Monday, December 12, 2011

Azreal? Are you dead?

If you dare scroll down and look at the movies I've been watching lately, you might think that I really like either a) torturing myself or b) watching complete piles of shit. While neither of those are entirely true, I think I've figured out why I'm seeing so many lackluster movies. Run-time. Yep. Since I watch most of these damn flicks so late at night, I've been choosing the shortest movies available. Yesterday, I managed to watch a movie in the daytime. Good news, right? Well, not exactly...

From left to right: Idiot Smurf, Mexican Smurf, Papa Smurf, Katy Perry Smurf, Braveheart Smurf and Douchey Smurf.
A bit heavy on the Smurf ass, no?
Somewhere in my internet travels, I had read a glowing review of this movie. Honestly. I must've really worked for that because the general consensus is that this movie sucks in a big way. I had read a lot of "" comments and that "Hollywood was officially run out of ideas". While I somewhat agree with the latter, the former is definitely overstating it. Yeah, The Smurfs is essentially terrible, but let's be honest. Outside of the top-tier animation studios, 98% of all flicks aimed at kids tend to be cinematic abominations.

First, all this "they're raping my childhood" bullshit has to stop. Most things we loved as kids tend to really suck once you subtract the nostalgia factor. Yes, I rolled my eyes when I first saw the trailer for this one, but seriously, who gives a shit? I can't think of one thing from my childhood that they could remake or re-imagine that would truly upset me. They've pretty much taken a shot at everything (G.I Joe, Transformers, TMNT and even Inspector Gadget) and while most did indeed suck ass, I'm cool with it. Now mess with Jem, and we might have a problem. It's showtime, Synergy.
The ol' butterfly net. Classic.

Anyway, because I know you're dying, let me break it down into some Yays and Boos! Cool?
  • Hank Azaria, as Gargamel, kind of rules. Mostly because he uses his Professor Frink voice routinely, but he really gives this one a go. And damn it, why is he so jacked?
  • I would totally do either of them.
  • Sofia Vergara is proof that there is a God.
  • Their eyes are scary. I mean, like, I'll-do-whatever-you-say-scary. 
  • Of all the Smurfs to choose from, I feel like we got ripped off. No Handy? Really? That guy is like the cornerstone of Smurf society. Him and Jokey. He brings a lot to the table.
  • There was a dick joke in here. Unacceptable. If we're going to amuse the adults, then I want to see Smurfette's boobs. It's only fair.
  • Twenty-one minutes. That's how long you entertained my son, Smurfs. And that's simply not good enough.
  • Not sure if this counts, but my wife actually said aloud (rather disgusted, no less), "They aren't even three apples tall." Then, I smurfed her.
  •  Speaking of domestic violence, my wife is the one who put the disc in the PS3. And you know what? She played the DVD! What-what-whaaat? I haven't watched a DVD willingly since 2006.I want Vanity Smurf in his HD glory, or frankly, not at all.
Hey, Winter Break is approaching us shortly. I pledge to watch better movies. Shit, I might even watch a foreign film. One that has an incredibly girthy run time. I got it. Red Cliff. Both parts. Hell. Yes.

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