Thursday, May 10, 2012

Seeing. Still working on believing.

I was 12 years old in the summer of 1992. I remember being consumed with one idea: The Dream Team. All of my favorite basketball players were coming together to form the most legendary team ever assembled. They were going to crush the competition. They all had had separate moments of glory, and there was talk that there were too many egos to pull it off. Somehow, it worked, and I reveled in the excitement and drama of seeing these legends on the court at the same time. Twenty years later, it happened again.

Doc... I think now is the perfect time for you to get angry.
The Avengers is probably the closest thing comic book fans will get to utter cinematic perfection. I don't think the movie is flawless, however, but the fact that it actually happened and is damn near excellent is truly remarkable. The last half an hour of this film is an orgy of super hero mayhem. This would have been a page turner on paper, but put to film? Insanity.

Before I ramble on about the awesomeness, I just want to mention my only real problem with the flick: the beginning. I legitimately enjoy all the actors and in theory could listen to them talk about whatever for hours. This theory seemed to actually be tested as this movie seems to have a rather slow buildup to the chaotic climax. It was not a dealbreaker by any means, but I found myself growing impatient waiting for the ass-kicking to begin. Yes, there are some minor skirmishes sprinkled here and there, but none long enough to satiate my bloodlust.

Sorry, but I had to. Let me get right to the breakdown. Here are the Yays and Boos, Larry-Bird-is-pretty-much-Captain-America style. Oh, and watch out for some spoilage.

I wish she'd give me some cognitive recalibration.

  • The implosion at HQ was pretty impressive. Though Loki riding in the back of the truck like every fat guy in Hawai'i wasn't.
  • Black Widow? Oh, my. Even in ultra tight clothes, the jiggle-factor is strong in this one. And, she's a biter. Rowr.
  • Speaking of Ms. Romanoff, note to self. Don't spook her. Ever. Especially in 3D.
  • Flying aircraft carrier! 
  • I like the Bad Guy version of the um, remote retinal scanner. Messy, but effective. Bluetooth?
  • The scene where everybody kneels before Loki was the highlight of the 3D. Even bullshit-I'm-kneeling Old Man looked better.
  • The one liners! Highlight's include:
    • Security breach - it's on you.
    • There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that. 
    • Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? And the mere mention of Legolas.
    • This is the only time you should stay in a burning plane.
    • He's adopted. That's right up there with, I need a horse.
  • Pretty much everything having to do with the Hulk. Such as...
    • Hulk getting hit in the face with a hammer (in slow motion, no less)
    • Hulk's way of messing with the Norse god of thunder.
    • Don't try to eject on Hulk. He ain't having it.
    • Hulk and Loki. This has to be one of the top 20 moments in any movie ever.
  • And of course, the unbelievable final fight. It's so good
  • Oh, and the final, final scene. Classic. Thanks for the heads up, Sis.
They're actually looking at the box office returns.
  • As I said, a little too much talky-talky.
  • The 3D is remarkably suck-tastic.
  • Okay, nitpicking, but was it really necessary for Tony Stark to spend a bajillion dollars so that he could walk into his living room while his armor was being taken off by a the most sophisticated machine ever?
  • The most destructive arrows ever made! One basically brings down twenty five percent of the aircraft carrier. The other is shot into a plug and shuts down the Matrix. Obviously, I have a problem with fancy gadgetry. In a comic book movie, no less.
  • And a big boo to the people who bought tickets before me.  Not only did you make me miss a preview, but you spent $35 on tickets and another $37 on snacks. I spent nothing. And got popcorn.
Much like that vaunted hoop team twenty years ago, The Avengers is impossibly good. Whether it's the gold-medal winner this summer, that remains to be seen. My podium prediction? GOLD: Prometheus. SILVER: The Dark Knight Rises BRONZE: The Avengers. Your thoughts?


  1. Gold - Prometheus? Oh yeah! I liked Avengers too, love the line about the last 30 minutes being an orgy :) I agree about slow build up but when action starts I forgot all about it.

    1. Yep, you've nailed it. Once the madness gets going, the beginning is a distant memory. I knew you'd agree with my Gold choice. What are your other two?

  2. Jam-packed full of action, humor, special effects, and superheroes, The Avengers is the perfect way to start off the Summer blockbuster season. I hope that Whedon returns for the sequel that they're talking about doing, but then again, it may be another 4 years until we get to see that again. Nice review M. I wonder what will be a bigger flick this Summer: this or The Dark Knight Rises? Can't wait to see that one either!

    1. Dan - 4 years? I know getting everyone together is difficult, but I can't imagine having to wait four years (all too used to this annual sequel business a la Harry Potter, Twilight, etc.).

      Maybe the insane box office will speed things up?

  3. I found that there was nothing to say about this movie other than than I'm pissed I'm not still watching it. Thanks for writing an actual review though.

    I walked in a Thor fan, and left as a Hulk fan. You know, I don't know if I can handle the idea of Dark Knight Rises being better than this movie. I obviously hope (and secretly know) that it will, but that's a lot of excitement to deal with, you know? YOU KNOW?
    And was the 3D actually worth it? I stuck with 2D, but this is a movie that I just have to see again in theatres.

  4. I completely agree. Every time I see a commercial, I want to go see it again. And because everything on television is 'brought to you by The Avengers' it's getting out of control.

    And yes, the 3D totally sucked.

    Will The Dark Knight Rises have a scene better than the final 30 minutes of The Avengers? Is it possible? I think the whole experience will better, but can anything rival Hulk beating the shit out of everything?

  5. I haven't seen The Avengers yet (I suck), but I just caught the last paragraph of your review and I will say: PROMETHEUS!!! *Foams at the mouth and falls over dead*

    I will return with a more logical comment when I've actually seen this one.

  6. A trusted comrade wasn't wowed by The Avengers, but he might be the first...let me know what you think when you do get around to catching it.

    And, let's not do this Crank style...


    Sorry, my keyboard is on the fritz.