm not sure why the game turns out to be so crudely elaborate, but I'm nine-hundred percent positive I had a good time watching it. When I wasn't looking away.

Honestly, The Hunt is a lot like other flicks in this weird sub-genre, as rich people hunting for sport is, sing it with me, a tale as old as time. It's bloody, it's over-the-top, and of course, wickedly subversive. I'm thinking The Deadliest Game and Ready or Not, with a dash of Battle Royale and The Hunger Games for good measure. And like with any (and all, if we're honest) of those movies, with the selection of the participants? Well, Someone done f--ked up. But it's not Ben Richards or the lady survivalist from You're Next [review] that the hunters should be nervous about, no - it's first ballot random movie Hall of Famer, Betty Gilpin. Believe the hype, as she's an absolute champ in this motherf--ker, start to finish.

Every time I see Ike I think of Jimmy from Neighbors and the world gets immediately better.

What I can't start, or finish, is anything in a timely manner, so we're going to go ahead and jump right into the Yays and Boos. After a long hiatus of not watching movies over the summer, I gave this one a go one night....in late August/early September. wrote the above the next morning...and haven't thought of it since. So, like a rich guy watching poor people die for sport, let's, uh...see what we've got here.

Careful, Crystal.
That's the Next Karate Kid you're about to f--k with.

Yaaaaaaaaay!

• Whoa, the handsome dude from This is Us is in this? *blinks* Well, he was.
• Ooh, Emma Roberts, to---- ooh, about that.
• Honestly, the opening is the right level of batshit insanity. I'm getting tucked in all tight, and all Hell has already broken loose. The spiked pit was appreciated, but landmines? *chef's kiss*
• F--king Arkansas.
• The hosts of this, um, endeavor, are the absolute worst of the super-left, and I'm totally here for lampooning those f--kers, too.
• Oh shit, is that Ethan Suplee? Hope he finally saw that schooner, er, sailboat.
• A grenade in the pants? Yikes.
• Now, do I have to keep listening to Beethoven, or can we f--king get on with it?
• And finally, that final fight was incredible. Maybe I'm looking back with rose-colored glasses, but it's almost as good as Black Mamba v. Copperhead. Wait. Scratch that. I just re-watched that scene in Kill Bill Vol. 1.This shit isn't at tense, but it also isn't over in three seconds. (I totally remembered a little more back in forth being in the equation, rather than just cereal + coffee cup + knife = game over)

Do you think the yellow is a nod to The Bride?

Boooooo!

• Okay, that was the least convincing plane in the history of cinema. Damn you, budget constraints, damn you.
• Look, I'm sure being stabbed in the eye sucks regardless, but with a high heel shoe? F--k me. Who knows where that's been?
• Also sucking, would be (a) waking up gagged. (b) In the middle of a field. (c) Where there's a supply crate full of weapons.
• Some of the early losses were shocking, but totally appreciated in their jarring nature. One of the not-as-early losses? Major buzzkill. Would've like more time with that person.
• I don't exactly remember what I noted as 'gun pinch', but it doesn't sound all that savory, does it?
• And finally, you may remember that this movie was delayed due to a pair of mass shootings in the fall of 2019. Which makes sense, sure, but in this country, if you stopped doing something due to gun violence, you'd be a revolutionary. We can decry a film all day, I mean, that's way easier than dealing with the actual problem. Anyhow, Universal then decided to kick it to theaters in the middle of March 2020, and we all know how that turned out. This flick got a week in the theaters and they released it digitally, a small step in the utter upheaval of the motion picture industry. Honesty. So much f--king Boo right here, I'm gonna go ahead and call it before I jump off a bridge or something...

Speaking of the world being f--ked, I live in Pennsylvania. On purpose, too (f--k me). It's described as very blue on the edges and the deepest red you've ever seen everywhere else (I think it's known as Pennsyltucky or some shit). We've actually got f--king Dr. Oz running for the senate, and I'm convinced that as a lying, TV dickbag, he's gonna win in a f--king landslide. All his commercials are a conservatives wet dream. We don't need government involved in our daily lives. People are smart. They'll do what's best for their families.

Cool, cool, cool. We've just had our highest COVID day ever. Again. For the third day in a row.

Taking a shot a deer eating a tasty treat from a mile away is cool, sure, but getting a shot in a hospital clearly is not. 

F--king Dicks.