Monday, May 7, 2012

Sometimes in order to heal... a few people have to get hurt.

I think it was when I did my taxes for the first time. At least that's what I told myself. Maybe it was in college, when one of my best friends died in a tragic accident - though I definitely didn't take the time to consider it then. Most likely, however, it was the day my son was born - that might be the ultimate welcome to the club moment. But then there's this blog. And well, it's basically thousands of words saying, let's not get ahead of ourselves, a-hole.

So, when did you officially become an adult? Better question might be, have you? When you're a kid, it's easy to identify grown-ups, they're the old people. What about when you're twenty? It's everyone who's thirty, right? But now that I'm in my thirties, I have no frickin' clue anymore. I'm an adult, but I certainly don't feel like one.

These questions are more eloquently addressed in last year's Young Adult. Charlize Theron stars as Mavis Gary (she has to be the hottest Mavis ever put to film), a ghost writer for a fading YA series. Mavis' life is a controlled mess, but she's a small scale big shot. After receiving a seemingly innocent e-mail, Mavis heads home to break up/destroy the happy marriage of her old high school boyfriend, played by Patrick Wilson. If you're into self-destruction and love painfully awkward conversations and confrontations, friend, have I got a film for you.

Obviously, this is the Charlize Theron show. Maybe it's just me, but she manages to pull off an impressive feat in this flick. She is the ultimate bitch, but she's frustratingly likeable, too. You want to hate her, you need to hate her. In fact, if you don't at least once want to actually punch the real Charlize Theron in the face at some point, consider me impressed. Mavis has not grown up, she has not moved on since high school, where apparently, she was the shit.She talks like a kid, she dresses like a kid, hell, she even eats like a kid.

No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You are free.
On the other hand, we have Patton Oswalt. He plays the Hate Crime Guy, Matt Freehauf, to perfection. This was the guy in high school that probably no one went out of their way to be friends with, but turned out to be a very decent dude. He's got his own issues, too, and they are exacerbated by the relentless awfulness Mavis storms into town with. They have a very believable chemistry, giving hope to all partially crippled guys who make bourbon out of their sister's garage. So you saying there's a chance...

Since I'm the one movie blogger guy who didn't see The Avengers this weekend, let's tuck tail and head over to the Yays and Boos, but-I've-watched-a-lot-of-basketball style.

Want to bet this is Theron's first time in a KFC?
  • We have the same routine when we get home. Take off our boobs, Diet Coke straight from the bottle, Wii Fit and then write. Okay, well almost the same. I don't have a Wii anymore.
  • The pedigree! Diablo Cody and Jason Reitman? That's a pretty solid duo.
  • Pretending to text? That move is a new classic.
  • KenTacoHut. We used to call it The Trifecta.
  • I was waiting for almost an hour for Oswalt to say oakey nuttiness even though it wouldn't make sense at all. Then guess what happened? Okay, sort of happened...
  • I loved her cousin, Wheelchair Mike. I love even more that they both legitimately hate him.
  • Star Wars Juice. I don't drink, but if this was the official title of vintage bourbon, I'd be in. 
  • And finally, Sandra's speech at the end. It rules.
I dare you to come up with a more embarrassing scene.
  • Textual Chemistry? Ugh.
  • Okay, who still has a cassette player in their car? I know the mix tape is necessary (uh, I might've made one or two [or nine] in my day...), but still.
  • Watching the Ugly Guy listen to Pretty Girl intently even if she's saying the dumbest or meanest shit ever. Reminded me of high school waaaaay too much.
  • Glue sniffing? Really?
  • I hate that crappy small town is represented by showing Chili's, Staples and The Trifecta. Wait, I hate that I live a mile from all of these things.
  • The scene pictured above. Dear God. I actually looked away. It made me cringe worse than when that lady fell into the needle pit in Saw II.
Wow, I watched this movie on Friday (nap time feature, naturally). I started writing this review on Saturday, continued it on Sunday (two different times) and now am wrapping it up on Monday (evening, no less). Goodness. If I wasn't adult when I started this one...

Oh, and let me tell you. I still feel like a real loser for not seeing The Avengers this weekend. It made eleventy-billion dollars and I was not a part of that. F--k! I hate missing opening weekend.

I guess we can table that grown-up talk, huh?


    1. Cant believe I missed this review. Yeah that scene is hard to watch mostly because there is no one who can help Mavis and you can clearly see why she chooses to be stuck in high school mode. I saw so much of myself in her. Not looking forward to Tully its like Theron and Reitman want to depress the shit outta people :)

      1. Aw, you came back. Which is nice...'cause apparently...there's plenty of room for you.

        This one, as I recall, was tough. So many times where I almost had to look away I felt so...terrible? Embarrassed? Stunned? I'm not even sure anymore.

        I was into the trailer I saw for Tully, but I've since caught wind about some details and I'm not sure I can handle it. Let me know how it goes....?