Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Obviously, I got second pick.

This is my six hundred and fifty second post.

For over half a decade, I have reviewed every single film I've have seen. Sometimes, I can start writing about a movie without the slightest bit of hesitation (it helps when my definition of 'writing' is mostly coherent horseshit, with commas!). But occasionally, I get stuck. Very stuck.

It gets so bad that I don't even open my laptop to do non blog-related things, simply because I'm consumed by this invisible demon breathing down my neck. I thought hobbies were supposed to be fun.

They are, but how can you create something when you've got absolutely nothing to say? 

Oh, right.

Just add Minions.

In full-disclosure, I think I wanted to, but yes, I hated Despicable Me 3. Had I not been flanked by in-laws (yeah, you read that right -one on each side), I'm quite positive I would have fallen into a deep, deep slumber. 

And if I had, and been rudely awoken to find out that I had not only been loudly snoring, but for the first time in my life, had actually shit my pants publicly, I still think I would have left the theater in a better mood than I did. At least in this imagined scenario, my shit was fresh. Because what was on screen, was anything but.

Four-ish movies in, and we're already at the desperate point where Gru has recently discovered that he has a long-lost twin brother. And if that's not dick-crushingly bad enough, his twin brother's name is Dru, and he's a stupid asshole.

While Gru and Dru are essentially having an epic tickle fight no cares about, Gru's (once?) adorable little daughter Agnes is chasing a mythological unicorn in the forest. Yep. Enjoy that. 

In fact, things are so bad even the Minions have bailed! These little ubiquitous yellow bastards have somehow ended up in prison, where if there truly was a Movie God, they'd collectively drop the soap, and wake up the next day feeling like everyone (over the age of 9) who put money on the counter for Despicable Me 3. 

So, what you're saying, Blogger Guy, is that there's no way in Hell I should ever, ever, see this abomination, right? Like, even at gunpoint, take the bullet, right?


They just saw the box office numbers, and realized, they'll live forever.
I would say that, totally, if there weren't one singular redeeming quality known as Trey f'n Parker. I don't know if Parker's villanous Balthazar Bratt was where they busted all their creative nuts, but whatever few minutes this guy appears on screen, well, those are the best minutes.

Speaking of precious time, why don't we save yours and mine (aww, we're sharing) and get right to the Yays and Boos. Being surrounded by adults that know me, my notes turned out extra illegible (fellow nerdy bloggers [with bad memories], you might know what I'm saying) this go round, so we're gonna keep this like a Minion, short and awful.

If he gets his own movie, I will be there.

  • Gru got stuck with his awful mom, right? But his dad, well, his Pops picked Dru. And then died of disappointment. (this makes perfect sense)
  • The scene is nonsensical, but Dad's car is all kinds of cool.
  • Lucy goes all Mama Bear at one point and totally annihilates the unsuspecting patrons at a local bar. It didn't last long enough, sure, but any time innocent people are being kicked in the face...well, that's a Yay.
  • Even if I was rooting for him to die, there's a scene where Dru is choking on gum that's pretty inspired.  
  • And finally, even if he looks like he'd be anything but, let me put my sweaty hands together for the all-encompassing awesomeness of Balthazar Bratt (as voiced by Trey Parker). Bratt is a forgotten child star from the 80s, and damn near everything about him is so impossibly rad (well, except for the bald that's a little too close to home, dammit). But let's keep this about the good things, shall we?
    • Bratt's a big fan of dance fighting. And the music and moves that come with it are nothing short of stellar.
    • You know how Trey Parker loves doing those weirdly fantastic Michael Jackson sounds as Mr. Jefferson in South Park? He somehow got to make more of them, a lot more of them, here. Jamone!
    • He's also a going to build a giant robot at the end. It's incredible. Almost as incredible as his shoulder pads and flat-top/mullet combo. Almost.

This is how they should look at you...
...when you ask to buy tickets for Despicable Me 3.

  • My father-in-law, who's 71 and a great man (and sat to my immediate right), absolutely adored this movie. Like, tears of laughter and everything.
  • Jenny Slate takes over as the head of the Anti-Villain League. While she's obviously got the magic touch when it comes to her Hollywood Wiener Collection, her voice acting in this film isn't nearly as astonishing. 
  • I'm sorry, but I think every time characters have a cheesy luau and sing made-up songs, they are inadvertently pissing all over Hawaiian culture. 
  • Mel is the new Minion we're supposed to care about. To paraphrase @ramblingfilm (and her thought's about a certain green ogre), f--k Mel.
  • It's not that there's a lack of gags, it's just that all of them are basically terrible.
  • You know that sound a cartoon character makes when something surprises them? That over-exaggerated gasping, Whaaaaaa???? sound? Dru makes it. Homer Simpson makes it. It's also the sound of creativity dying.
  • Man, I hate Dru's mom. She has been a terrible character since the second she appeared on screen in the original. Here, she maintains the suck factor.
  • We have to land the plane! But there's too many pigs on the runway! If only I could have choked and died on a BLT at that very moment.
  • That Nico kid (and his mom) was the worst. A little too rape-y for my tastes, you know? 
  • Everything about the Minions in this movie makes me want to kill something small and yellow. The weird dance off with the pink toilet paper being motivating factor #1. Everything else tying for #2.
  • And finally, as boring and uninspired as this whole affair was, I did learn something new. As we were shuffling seats, I ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law (the kids and their grandmother were two rows down from us), and immediately she's peering over the seats in front, scanning the room. I look at her like, uh, what are you doing? She informs me, she's looking for creepy guys and their proximity to her daughter. I kind of shake my head in equal parts acknowledgement and disbelief, as two things pop into my head:
    • One, is this something that people routinely do, scan the theater for perverts?
    • Two, how many times have I been identified?
Look, sometimes I totally run out of ideas and come up with some way random shit to get something on paper, meaning I don't necessarily blame anyone involved with Despicable Me 3. Sometimes my only idea is to comment on their lack of ideas, which I realize it totally cheap. 

