Friday, August 25, 2017

He slammed into something he shouldn't have slammed into.

Being that it's late August, and having completed ten glorious weeks of basically being nineteen again, regrettably, I have to go back. To work. 

Back to the classroom. 
The one with kids in it.

And as I sleepily drive to school every morning, I start to (once again [this is an annual event]) fantasize about all the other jobs I'd rather be doing. At my lowest moments, it's essentially anything else, but there's been a steady top 3 for years.

  1. UPS Guy: the shorts! the truck! the solitude!  
  2. Landscaper: listening to music! driving a small car with blades on it!
  3. Garbage man: um, when you're not hanging on the back of a moving truck, your jumping off of it, lifting something heavy, and throwing it into a hole where it gets smashed to Hell. *squeals*
Deep down, I know I'm not ever going to be any of those things, but it doesn't hurt to dream does it? But maybe I need to step a little outside the box, you know? Maybe fantasize about doing something so might just work. Something like...

...butter sculptor? Or, better yet, used car salesman.

One of my best imaginary friends (we've never actually met, but still) has a thing for a certain actor, and there is, at this point, no way I can disassociate the two. I think of her, I think of the the actor. I think of the actor, I think of her. And when I stumbled onto a little film called Butter (barely) starring said actor, there was simply nothing I could do. I had to watch it. 

Especially when I was pretty f--king sure that she hadn't seen it. 

I say all this, because I'm thinking an elaborate and /or nonsensical story is the only way one ends up watching director Jim Field Smith's 2011 goofball comedy. Like, it was the only DVD Grandma had...or, after visiting the World's Largest Rocking Chair, we needed to wind down with a movie...

Set in the world of competitive butter carving, this flick tells the the story of Laura Pickler, the domineering wife of a newly retired state champion named Bob. Despite the nice house and affable husband, ol' Laura ain't really got all that much. Except a flaming stick up her ass, frankly, as Bob's glory was what she hung her hat on. Now that he's bowed out, she's Hell-bent on taking the title herself. Unfortunately, Laura will not go unopposed in the run up to the big show. She's going to have to beat a trio of upstart competitors: a kooky cat-lady, an angry stripper, and of course, a talented orphan.

Hmm. I wonder who's going to win? Here's a hint: not us.

Actually, Butter isn't flat-out terrible, even if it more-or-less shouldn't exist outside of the edgier parts of the Bible Belt. The cast, oddly-recognizable and fairly talented, drag us through the relentless quirkiness of Jason A. Micallef's script kicking and screaming, sure, but when we look up and see their familiar (and sexy) faces, it kind of makes the ensuing dismemberment of our cinematic souls not so bad. Besides, how mad can you be at a movie that features that sexy minx Olivia Wilde playing a hyper-aggressive stripper? Oh, right. Not mad at all. 

They're actually trying to keep their hands still, but the power Hugh Jackman's crotch radiates is simply too much.
What you can be mad at, Hell, furious even, are the Yays and Boos. We're about to actually start writing lesson plans and such, so there's a good chance you won't being seeing too much of these a-holes for some time. And this upsets me how, exactly? Ah, good point.

I always wanted to be a boy scout.
  • Ty Burrell, playing Bob, has basically been playing a different versions of Phil Dunphy for the better part of a decade. Turns out? I love Phil Dunphy.
  • Which made seeing Bob hit up the strip club a welcome surprise, you know. If only Gloria was working that night.
  • But Brooke was (Wilde), and she's amazing. Not only because she's hot as f--k, but because after her dance, she'll not only bang you in your van, but she'll follow you home...on her bicycle.
  • Actually, her little exchange at their house was one of my favorite parts. After telling Bob she was gonna shit on the hood of his car, she eventually confronts Laura about the six-hundred dollars Bob still owes her. Laura's response? Did he buy six hundred blow-jobs on credit?
  • Oh, and the other way Brooke tries to get her money back from the Pickler family? It's fantastic. Especially because of how sweaty it makes me.
  • Rob Corddry kind of kicks ass in this movie. Who knew?
  • The outtakes at the end were actually pretty funny. Loved the exchanges between Corddry and the little girl prior to registration.
  • And finally, buried way down at the bottom of that stack of sticks, we find the one, the only...Hugh f--king Jackman. Jackman shows up for maybe five minutes to play a slimy used car salesman named Boyd Bolton, but what a glorious five minutes it was. As the unknowing patsy in Laura's revenge scheme, Boyd's so delightfully stupid/handsome, you kind of can't help but to love this f--king prick. God's pretty cool, Boyd, sure, but he ain't got shit on you.
You're probably not old enough to remember
Supermarket Sweep, but it f--king ruled.
  • These psycho bitch roles have been done a million times, but it looks like Jennifer Garner is at least having fun taking her turn, you know? Good for her.
  • So, let me get this straight. According to this movie, I can go to a strip club, bang a stripper in the parking lot, and my wife and I are going to have a regular fight about it later? Wow. Who knew? I guess nothing is as bad as when I don't flush the toilet. 
  • The whole orphan story, while at least moderately touching, seems a bit out of place here. Like, a lot out of place.
  • It took me waaaay too long to realize that was Alicia Silverstone. Way too long.
  • Man, Bob's daughter HATES Laura (almost as much as she LOVES Brooke). Harsh (Amazing).
  • Has Phyllis from The Office ever been allowed to play anything other than Phyllis from The Office. Because at this rate, I'm thinking that character might as well be in the MCU she's been in so many f--king movies.
  • I thought melting faces is something you did with a guitar. Not something you do...with a face.
  • And finally, hahaha, let's all have a laugh at the backassward nature of these butter-carving hillbillies of Iowa, right? Yeah, I'd be laughing with you too, except, you know, I live in Central Pennsylvania. Which makes Iowa City looks like New York City for f--k's sake. 

