Sunday, December 11, 2011

When this is are you.

Parkour, you lied to me. When you were in those Nike commercials? You were cool. District B13? I had a good time - thought we were friends. But Friday night, you took advantage of me. You called yourself Freerunner, and you, sir, are a real piece of shit. In fact, I hate you. Oh, and let's just put it out there: you're not even a real sport.
Explosions! Guys, um, flying. Radical! 
At least they're not on a roller coaster, I guess.

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I got this movie via an online trade and for some reason, I thought it would be entertaining. Stupid? Yeah, I expected that. But unreasonably shitty? Nope. Didn't see that one coming.

I know, whatever you just called me in your mind (or aloud) - I deserve that.

Initially, though it was cheesy, the video-game style introductions were interesting enough. Once we know the characters, the basic conflict is thrown our way. What is it, you foolishly ask? Eight guys must run, I mean, use their mesmerizing parkour skills to collect three flags placed throughout the city. And for some reason, people seem to like watching these races and even bet on them. It's funny, during the races, they'll cut to the audience watching online - and those bastards are loving it. They are having at least 900% more fun than we are. Whatever. Occasionally a guy does a flip over something and you think; that's cool, but it'd probably be faster if you didn't bother with the floor routine, asshole. At least I did.
At least the blonde lets the girls breathe for a minute.
Screw this. This movie is so worthless, it's unfathomable. But let me take a minute to examine the worst of the worst. Starting with...
  • The script. Everything is so thoroughly explained it's offensive. I'm surprised the writers didn't include a note in the blu ray case detailing how to play the disc. And then there's...
    What's funnier than a head explosion? Nothing.
  • The Main Bad Guy. Cliches must have been on sale that day. Not only does he smoke a cigar, but he has a large, black bodyguard, too. And this guy? Dude's bald. And, and, has an eyepatch. He also surrounds himself with titties. Bad ones.
  • You're racing down an alley and there's a person crouching in the road. Run around them? No way, bro. You do a front flip over them. Extreme!
  • Sweet zombie Jesus! The rich guys who bet on the final race? Each guy is more stereotypical than the previous. Factory Owning Japanese Guy! Oil Tycoon/Southern Douche! Uppity British/Potentially Gay Guy! Frenchman! Jersey Mob Scumbag! Where's Pirate Man and Rap Guy when you need them? 
  • And their acting abilities? Shockingly, not good. They simulate typing by wiggling their fingers mostly off camera. It hurt my life. For real.
Well, damn. It's almost two-thirty. My hate is subsiding and turning into indifference. That's when it's time to  shut it down. If you want this movie, just leave your e-mail address in the Comments section. It's yours. Otherwise, I'm going to see how far I can throw it. And then? Then I'm going to do a back flip next to it. Parkour!

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