Monday, July 31, 2017

This is my malfunction. I can't be 'meh' about anything.

Look, we were all in high school at one point. We all got off on hating that shit that everybody else loved, right? I did, you did, we all did. Well, except that one guy, he was too cool to hate...or like...anything. A real trendsetter he was...never setting a trend.

But, man...I'm telling you, there's this trend going around that I refuse to participate in. Like, I'd rather be caught licking ice cream of a dead donkey's dick, then to perpetuate this black eye on the jizz-riddled face of humanity. Maybe it's because I'm a teacher (a shitty one), or maybe it's because I'm a 'blogger' (also a shitty one), but I can't stand the constant need for shortcuts in everything writing. So it should be pretty clear when I say:

I f--king hate emojis. Hate every stupid f--king thing about them.

This is clearly the work of Satan.
But I love my kids. And being that it's my daughter's birthday, and my adorable little angel devours those awful things, I had to take her and her brother to see The Emoji Movie. But didn't you just say you loved you kids? 

Good point.

I'm not going to say that I enjoyed any aspect of this dreadful movie, but after hearing that it was possibly the steamiest of steaming piles of dogshit, I hate to report that it's really not that bad. Oh, it's terrible, uninspired, hopelessly boring and sends likely the worst message to kids in the history of time, sure.  But, uh, what would one reasonably expect from something called The Emoji Movie? I mean, at least it's not eighty-six minutes of an older gentleman acquiring Tin Roof from the shaft of a decaying ass. Uh, why do you keep typing that?

Because, uh, obviously, there's no emoji for it.

But what there is an emoji for is 'meh', and perhaps shockingly, he's is the star of our film. Yep, it turns out the little shitty character responsible for how stupid people explain indifference (myself included), Meh (as voiced by T.J. Miller), is having a bit of an identity crisis. And instead of thinking everything is, you know, meh, this f--ker has feelings that he feels the need to express.

Using...*throws hands up* emojis. Well, of course he does.

Where's the emoji for go f--k yourself in the ass until you die choking of your own shit?
They have one of those, right? I don't have an iPhone.
Don't for a second, not one f--king second, think in that pretty little head of yours that anything in this film sniffs the sweaty ballsack of creativity, because it doesn't. Having the main character be a hero simply because he's willing to consider something at a level most newborns would scoff at is a new f--king low as far as I'm concerned.

From here, I'm assuming the next people humanity will celebrate and build a statue for, are the people with the most views on YouTube or something. Though, at that point, we'll probably have to watch YouTube to figure out how to build a statue in the first place. But the video will be more than two minutes long, and no one will finish watching it anyway. We'll just send that guy a text saying THX (because those three other letters are such a waste of f--king time). Then there'll be an emoji of a hammer or something.

Speaking of wastes of time, and hammers, here are the Yays and Boos for The Emoji Movie. I typically don't hold roles against certain actors or anything (money's money, you know?), but for the next week, everyone involved in this film can choke on a f--king flip phone. Yes, even you Professor X, as much as it pains me to say...


  • One emoji gets punched in the face and dies immediately.

