Wednesday, March 25, 2020

COVID-19 Cinema: Call the police! (2)

As week one stretched on, the routine became easier to manage, but harder to fathom. I don't think I've really considered how absolutely messed up this is for my kids, so publicly it's a bit of Hey, this is fun! while privately it's a lot of Holy shit, this is grave. Currently, our only problem is being on top of each other at all times, which if we can all be honest with ourselves, is nothing ever worth complaining about. Hell, we're probably not too far away from desperately longing for moderate annoyances. Or modern conveniences.

But for now, the show goes on, silly and unnecessary as it may be. I'm not trying to make light of this pandemic (but I'm an a-hole, so...), but more so to chronicle it. And as I've been doing for almost ten years here, through the (mostly bad) films I watch. Stay in. Stay safe. And while you're at it, stay frosty.

FilmMy Life as a Zucchini
Runtime: 70 minutes    Rating: PG-13 (what?)
Audience: Matty and Violet (no Mom, phew)
Status: Confused, concerned...and is this school?

Welcome to prison, potato-head.

Oscar nominated for Best Animated film? Should be fine. No need to check the rating at all. It's not like it's a movie about death, child abuse, suicide and, wait for it, the exploding willy. What the Hell, France? You can't make something look so childlike, only to have it be so very grownup, you progressive bastards. Honestly, it's a very, very good film, it's just not for little ones, at least not really, but there I was demanding my kids get off their devices and pay attention and read first. If you haven't seen it, it's a delightful tale about a little boy being sent to an orphanage, after killing his mom. If you want to know what happens next, ask my kids. Or their therapists.

Yay: It's a two-way race for silver between Camille and Cop Guy, with the animation taking the gold.
Boo: I always check Common Sense Media before starting a flick with my kids. This time? I trusted the Academy, which we all know, flies directly in the face of common sense.
Homeschool lesson of the day: The good news? Your dad isn't trying to scar you...physically.

Runtime: 86 minutes   Rating: Unrated
Audience: Dad          Status: Exhausted

Basic human dignity takes a sick leave.

Since I have the immensely original idea of watching a virus movie per week during this effing pandemic, just so I can fully lock-down a-hole of the year status. Up first? My imaginary girlfriend Samara Weaving and Steven Yeun getting trapped in an office building when some sort of rage virus takes over. Staged a bit like a video game, these two team up to head up, to the top floor, naturally, to fight the big boss. Not as violent as I expected, and honestly, not as good, either, this low-budget action/horror flick checks enough boxes...I guess. The idea is pretty badass, with legal precedent exonerating everyone before the madness even begins, but the execution of the resulting chaos falters somewhat. And the fact that it's essentially void of likable characters doesn't help, either. That said, it's not even 90 minutes long, and at this point, though the toilet paper is running out, time seems to be in heavy supply. If low-budge chaos is your thing, you could probably do worse. If I haven't yet, I'm sure I will.

Yay: It make zero sense, but the fact that a nailgun features prominently was much appreciated.
Boo: Ewan shows up to help his boy Derek, and what he gets, he so clearly did not deserve.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): If you have to make the best of a bad situation, it always helps to have a friend by your side.


  1. I love both of these movies! My son always asks me if he can watch My Life as a Zucchini (and now Jojo Rabbit) and I'm iffy on it. Probably not the greatest idea.

    ...but i watched Tales from the Crypt at his age.....

    Parenting is hard.

    1. *spits out drink* BOTHHHHH??? That's...incredible.

      I actually really, really enjoyed Zucchini, but wished I hadn't brought my kids along for the ride. They handled it well, but still. My wife watches that one, we're divorced before the credits roll.

      Brittani, if I compared what I watched to what I'm cool with them would be LAUGHABLE. I had two deviant older brothers. I HAD SEEN IT ALL. *claws out eyes*

      Parenting is way hard. (ooh, and I've also thought about Jojo Rabbit for my son, too!!!

    2. To be fair, I think Jojo teaches a great lesson on being anti-hate, and the main character is a small boy. I don't think it would be that bad.

    3. You're right, I'm just not entirely sure when is the time to have the talk about the Holocaust. My son's probably old enough...but, shit...I don't know if I'm ready.

    4. But taking him to see Affleck vs grave bat monsters in BvS when he was like 5 was OKAY lol

    5. oh well that changes everything lol

  2. Oh man, Zucchini sounds absolutely wild, and I definitely need to see it! I mostly avoided it because it's called My Life as a Courgette in the UK, and I just couldn't get over it. Are those vegetables the same? Is the UK movie completely different?!

    1. Night time, okay? Watch it during night time. Please.

      Allie...uh, I don't know what the Hell a Courgette is. At all. I want to say it's a sexy older french woman, but that sounds waaay off. I don't know if the movie is different, but I know the American version has a pretty good cast (but I opted for the OG French version, because I wanted my children to READ the chaos)

  3. Haven't seen either of these but Zucchini also sounds... horrifying!?

    1. It's really...bittersweet. Like, it kind of ends on a high note, but my goodness there's some serious shit going on here. *shudder* Probably a bit too much for a six year old.

  4. I really, really liked My Life as a Zucchini. It was so different, both in terms of content and animation, and I actually thought it was kid appropriate for the light-hearted way it deals with its themes. I guess we have a different meaning of "light" here in Europe haha but at least you learnt a lesson, the Academy cannot be trust.

    As for Mayhem, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever but it's fun.

    1. It was SOOO different, yes. It was mostly kid-appropriate...but I think 'exploding willy' crosses some sort of line in backwards America. Remember, we're cool with ultra violence...but sex...or implied sex? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!

      Mayhem was weird! I wished I would have liked it more!