Friday, August 18, 2017

I look for pleasure in the details.

I'm not sure if other dads do this, but I tend to say lots of ridiculous and untrue things to my children.

I invent countless fictional characters, give them horrible accents, and try to make my kids laugh by detailing the horribly unfortunate lives these accident-prone individuals lead. This summer was dominated early by the unholy trio of Trixie Biscuits, Skooch MacGillicuddy, and Pumpkinspice Malone.

But when my son came home from camp one day and told me that there was a pair of German siblings in attendance, everything changed. Otto and Gunther, two young and very serious German boys became my go-to characters.

And it turns out, perhaps surprisingly, lots of crazy shit happens in Germany.

If I had to take a test concerning the finer plot details of Atomic Blonde, I'd probably be rolling the dice on at least half of the questions. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the movie (um, as someone who appreciates beautiful women, that would be f--king impossible), it just gets to a point where who's working for who and for what reason becomes about as relevant as anything in this post that's not a giant picture of Charlize Theron.

Basically, this flick plays out like most spy films (at least in premise), with a coveted item unfortunately ending up in the wrong hands. Shocking no one, this hugely important thing is likely to be sold off to the highest bidder, a.k.a the guy with the thickest accent and/or deepest voice, so we're going to need an agent in there yesterday to recover that sumbitch. Like, a secret one, right? Like...someone that will just blend in. Not a nine-foot tall goddess made out of equal parts porcelain and adamantium. Because, you know, no one would notice her.

Turns out, buried deep within a wrist watch that I imagine, at some point, was up the ass of Christopher Walken, just so happens to be a list with the true identity of every single undercover agent in the Cold War. And being that no one knows who the f--k is who (including me, the viewer) or who the Hell they work for, heads are certainly going to roll in the process of securing this timepiece. Well, I guess they're not going to roll, exactly, more like cave in or explode. The Berlin Wall came down on a Thursday, but trust me, leading up to that? It's quite the Blue Monday.

But Mr. Goodman, you're not due on set till tomorrow.
We're only shooting vigorous all-girl love scene today.
Honestly, I know the film had a writer, and there's dialogue delivered by cool actors, and things happen that aren't utterly f--king chaotic (I think this is called plot?), but all I will remember about Atomic Blonde when I'm breathing my last breath will be Charlize Theron going all John Wick on a bunch of European dudes. She'll be whipping her lengthy frame all over a neon room, looking both cool and sexy as f--k, as some kick ass 80s tune blares over top of the incessant gunfire. And when I conjure up this incredibly visceral scene in my mind, even if I didn't ultimately care why it was happening, I'll smile a huge f--king smile. Because, man, the action was so f--king the time, it nearly killed me.

Guys! Let Mom change her clothes before you start asking her about dinner.
But what probably will be the death of me, is yet another appearance by the Yays and Boos. While I thought that this flick was going to be my last theatrical catch of Summer '17, turns out I'd manage to see at least one more. Let's not jump the gunslinger yet, okay? First things first.

So, you two know each other?