But I'm over 600 entries in, you know? They're on four (don't forget about the shit-tastic Minions [review]). Four! How are you out of ideas after four films?

The numbers don't add up.

Oh, what's that? These four movies have made over three billion dollars worldwide? 

Uh...yeah, well, my six hundred posts? Um...I uh...


...made some friends. Like...four of them. Hell...maybe even five.


  1. I hate these movies, but Trey Parker actually made me think that maybe I could suffer through it with my kid. Luckily his daycare went.

    Go see War for the Planet of the Apes to make yourself feel better. :D

    1. I genuinely liked the first one. But it's been a freefall straight to kid movie Hell ever since. Trey Parker is almost worth it though. Like being waterboarded with Kool-Aid, you know?

      I saw Apes!!!! (it's my next review!!!)

    2. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

  2. The trailer for this looks like complete & utter crap. I'm still going to see it, though, because I'm that guy, that one guy, who liked Minions. I know. I'm too old for their shit, but whatever.

    1. I haven't stopped shaking my head since I found out your dirty secret. Minions. MINIONS?!?!?!

      Say it ain't so, Dell.





  3. "One, is this something that people routinely do, scan the theater for perverts?Two, how many times have I been identified?"

    Holy crap. Is there a registry? Are we on it? Why does Jenny Slate get all that quality dick and I dont? What the fuck are the Minions? Again, so many questions.

    1. HAhahaha....yeah, I think we're side-by-side at the top. At least yours was probably for something cool, like 'guttural moaning'. I'm on there for 'general creepiness'.

      Dude...Jenny Slate is totally on the Mt. Rushmore of What the F--k is Going on Here?

      Minions? Don't ask. Especially if you just found out what a fidget spinner is. Well, mostly found out.

    2. I spent 10 minutes yesterday watching videos on youtube of people "playing" with fidget spinners and I know less now than I did before

    3. I don't even know where to begin.

      I'm pretty sure their existence/popularity is a sure sign of the apocalypse.

  4. The pervert comment was straight gold and unexpected though it probably shouldn't have been knowing the source of this blog. I know I have been identified as that pervert at least once before (an ill timed exit to the restroom way too early in the film's running time). Here's to another 652 posts and to the correctly and incorrectly identified movie theater perverts!

    Looking forward to Plant of Apes post and to my morning IMAX showing of Dunkirk tomorrow!

    1. Holy shit, if it isn't Mr. Grunden. Well, I'll be... have totally been identified as the pervert in the theater, but that's probably to be expected when you buy a ticket to a teen-romance movie in the middle of the day. You'd never find me at something like that. Nope.

      I don't know how to start Apes, so it's killing me inside.

      And you and your IMAX Dunkirk showing! I'm so...jealous. I think I'm now dead inside.

  5. Yeah, Trey mother-f-ckin Parker was just awesome. I laughed for most of the movie because I was completely wasted on weed butter, but I can't help but agree with most of this.

    BUT. I vehemently disagree with one of your boos!! I thought the Minions singing performance was incredible. I literally gave it applause when they finished.

    But I -was- pretty wasted....

    Hehe keep up the good work mate, glad to be back in the blogosphere again. You and sati just crack me up. :)

    1. He really was, man. Saved me from finding a tall building to jump off of, too. I don't think there's enough weed butter in the world to make me have a good time with this one. But I'll take a butter knife, sure. At least I could jam it in my eye.

      Hahaha. I applauded to when the Minions were done singing. But, then again, I always clap a little when my soul falls straight out of my ass.

      Thanks, man. I appreciate the sentiment endlessly.

    2. Yeah we should have a standup. Called "Perverts who were spotted".

  6. For such a bad movie, you sure delivered a funny review, man! Still laughing at that "Hollywood Wiener Collection" reference which was.. below the belt man, honest, but yet so brutal - love it!

    By the way, after seeing Nymphomania alone in a theater with four guys... trust me, pervert has a whole new meaning to me! I swear to god, I hear a zipper opening at one point... didn't leave the movie though, such a committed blogger I am!

    1. Hahahaha....thanks, Getter. Dude...her collection is fierce. You know it. I know it. The best dicks in Hollywood know it.

      Whoa? Somebody decided to unleash the Kraken, in the theater? That takes some balls, you know? Literally.

      But I'm glad you hung in there and finished the movie! And also...that you didn't see my face.