I've got one more day at work before the kids arrive on Monday, and as usual, the dread is suffocating. I mean, there's no way I can change careers over the next three days, right? That's totally unrealistic. Shit, I probably have better odds at being struck by lightening. 

So, this is kind of awkward. But, uh...

...can I borrow your umbrella?


  1. " no way I can disassociate the two. I think of her, I think of the the actor. I think of the actor, I think of her. "


    The power Hugh's crotch radiates was super strong in this one. And his accent was so cute! This movie made me realize I wouldnt mind having a dumb and borderline ilitirate boyfriend. Even if he talked to God. I have no scruples and morals left, it seems.

    Yeah you've gotta keep writing because other than random scenes in new Twin Peaks nothing else makes me laugh. If you stop I WILL shit on your lawn.

    1. Hahahaha....I wrote that a million different ways at first. Glad it at least makes sense.

      I'm not entirely sure he nailed the accent, but it was hilarious regardless. That scene in the car, when he's praying? I'm still laughing at how incredulous Boyd is about, you know? It's like he's seen an actual miracle. Brilliant.

      Whoa, whoa...whoa. Between Dodger and the occasional neighborhood dog, we've got enough shit out there as it is!

  2. Yup, she's seen it.

    Competitive butter carving? I'm still not sure if that's the greatest thing I've ever heard of, or the worst.

    I am old enough to remember Supermarket Sweep. Yup, it ruled.

    Blow jobs on credit? Is that really a thing? I'm asking for a friend. And btw, there really is nothing worse than forgetting to flush.

    Phyllis from The Office is awesome at being Phyllis from The Office so I'm inclined to count that as a yay. While we're at it, who doesn't love Phil Dunphy?

    Just to rub your face in it a little, I go back into my classroom on Monday, too, but I won't have kids for another week. Yay. However,...

    I suddenly have an urge to be a garbage man when I grow up.

    1. I only saw it after he mentioned Hugh has a sex scene. To be fair you don't see anything.

      But hearing was enough.

    2. Oh she has definitely seen it. And I think I'm to blame.

      The whole butter carving thing is pretty big near where I live, or I'd imagine it is, as news of the sculpture's annual reveal is something akin to a hacked celebrity nude. And I react the same way: "I don't want to see that shit. Ever. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut..........."

      Supermarket Sweep was chaos. As a kid, I often imagined doing something similar in a toy store. Hell...I still think about that.

      Tell your friend I have no idea. And yeah, the flush thing is bad, but seriously...this is the biggest fight my wife and I ever have. As if it's something I meant to do????? Next time, I'm shitting on her half of the bed. Just kidding. (It's more like two-thirds)

      Phyllis and Phil are great, I'll admit. Just one time, I want to see something different. Like...waaay different.

      HAhahaha...I go back tomorrow. But, I will remember this little comment in June. Uh huh.

      DON'T WE ALL????

  3. Well this has a pretty decent cast line up but frankly it doesn't really sound like something I'd be interested in watching. By the way, I found it amusing that you often dream of being a garbage man, I mean, only a school teacher would do that.

    1. I don't blame you in the least, good sir, as the world of competitive butter carving isn't exactly for the masses.

      Dude. Being a garbage man is totally my dream. If I could make the same money I make in teaching I'd do it in a heartbeat.

  4. I remember when this was in theaters. I can't remember the last time Jennifer Garner did anything interesting on screen. Was it Juno?

    1. That is impressive...I didn't think there was a chance in Hell that this one made it to the big screen (despite the cast), but you get the coolest shit where you are.

      Dallas Buyers Club? Never saw it. I was gonna say Dude Where's My Car? That was pretty f--king interesting.

    2. yeah that movie can suck a dick though for trying to sue every single person who downloaded it =D

    3. Cut the flick some slack. Hugh Jackman played Wolverine for 17 years

    4. I'm not sure what movie is making us suck dicks, nor am I sure if I could possibly cut Butter any more slack.

      Shall we discuss, or should we just cut our losses now?

    5. This "Carson Maitland - Smith" has twitter page linked from his comment where he has me blocked. Also why should this flick be treated differently because Hugh played Wolvie for 17 years? This is all fascinating

      Dallas BC 'can suck dick' I assume. There was a big thing with the studio suing people who downloaded the movie. It's a great movie, though.

    6. I love it when you come in here and just f--king nail everything. Seriously, the amount of clarity you have just provided is breathtaking.

      Because for a minute? I had no idea what the Hell was going on. (Gotta check out Dallas Buyer's's one of the seven movies my wife has seen that I have not)

    7. Tis a good movie. Leto was amazing. But fuck them for trying to sue everyone. Luckily the Aussie govmnt did something right for once and told them to pay something like 600 grand or to go fuck ofg

  5. I feel like I need to see this just because I now feel excluded from the cool kids group. OR like that group in high school that thinks its cool but it's not but they really think that they are and then they have these movie watching Friday nights were they watch Butter and carve butter because they are really committed to their cool kids gang and their coolness, so that's actually what they do.

    1. This is not 'cool kids group'. This is 'let's find some porn for a girl who really needs to get laid and makes us laugh on Fridays' group.

      And the rest of the comment? Are you calling us 'not cool'? No one carved butter. People maybe masturbated, but no one carved butter.

    2. That seems like a really long title for a group name..

      I think I'm not cool or at least not like the cool kids cool but more nerdy but maybe that's just me. But I'm also cool with not being too cool so still cool. :D

      The synopsis says she discovers butter carving... but it turns into masturbation? Huh.

    3. I have no idea what's going on here, but this is what I do know. Mostly.

      I did not carve butter or masturbate, but I could see a day where either could happen. Perhaps even both.