Sunday, May 27, 2012

Why do you love me? Because I kill people?

When I was I kid I really loved The Jetsons. I was enamored with the glimpse into the future that the cartoon provided my burgeoning adolescent mind. Flying cars? Entire meals in pill form? Automated assembly line style showers? Sign me up. I imagined that when I reached George Jetson's age, that's how it was going to be. You know, the fuuuuuture. Granted, it wasn't all perfect. Rosie was a real mechanical bitch.

What's slightly more entertaining than a look into the future, is to look back at the past's version of the future that has already occurred. Read it again if you must, but that sentence makes sense. I think. Anyway, my rambling leads me to my late-night viewing of 1975's Death Race 2000. Now, I was in college in 2000, and really didn't pay attention to national affairs, but I'm fairly certain things didn't turn out like this Roger Corman production.

Yeah, it turns out in the year 2000 America has become morally bankrupt and led by an evil dictator, Mr. P. This dude gives us we want, which is apparently televised vehicular manslaughter, of all things. For a three-day period, five ridiculous racers speed across the country running over anybody foolishly outside during the event. Women are worth 10 points, teens 40, and toddlers rack up a solid 70. Oh, and don't forget grandpa, as his old ass is worth 100.

So, for 80 minutes, we ride. Fast. David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone are the main competitors, with two chicks providing the fodder. There's another guy too, and I swear he is the douchey sensei from Karate Kid. Fear does not exist in this dojo! Yes, sensei. I mean, yes, Nero the Hero.

Okay, how about F: you're a gimp.
As for the flick itself, it's definitely worth a watch. It's short. It's bloody. And there's even some boobs for you pervy types (ahem, not me). Carradine is an odd dude to watch, but I enjoyed his performance as Frankenstein. Sadly, I can't look at him in his leather gimp suit and not imagine him hanging in a closet, dead, with his pants around his ankles. Then again, that's how I imagine everybody, so I'll deal. Oh, and bonus points for a ridiculously awesome Stallone. His intro scene is just great.

Well, let's run over the head of the Yays, peel out on the ass of the Boos, and instead drive straight to an alternative breakdown, from the year two-THOUsand!

11 Things I Learned about the Year 2000 
(courtesy of 1975)
  1. Mechanical arms allow you to shift faster.
  2. People will still wear ascots, even though their popularity plummeted in the 90's.
  3. Even if you're a bad ass, leather-clad freak of nature, a straw will still make you look like a pussy. A huge one.
  4. Bullfighting, even when comprised of a shirtless hippie vs. a death car, will still be painful to watch.
  5. You're a navigator in a televised death race across the United States? Um, we're gonna need to see those titties, please. I know, seems counterproductive to safely operating a vehicle at 200 mph, but hey - rules are rules.
  6. Even in a so-called DEATH RACE, you shouldn't run over babies. Bad juju, that.
  7. In the future, punching a naked girl in the face isn't bad form. Especially if she's mid-massage.
  8. Hey, Napoleon Dynamite! You just lost the crown of weirdest f--king dance scene ever. Oh wait, you came out in 2004. So...(okay, I'm not sure what to say either).
  9. I miss Euthanasia Day. It was one of my favorite holidays. Right up there with Festivus.
  10. People in the year 2000 love when things are literal. And they love hand grenades.
  11. Despite the hyper violence and the public nudity, it's a huge insult to call someone a very large baked potato. Oh no he didn't.
Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend, and be safe on the roads. It's not like we have flying cars or anything.  


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