  • The opening is rad as f--k, and clearly lets us all know, that f--k Baby Driver [review], this will be the soundtrack of the summer.
  • It might only happen twice, but I felt like everybody was always putting on music to set the mood for whatever weird thing they were about to do. 
  • So, here's like, the best problem ever. I'm honestly not sure how I prefer my Lorraine Broughton (Charlize's character): fully-clothed or totally naked. F--k you, guys. I'm serious.
  • As soon as I saw Toby Jones, I thought to myself, that guy has the most interesting face in Hollywood. Then Eddie Marsan shows up, and I'm thinking, Okay, Jones. Top two.
  • And yet another neck-and-neck race, let me put my (meaty) hands together for the two hot chicks laying on top of each other in McAvoy's bed. Ladies, you are totally going to be the best tandem of naked women I will see in a bed toda------- Oooh, about that.
  • Let me help you with your bags. 
  • I don't know when the bar for an action scene got so f--king astronomically high, but this is an dangerously escalating trend I can get behind. The rope scene in the kitchen was cool as Hell, but it doesn't scratch the surface to where we're headed. 
  • Speaking of, the car scenes! The initial fight in the car was great, but man...that chase scene toward the end? I would have totally ruined my pants, you know, had I not taken them off forty-minutes prior.
  • And while everyone is going to mention the two long fight scenes, my favorite unedited shot is actually just Lorraine entering a bar to meet some gangster dude. This shit is, well, the shit.
  • Yes, everything Charlize wears is f--king amazing, don't sleep on Percival's threads. Seriously, McAvoy's character basically dresses like Tyler f--king Durden.
  • Speaking of, I'm thinking anything James McAvoy is in, basically falls into the realm of event cinema. This dude is f--king electric.
  • Am I cross-eyed, or did we get a couple of looks directly into the camera? Maybe it was my imagination, but I swear, she just looked right at me!
  • And finally, I grew up in the 80s, and I know firsthand how f--king lame that entire decade was. Because of that, I'd like to thank everyone involved in the making and design of Atomic Blonde. For about an hour and a half, you actually had me thinking, wow, maybe it wasn't so bad. Then I came home and looked at some childhood pictures...and wished Charlize Theron would kick in my door and shoot me directly in the crotch of my Jordache jeans.
So, is Percival part of The Horde?
  • Um, that dude who gets his legs crushed by a car driven by the biggest f--king c-nt in the KGB? Uhhh...they look good afterward. Like, too good.
  • Joking or not, you don't call John f--king Goodman a c--ksucker. The man is a national treasure for f--k's sake. 
  • So, my favorite version of Lorraine is Legal Affairs Broughton. But it turns out, this stunning, dark-haired vixen is an extremely limited edition, appearing onscreen for maybe...five minutes tops. But, you know what they say, sexy wigs and knee-high boots are temporary. Boners? They're forever. 
  • Even though I hated that f--king German Jon Hamm (Jon Hammstein, perhaps?), stabbing him in the cheek with a key? That's like, grody to the max.
  • When is a sexy young French woman going to follow me around until I have sex with her? Oh, right. Absolutely never.
  • Yes, 90% of what we see is likely impossible. But, because I'm a joyless a-hole, my real beef was with the umbrellas. C'mon, now. Everybody in that section of the march had them? Really?
  • Hey, young German dude. When needing to talk to Lorraine, the uh, instrument of death, perhaps running up her isn't the best way to go about things...
  • Remember when Kurt Loder was the old guy on MTV? Oh, you don't? Well, I do. And that makes me the old guy. Not on MTV.
  • It's kind of a trend these days, but once again, I thought this movie had ended. Twice.
  • And finally, how underrated is Charlize Theron? Seriously. Is there a more versatile actress working today? Seriously, I'm utterly convinced that there isn't a role in the world that Theron couldn't knock out of the f--king park. (and why isn't she my favorite actress?)

My daughter, who just turned four, is now going around the house occasionally talking in this terrible German accent. Lately, since she's taking a liking to the electronic station on XM, she's always talking about Gunther and Otto dropping stupid beats. Every time she does this, my wife looks at me like, what have you done to my little girl? What is she even talking about?

I don't know why she's doing any of this. Really.

(But it's so f--king cool, right?)


  1. Owww I am loving all those kids stories!

    The umbrellas were the problem? Having 3 exactly the same red cars next to each other in the beginning of Fuck You Baby Driver is fine but THIS is unbelievable? And yes the soudtrack for this rules. I have been listening to Major Tom and Blue Monday ever since seeing it. And between the use of it in IBasterds and here Cat People makes me wanna punch dicks and set things on fire

    And her outfits! Amazing. But her entire look especialy her hair was so striking and memorable I suppose they at least tried to make an efffort by putting a wig on her in few scenes

    1. I help with my son's baseball team and I look around at these 'men', and I think, there's no way they talk to their kids like a bad-German DJ all day. Hopefully mine don't grow up and be weirdos.