There's a special place in Hell for Maya Rudolph's character.
  • Even if the dog was adorable, the Hotel Transylvania short Puppy, playing in front of The Emoji Movie, seemed like it had somewhere to be. (but it was still way more enjoyable than what was to follow)
  • We open in my own personal nightmare: a classroom full of kids texting emojis to each other. *drinks a gallon of holy water, adopts formal religion*
  • Man, not only are Poop and Little Poop just the worst, but every time these little shits are on screen, the potty puns  explode all over the back of the bowl, you know? Sounds like someone starting an old boat or something...
  • There is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. Uh, are we talking about getting laid, Smiley Bitch emoji? Really? I guess it's okay, seeing as everyone in the audience is getting f--ked right now.
  • Words aren't cool. A kid said an animated film...and I wanted to kill him.
  • So, Meh kind of freaks out and ends up displaying this random ass emoji.
    • One, I'm pretty sure that this f--ked up emoji is now going to be a thing.
    • And two, he has to go get 'reprogrammed', which my wife leaned over and whispered to me, Is this about being transgender? So, when you hear about the guy that hung himself in a theater? Yeah, that was me.
  • Okay, so hi-five guy up there? At one point he comes into the frame with those little rubber finger puppet-things on his, er, fingers. You know, those ones from when you were a kid in the 80s. So, that's just terrible enough, right? Of course it is. But worse? He explains what they are. He actually says he got them. In the 80s. What the f--k?
  • For f--k's sake they end up visiting Candy Crush. In The Emoji Movie. Like, I get it, it makes sense. But holy shit. That's like being hours into a bear-mauling, and now the bear's finally got a boner. And it's on fire.
  • The hand-guy says his hands are sweating....which is a terrible f--king joke. But then the emo-emoji girl counters with, get this, You are a hand. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Sick burn!
  • Speaking of the chick, there's a romance angle in here that's so bad, it made the relationship in Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets [review] look like The f--king Notebook.
  • At some point, the Twitter bird is summoned and I almost went all Hilary Clinton and deleted my account.
  • And finally, there's actually this human kid, I'm assuming his name is Dick, and he's like, totally struggling with how to talk to girls. Every time he goes to say something, he totally screws it up. But when he finally sends this new flashy emoji, she totally falls for him. No, seriously. He sends the right smiley face and she says, You're not like the other guys, you know? You're okay with expressing how you feel. ARE YOU F--KING KIDDING ME???? Ten years from now, if you can make an audible grunt I'm assuming that will constitute a romantic proposal. And it'll get so many likes! *puts gun in mouth*
These words are mine. All of the pointless characters, jammed together to try to make you feel something. You can't ever really know that, sure, because I write like a thirteen year old girl who watches a lot of prison movies, but I'm telling you, I think about the words I write, and I string them together to form something called tone. Perhaps you've already deciphered it.

Or perhaps not.

Dammit. If only there was some way I could make it absolutely clear.

Oh, right. Haha. It's so simple.



  1. "my adorable little angel " - awww!!!

    And then it'dead donkeys' dicks and bears' boners on fire.

    I hate how close this came to dethroning Dunkirk at #1.Ian Mckellen laughed so hard at Stewart for participating in this.

    1. My little girl is the sweetest thing in the world...when she's not being the devil.

      Yeah, I'm not sure what was happening with all the dead donkeys and fire boners. Apparently a banner day at Two Dollar Cinema.

      I saw Stewart promoting this and he seemed sort of okay with the finished product, leading me to believe that this film had something redeeming.

      It did not.

  2. This film is probably the equivalent to the movie Ass that was shown in Idiocracy which is essentially 90 minutes of a barenaked ass farting.

    1. I need to see Ass (and Idiocracy) again, as I have a feeling that that movie (both movies) essentially NAILED the future.

      I don't imagine we're gonna get much lower than this.

  3. Aww you're such a good dad. I told my son no when he asked to see this. lol

    1. I love that you read this post and still held on to the thought that I could ever be considered a good father.

  4. I don't know what's funnier: the fact there's only one Yay, or what that Yay is for. I'm quite sure this review is far better than the movie. I laughed all the way through this. I think I completely lost it when we got to the bear's burning boner. However, your work may have had the opposite of the desired effect. I was going to skip it, but I'm now morbidly curious about how bad it could be. I'll try to restrain myself.

    1. You know I roll the same way you do, like we both not only have to pull over to get a closer look at the car accident, but we get out of the car and go all amateur-CSI on that bitch.

      Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bother with this one. It's not even morbidly amusing. It's just garbage. Flaming garbage.

  5. I'm literally crying with tears right now, you poor poor man.. sending my highest respect for actually seeing this one.. for us, childless people who don't have to suffer through it! Thank you! Respect, man!

    I also want to know if this is the first review you've given only one Yay? Technically it's like a "meh" because it's sarcastic.

    PS: When am I going to complete you? (that's a really weird question but I hope you're smart enough to get it :D * oh look a retro emoji!!!!!!!!)

    1. Tears? Hopefully they were like mine...and made of rage.

      My little girl wanted to see it, sure, but she's also cool enough that if I told the theater burnt down and we couldn't go, she would have been fine with that too. I'm not (fully) innocent in this matter.

      This is the first one-Yay review ever. I think. You're welcome to go abck and rad 'em all the find out...but then you'll probably need professional help. So...let's just assume this is the first one.

      Guess what? Now? You totally complete me.

    2. They were tears of laughter because your pain apparently is my joy?

      Well, you suffered for all of us then, us who knew this was going to be a disaster and avoided it from the start.

      And YAY, I complete you! Thanks, I feel like part of the cool kids now!

  6. "When am I going to complete you? "
    "Guess what? Now? You totally complete me."
    "And YAY, I complete you! Thanks, I feel like part of the cool kids now!"