Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What's the dress code for the end of the world?

I wish the power had gone out in the theater.
I had a plan. My sister and I were going to double-feature it tonight. First up, was The Darkest Hour. We had both heard that it wasn't any good, but it was the only movie we could make and then see something else (presumably, a good movie). On our way out the door, my wife asked me what time we would be back. When I told her in four hours she made that face. The one where her mouth says it's okay, but everything else on her face says bullshit it is. 

Speaking of bullshit, that's exactly what this movie is. I think my sister nailed it in our post-movie wrap up. She felt like this entire movie exists because someone thought up a handful of clever scenes (her actual number was three, but we could only come up with one). If you've seen the trailer, trust me, you're good. You have seen everything in the ballpark of interesting. Yes, a dog gets attacked. Why I found that intriguing baffles me. Now, I just find it infuriating.

You know what? I'm done. I'm going to punch it in the face for a few minutes and then I'm going to bed. How about a top ten list? Perhaps a baker's dozen?

           Top 13 Reasons this movie sucks:
  1. Turns out Russia is a lawless wasteland. And that's before the invasion.
  2. When our fab five survivors emerge from the hideout (after the easiest week ever) they find the club they were in completely empty. Someone says, "They killed everybody." 
  3. You know who did make it? Old Russian Woman. Her solution? Brick up her windows. Good thing she had all those bricks and cement.
  4. The 3D is the worst I've ever seen.  This makes Captain Eo look like the prequel to Avatar
  5. Everybody in Russia carries molotov cocktails. Oh wait, that's actually awesome.
  6. There's a guy who finds it beneficial to wear a vest made out of keys. Keys!
  7. Pretty sure if you throw light-bulbs twenty yards, they might break. I mean, maybe.
  8. I was half expecting the Party Rock Anthem to play during the outdoor scenes. If you've seen the video, you get me.
  9. The microwave gun. Holy Jesus, the microwave gun.
  10. We can kill them? Cool. Here's my plan. I'll shoot them with my rifle. You use your pistol. Last Guy? Oh, you use your bazooka.
  11. We made it to the sub. Thank God. Hold on. I have to go back for a girl I've known for a week. Sorry, surviving members of the Russian navy. You'd do it too. If your whole squad wasn't, you know, dead and stuff.
  12. If you think it's bad enough when you can't see the aliens, wait till you can. It's 100 times worse.
  13. The final kill! You have to be f**king kidding me. That's like killing Freddy Krueger by throwing his own shoe at him. Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

1 comment:

  1. Haha! Great review. Will definitely avoid this CGI-infested crud.