      Hahaha....we're not even talking about Baby Driver...but yes, the f--king red car thing was stupid as Hell. Hmmm...I wonder if I mentioned that in the Boos? Shit. Were there any Boos? Cause, you know, it's pretty much a perfect film.

      Oh, right. The soundtrack. We...kind of were talking about Baby Driver. Anyway...the AB soundtrack is rad as Hell. Though I don't know what's with the version of Blue Monday that appears on the actual soundtrack. What the f--k is that?

      Dude. Her clothes. My goodness. I almost had to make room on my permanent boner for CT. But that Wonder Woman....I think she's still taking home the gold.

  2. lmao thank you for those kid stories. That must be a parent thing because I do that to my son as well. I made cornish game hen for dinner last night, and when he asked what it was I told him "A hen from the land of Cornish who likes to play games."

    I'll probably catch this on DVD eventually but I'm glad I'll know ahead of time there isn't really a plot.

    1. Hahaha....damn kids. I like your explanation of dinner. So fancy!

      I think there is a plot actually, just too much of it? Or something. I don't know. I'm sure you'll dig this one, as watching Theron kick ass is nothing if not entertaining.

  3. I had fun with it but it had so many problems for me, I guess I anticipated more from it which is why I felt disappointed.
    PS: If we are talking about weird faces, I sort of think of Bill Skarsgard, he has a weirdly appealing face and I liked his small role here. I wish it was a bit bigger though, he's a tall lanky Swede playing a German though, which feels like cheating.

    McAvoy can do anything, he should have had more to do here though.

    But yes, Theron looked amazing and kickass and stunning and bisexual and well, awesome. I will have fond memories of that at least.

    1. I had heard a bit about the plot being messy prior to catching I wasn't really let down at all. I actually liked it more than I thought I would!

      Bill Skarsgard was awesome! I'm with you, I could have spent a few more minutes with that guy. And his face? I'm a fan (but those other two dudes are AMAZING).

      McAvoy can do anything. This, I'm certain, is fact.

      She looked 'bisexual'? Do go on...

  4. Fuckin great review brother. You and sati make the best pair for making me piss myself laughing at movie reviews!!! =]

    Listening to the OST now, its pretty great. Gotta admit tho, I fucking hate the movie, but I dig the Baby Driver OST a ton. Its the only reason I gave it more than one beer outta a six-pack hehe.

    "Seriously, McAvoy's character basically dresses like Tyler f--king Durden."

    I thought I was the only one who thought this!!!! So right mate!! Though...... as much as McAvoy rules, that movie 'Split' was a fucking DISGRACE. H was good, don't get me wrong, but having friends with that disorder..... the movie honestly made a fucking joke out of it.

    I need to see Filth, apparently he is really good in that.

    As for this flick..... I dunno man. Goodman was so underused, and that broken up narrative pissed me off. Killed the momentum. The fight scenes were awesome but, the tactics, strategy used and the style of the Wick movies shits all over this IMO. Perhaps I'm just a sexist arsehole!!

    I also didn't give two shits about Lorry or whatever her name was. The plot was dumb AF imo, even for a spy flick the twists were just stupid. I cared NOTHING about her, as much as she kicked arse. And like you said, all the umbrellas was just one of many idiotic parts for me.

    1. Yesssssss! Glad you dug this one.

      I should probably pick both these up (in fact, f--k it, I'm going to grab them now) to judge it fairly, but I'm leaning toward AB only because I knew the tracks...and could sing along. Not that I did...but I would...which is why I liked BD so f--king much.

      I am Jack's thrift-shop wardrobe.

      Ah, gotcha. That shit is no joke, I'm sure...but movies always make it look...amusing? Not cool.

      Nah, you ain't a sexist asshole, the Hell do you now drool over an eight foot goddess kicking heaps of German hench-ass? It's all too convoluted for its own good,'s at least fun, right? Right? *ducks punch*