Thursday, May 3, 2012

There is a calamity coming. And it effects us all.

When I was kid, it happened while watching Arachnophobia. In my early twenties, it happened again with Daredevil. Tonight at 32 years old, it happened yet again: I was in the theater alone. I remember being scared as a kid, mostly because I thought there were spiders in the theater. For Daredevil, I remember being pissed that the projector was all messed up, showing the image far below the screen. Being the only warm body in the theater, you don't have That Guy who gets up and alerts the staff of the problem. That burden was on me. Tonight, there were no issues (mentally or logistically), just peace and quiet. And after taking a slew of middleschoolers to a baseball game earlier today, that was more than welcome. If only the movie didn't suck.

Clash of the Titans wasn't good. But for some reason, I had a good time with it. Check out the review here. Wrath of the Titans probably isn't worse, but it definitely isn't better. So where's the carryover goodwill? Well, I had read something about everybody involved atoning for the sins of the first one. Sam Worthington essentially said, 'Yeah, the first one sucked.' Well Sam, you might be two for two, mate. For the first flick, I was years late to the party - so my expectations were at rock bottom. But for number two (see what I did there), I'm merely weeks late. Expectations weren't off the charts, but I was expecting, I don't know...progress?

Not that I think you care, but here's the plot, boiled down: Perseus must again save the world from a gigantic force of evil. The fate of mankind is in his hands. It's not the Kraken that will be unleashed, it's Kronos, a giant lava monster. A small group of men will travel to various locations acquiring people, information, or information about the locations of people. It moves quickly, and is INCREDIBLY LOUD and colorful. There are a few cool moments along the way, but most are cut short or sloppily edited. The Raid, this ain't.

It's late (surprise!), so I'm going to build a monument to the Yays and Boos. Don't pray for them, or it will give them strength. Oh, and they'll know your location. You know, prayers have, like, coordinates and stuff.

  • The two-headed venom-spewing winged beast from the poster was pretty bad ass. It was torching all kinds of dudes. Damn. It even died in an awesome way. What are you waiting for? Burn Me!
  • Pegasus is pretty sweet, too. He even had a sense of humor. Oh yeah, he's also fireproof. It's like were the same person, er, horse...thing.
  • Andromeda was pretty hot in a weird contextual kind of way. Maybe she wouldn't crack my top 5 in Coyote Ugly, but here? She's my number one. 
  • Cyclops Battle! Giant dudes smashing an infinite number of trees is great enough. But when they're using trees to do so? Godspeed, gentlemen.
  • Bill Nighy the Weapons Guy. I liked this dude a lot. He was like Dumbledore. But instead of presiding over Hogwarts, he made badass weapons and Hell's prison. All while nailing mermaids, no less.
  • Perseus vs. Horn Beast. It was pretty much a live action Mortal Kombat final boss battle. I wanted to yell FINISH HIM. And to think I could've, too.
  • Kronos is one of the coolest things I have ever seen. He's huge. He's made of lava and smoke. And he passes out fiery destruction like Halloween candy. No, he literally passes out destruction. And, when he moves the bass from the speakers rattled my ass.
  • Last one. The last hurrah from Zeus and Hades. They go out like old gunslingers. No weapons. Just ass kicking god powers. It was ridiculous, but I was on board.
  •  Some dumb chick prayed to Ares when she wasn't supposed to - giving up the whole thing. It's basically like thinking about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What did you do, Ray?
  • You're fighting a fire-breathing monster and you deflect it's breath with a piece of wood? Hmm.
  • I swear, every character in this film has a different accent. Shit, in one family we have three distinct accents. Hey, Continuity! You can suck one. You too, realism and enjoyment.
  • These lines where not only written, but spoken: You look 10,000 years younger! Reply: I feel it, too.
  • World record for pillar shattering. World. Record.     Wait? This is a boo?
  • Does anybody else, like me, have a fear of being crushed by two walls closing in on you from opposite sides? That shit is terrifying. The only way it's worse? Spikes on the walls. (shudder)
  • Just like the last flick, the final kill is absurdly easy. What's with the one hit kills?
  • And finally. Tell me if this has happened to you before... I actually wanted to see all the movies they showed previews for more than I did the movie I was there to see. Anyone? Help me out here!
I hope Liam Neeson returned to Gandolf his entire look. He's gonna need it in December.


  1. Another awesome review! I have yet to see the movie but I found Clash of the Titans to be quite entertaining. It's a shame so many great actors are wasted in those movies, though.

  2. HAHAHA! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! That gave me a good chuckle. SPOT ON. I though Wrath was better than Clash, but that's not saying much. And that's more because the mythos was a little more accurate in the second one. Great review for one ridiculous movie.

  3. Oh, this is one you didn't review, isn't it?

    Can't say I blame you. It wasn't awful, I just thought it was going to be good. I know, my bad.